Special Needs And Finances

I turned 40 last week.  How in the world can I be 40 already? I still feel 20!  They say age is just a number.  Yet, as a kid, someone who was 40 seemed so old and grown up.  So, here I am 40, and I have to say this was a really hard birthday for me.   I never struggled with turning any other age, but this one threw me for a loop.  I spent  a lot of time reflecting on where I thought I should be vs. where I actually am.  

I thought at 40 I would be a well established teacher with a Master's degree and married with children.  Well...I got the married with children thing correct.  But the career and degree have never come to be.  I have worked at various schools over the years, but have never felt a niche or a place I belonged.  Currently, with Mark's work scheduled, I can't hold any job outside of the home because he works and "on call schedule".  All that to say...I would love to work a part time job outside of the house to help contribute to our families financial situation, but it isn't possible.  

Things have been tight financially for the last four months.  The railroad has been slower, and Mark has worked fewer trips to Pasco and back.  Which results in a smaller paycheck.  The slower railroad schedule has come because of President's Trumps trade war and taxes on import/export items from overseas.  This is what originally caused Mark to lose his mentorship position at BNSF, and had to go back to working the road with BNSF.  It is hard for me to not be angry, and I have really struggled with anger lately. I get angry really easy when it effects my kids. And these changes....Mark being gone all the time with an unpredictable schedule effects my kids greatly.  It seems no matter how hard we try...we can't get ahead.  I understand it is life, and we go through tough seasons, but this has been an unusually tough season for us.  Extra medical bills, the van needing new tires, Mark needing new glasses, and all the therapy copays has really taken a toll.

Bella has been in therapy since March for anxiety, which has been a huge answer to prayers.  It has really helped her as well, and I have gained new insight and education on the role our brains play in anxiety and how to help calm her.  Matthew has had bi monthly occupational therapy and I have had every other week therapy...because let's face it...I need someone to help me too.  

Last Friday, after Matthew's annual reevaluation for occupational therapy, I found out that he will need weekly feeding therapy again.  Feeding therapy is not something the school district will provide because feeding doesn't impact his education.  So for the next three months or so, Matthew needs weekly feeding therapy in addition to his regