Life @ The Dahlhouse: I'm Having a Hysterectomy

Tomorrow, I will bravely walk into the hospital and check in to have a hysterectomy.  At only 39 years old, I am young to be having this procedure.  However, the pain and bleeding have made my life very difficult for the last several years.  I realize that the decision to have a hysterectomy is a long and serious one.  We have weighed the pros and cons, and both Mark and I feel this is the best decision for me and our family.  I wanted to share my story, my why, the process, and the recovery.  I think many times, hard decisions are difficult to share for many different reasons.  But I want to bring a voice, a story, and face of someone who went through the process of deciding, had the hysterectomy and recovered well.  I have benefited from learning about other's experiences with having a hysterectomy, and if one woman is encouraged or learns something from me and my experience, I am glad to share and to say "me too."  *If you are squeamish about reading about uteruses, bleeding, periods and medical terminology, then this post might not be for you.  Just a friendly warning.  :) 

I learned last November, after a series of tests and ultrasounds, that I have condition called, adenomyosis.  Basically it means I have endometriosis inside my uterus.  Fabulous.  Well...that explained a lot of things...the pain, bleeding, spotting, and more pain.  When I think back when I first noticed all of the symptoms, a year ago comes to mind.  However, after spending more time thinking, I realized that I began experiences changes to my cycles shortly after I had Bella.  As the years passed, after having Bella in 2010, my periods began to become increasingly heavier, and full of clots.  I worried, excessively if I was going to hemorrhage or need to go to the ER.  And just before I reached the point of actually going to the ER, they would lighten up and I would be good for another month.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, I would worry for the next cycle...would it be bad?  Would I need help?  It has been a debilitating way to live.  

Just when I had accepted that we were going to be a family of 5, two pink lines appeared on a pregnancy test.  Matthew came into our lives and I can't imagine life without him.  12 months of no periods was amazing!  And then my periods returned.  And.it.was.awful!  For the first time in my life, I was planning what days I needed to stay home and close to a bathroom.  With a husband that travels for work, it was very difficult and scary at times to be home alone during "that time of the month."  I chalked my awful cycles up to "getting older," and tried my best to press on.  The pain at times was excruciating.

When Matthew was 7 months old, we took a family trip to Disneyland.  One of my very favorite places ever.  I ended up starting my period on the third day, and now most of my memories of the trip revolve around all of the bathrooms I used, and how much pain I was in.  I really feel like I need a do-over for that trip.  Thankfully, the Happiest Place On Earth has ALOT of bathrooms.  The picture above is me and Grace.  This was our third day into the trip.  I am trying to have a good time, but I remember thinking how awful I was feeling, and wanting to lay down.  

Last July, we took a family trip to Bend, Oregon.  During the trip I began having more symptoms of adenomyosis (only I didn't know I had that at the time).  The spotting during my cycle overshadowed the trip, and I was worried about what was wrong with me.  It was this trip that made me realize I was going to have to get to the bottom of what was going on.

In the fall, we took our kids to Great Wolf Lodge.  Only I couldn't get in the water, due to another horrible period.  I remember the pain was so great (even on meds) I wanted to come home.  I put on brave face for my kids.  I don't want to let things like this win.  I must have made 10 trips to the bathroom that night we were away from home.  I barely slept.  After this trip, I made an appointment to see my gynecologist in November.

Even as I type this now, my uterus is aching and cramping.  I am so thankful to Dr. Saner who listened to me, and what was going on, ordered tests and got to the bottom of it.  There is only one cure for adenomyosis and that is a hysterectomy.  There were other things I could have tried, other methods of attempting to lighten the periods and pain, but the truth is that the condition will not get better...it will only get worse with time.  Since we are finished having babies, a hysterectomy was agreed upon.  Since last November, I have been planning for a hysterectomy.  I will need a certain amount of help.  Honestly, the only thing that I am worried about is not being able to lift my baby for 6 very long weeks.  How do you explain that to you toddler?  I hope he still wants mommy when this is all done.  I've been working on training him and Grace.  She has began to put him in his car seat, change is diaper more often and help more with Matthew's day-to-day care.  It has been excruciating at times to relinquish these tasks, but I know I am doing it for the well being of my recovery.

Tomorrow, I will be having a laparoscopic robotic assisted hysterectomy.  I will keep my ovaries and everything else goes.  This will help maintain steady hormones throughout my body and not need to go through menopause at 39.  My emotions have been up and down these past couple of weeks.  There is a sense of relief that comes with knowing the pain and bleeding will be coming to end.  There is also a bitter sweetness of saying good-bye to my uterus.  My uterus and I haven't had the best relationship.  A rollercoaster relationship at best.  It has failed me three times, and it has borne my two sweet babies.  It has carried both life and death.  It has caused immense pain and also the greatest joys.  Tomorrow my uterus will no longer be apart of my life, and I will begin a new chapter without it.  And I have chosen to embrace this new chapter of my life and look forward to the new adventures ahead...

Life @ The Dahlhouse: When ADHD Makes Things Hard

Things have been hard...very hard.  The atmosphere around the house has been tense at times.  I could share pictures of my cute kids (which they are) and share all the funny things they say (which they have); however, life sometimes serves up hard times.  And things have been kind of messy around here.  No clear direct path to the answer.  And for my brain that is difficult.  I want resolution and solutions, and I want the problems fixed, and fixed yesterday.  I am not patient, and I want immediate results.  I don't want to wait.  

Being a special needs parent is tough.  There is no manual, there is no one telling me what to do, and what step to do next.  There is no one feeding me the answers so I don't make mistakes or mess up.  And I know I mess up.  My hearts longing is to make all the right decisions for my kids. But reality is that I am going to mess up.  And I do mess up.  I always worry that I am not doing enough, or that I am doing too much.  Or that I missed a specific therapy that we should have done, or done one that we should NOT have done.  Are they on the right meds?  Should they be on meds? Should they be eating that or NOT eating that?  Sugar...no sugar?  How much screen time...ahhhh the list goes on and on. 

And then their is the voice of guilt in my head...I hear it chastising me over choices made or not made.  Should we have gone gluten free? dairy free? sugar free?  Am I giving them too many choices or not enough choices? Are they going to end up in therapy someday because we didn't do sports, or after school activities?  No matter that our after school activities include trying to the loads of homework or appointments/therapies.  

Then there is the sadness and grief over how I wish my life was sometimes.  Not always do I look through that lens; but sometimes the waves are huge the surprise me and hit me out of no where.  A few weeks ago, I was shopping at Walmart.  Luke had outgrown all his pants seemingly overnight.  The printer had ran out of ink during the all important making of the science fair projects.  So off Luke and I ran to Walmart to pick up pants and ink.  While he was trying on a zillion pairs of pants, I caught sight of his shoes (which were worn).  After we had selected the appropriate pair of pants, we wandered the isles to the back of the store where they display the shoes.  I found a good looking sport shoe that would last until we could find something of better quality.  Shoe shopping with Luke has always been difficult.  Due to sensory needs, he prefers his shoes to feel and fit the exact correct way.  It tries my patience every single time.  I turned to show Luke the shoe, and found he had wandered to the end of the isle.  Right in front of the Velcro shoes.  "Mom I like these," he told me.  I eyed the shoes.  They were black with orange highlights and had three black Velcro bands that sat across the front of the shoe.  They were like the kind he wore when he was 4.  I thought about my words very carefully.  "Buddy, you are 15 years old.  You need to find some shoes that tie."  "But mom," he argued, "I can do these shoes.   They are easy and I don't need help."  I agreed with him in my mind.  "Yes", I told myself, "the kids at school will get one look at these and they will eat him up."  My heart literally broke in that moment.  My boy, not caring what people think wanted the shoes that he could do independently.  And here I am having that moment... that 15 year olds should want to wear NIKE's and not Velcro.  We ended up reaching a compromise, without him knowing any of my thoughts.  There were a pair of shoes that were Velcro but did not look like Velcro.  God bless the designer who made these.  After we returned home, I went up to my closet and cried.  I wish it wasn't so difficult for Luke to tie shoes.  I wish he could fit in with the other kids at school and not stand out.  I wish for so many different things.  I wish everything wasn't a challenge for him.

School this year has been very difficult.  Much more difficult than last year.  I am not sure why, and I have spent many hours wondering this.  Perhaps the kids have been tougher on him, or he has not matured as fast as the other boys, and they notice it.  It is so trying on my mama's heart to watch him go through the struggles, and see the tears, and hear the hurt.  On one particular difficult week, I stopped in to have lunch with him and play Yahtzee during his lunch recess time. I wanted him to know that someone cared, and was rooting for him.  Most of the teachers at Luke's school, understand his needs, and help encourage him.  Many times this year, I have been told by various teachers what a good heart Luke has, or how he helped them, or did something kind.  I use these moments to feel encouraged that I am doing something right as Luke's mom.  That his character is so much, much more important than his grades.  As a former teacher myself, it is difficult for me to do this, but I understand that each kiddo is different, learns different, and goals in life are different.  We have to celebrate the individual victories and triumphs that come along.  Luke is the kid that buys Gatorade for the kids sick on the DC trip, or carries boxes to a teacher's car after school, holds open the door for EVERYONE, and is the first to volunteer.  Gosh, I love him.

The school work has been very difficult too.  So much that has challenged him, angered him, frustrated him.  But somehow we have both banned together and worked our way through it.  I couldn't have done it without the help of tutor that comes to the house twice a week to help me carry the immense load of work.  Stress is a real thing for kiddos with special needs.  Luke feels it and deals with it in ways that he knows how (sometimes ways that are not very constructive).  ADHD is real.  And from my latest research and studies on this disorder, the main concept that continues to be shared by authors, doctors and articles is that ADHD is an executive functioning skills disorder.  At first I was like, "what the heck is executive functioning skills?"  But the more I researched, I found out that those skills are used in every part of our daily lives.  From organizing yourself to get up, get dressed and all the skills that go with that, to staying focused and attentive in class, keeping track of assignments and homework...it's all related to your executive functioning skills.  It is so so difficult for these kiddos with ADHD to be organized in any area.  I am learning, as Luke's mom and advocate, how I can help this summer to work on some of these skills.  As long as there is a breath in me, I will be continuing to educate myself, to educate Luke on how he can do more, be more and embrace the amazing human he is, and share his gifts with the world.  I will continue to build him up and encourage him, and to speak back to the voices that tell him "he can't".  To which I say, "yes you can!"  We need more Luke's in the world.  I am so very lucky to have him in my life.  

Weeks #20 & #21 @ The Dahlhouse Travels to Maui

For our family vacation this year, we decided to go to Maui.  It had been almost three years since we last visited, and we were thrilled to go back.  The last time we were in Maui, I was pregnant with Man Cub (seems like a lifetime ago).  

The trip started at PDX and we were thrilled (ok BEYOND thrilled) that Hawaiian Airlines had brought back their non-stop flight to Kahului, Maui.  What used to be a whole travel day, from PDX-HNL-OGG (getting to the condo around 5pm Hawaiian time), became a much shorter travel day (arriving at 10:45am Hawaiian time).  

Traveling as a family of six, I always make sure to book seats in the back of the airplane, as not to disturb others around us.  I figure, if we are in the back of the plane, and Man Cub throws a fit or cries, then we are at least in the back (what more can you do)? 

This was not Matthew's first time flying; however, it was his first time really aware of what was going on.  He was very excited to see all the "airpane" as he calls them, but was not so thrilled at take off, protesting, "all-done, all done."  I think it was some sensory overload.  He quickly transitioned into becoming ok, and played musical seats between our two rows.

After landing in Maui, grabbing a bite to eat, we headed to stock up on food for the condo.  Costco is literally right next to the airport, and then a short trip to Foodland.  I forgot how expensive some things are (hello $11 watermelon), but then some things are inexpensive (1.97 pineapple).  I had never seen so many boxes of pineapples. Neither had B.

We stayed at our favorite place ever!  It's called the Hale Hui Kai.  It is literally 20 steps to the beach (which has the softest sand you ever felt).  The kiddos play for hours in the sand and water.  Boogie boarding, snorkeling, wave jumping, sand castle making...it really is the best.  Our condo unit is on the right on the bottom.  We were also close to the pool.  The Hale Hui Kai is located off S. Kihei Rd. in Kihei, Maui.  Look them up.  I can personally give a review of units #109 and #112.  

Grace enjoyed hours of reading.  She has sure turned into a little book worm.  I love that!!  She also was an incredible help with Matthew.

Having never traveled the road to Hana we were up for an adventure this trip.  It was amazing being in a rainforest and seeing the waterfalls.  We stopped at the iconic Halfway to Hana stop and bought their famous banana bread.  It was yummy.  We also stopped at a black sand beach.  It was on my bucket list!  It was truly black sand! I had never seen anything like it before.  

(Three of my kids on a black sand beach)

We traveled up north to Lahaina, to eat at Mark's favorite restaurant...Duke's.  Everyone enjoys it. 

I visited my dad's resting place and laid flowers in the water in honor of him.

After that, we got Hawaiian Shaved iced for all and ate it under the Banyan tree.

There were a lot of beautiful sunsets.  Many have asked if we had VOG or were effected by the Volcano erupting on the Big Island, but the answer was no.  We saw no effects of the volcano on the island of Maui.  

We spent a lot of time on the beach, enjoying the sun.

Or at the pool, which Matthew has named the "cuppy" after his sippy cups that hold water.  Silly kid.

I am happy to report Matthew got his "OWN" ukulele, so now he can stop screaming over Bella's.

Before we knew it, our trip had come to an end.  It always goes by too quickly.  

It was crazy going through TSA in Maui.  We had to remove just about everything from our carry ons.  It literally took 15 minutes to make it all the way through with our stuff.  They ended up checking and opening three of our bags too.  Sheesh.  We barely made it to our flight.

Heading back to the mainland was an adventure in itself. Little help and a lot of stares greeted us on the aircraft.  But we made it and Man Cub even slept through half the flight.  YES!

Before we knew it, we were back where we started and waiting for our ride to come and pick us up. I feel I am still readjusting to life post vacation, and the jet lag was pretty bad this time (as there was a three hour difference).  But we continue to move forward with end of the year activities for school, and getting ready for summer.  

Week #14 @ The Dahlhouse: Spring Break Edition

It was a slow spring break for us Dahls.  It was perhaps just what we needed.  Allergies, colds, and sore throats hung out with us too, for the week long break.  And that was ok.  We all needed a respite from the comings and goings of pick ups and drop offs, ortho appointments, therapy appointments, doctor appts and IEP evaluation test.  So we rested and watched TV like it was our.full.time.job.

Popcorn is gold!  The littlest Dahl proved he is one of the pack by announcing that he is indeed a popcorn fan!!! Mark was proud!

I found this saying and I am hoping to remember how much this is truth!  Especially when I received difficult news of a child's grades.

"To us it's Spring cleaning...to Dad its Christmas."  Bella never ceases to amaze me with her sayings.  I laughed a long time over that one!

Sister helping brother with his brushing therapy.  This helps him with sensory needs.

I have firmly got across the point that the oven and stove are HOT.

Spring flowers.

Spring haircuts.

Spring Disney leggings.

I certainly adore all these little people!

Week #13 @ The Dahlhouse

Week #13 had us volunteering on Sunday morning in nursery.  I adore this picture of Luke.  He is surrounded by the babes, and reading them stories.  To watch Luke in this role is emotional for me.  So much of the world is so difficult for him, but here...on the floor in nursery...the babes don't care about personal space, ability and focus.  They care that he is paying attention to them and they.eat.it.up!  Luke really has an amazing heart for others.  Most Sunday mornings you will find him here, in the nursery.  It is an area that he excels at.  And Luke needs more of that in his life.

She loves her some Disney dolls.

I visited B at school to have lunch with her in honor of her turning 8!  How is she that old???

I was able to escape to downtown Portland one last time to have lunch with mother before she retires.  We ate at the Portland City Grill overlooking downtown.  I can hardly believe her career at the law firm is over.  I started thinking about all the lunches we have had over the years.  Many, many lunches.  After we were finished, we took a walk to Pioneer Courthouse square and found my dad's brick that mom had made as a kind of memorial to him.  As a child, I have to say, it is very difficult not to have a final resting place to visit dad.  I guess in someway we do...it is just not super convenient to get there.  We spread his ashes in Maui.  You can read about my struggle missing my dad here.  Many I really, really miss him.

After a very long time of searching, I finally found a milk product that Matthew can drink without it upsetting his stomach.  I am happy to report he is finally off all soy milk.  This ultra-filtered milk has been just thing.

Easter didn't end up being the celebration I had hoped.  I was happy that we did get to go to my mom's house on Saturday afternoon; however, Sunday the weather was awful and I had 2 sick kids and a sick husband.  His allergies were awful.  So we cancelled our plans for Sunday afternoon and stayed inside.  It wasn't the kick off to spring break that I had hoped for, but sometimes you just have to be flexible.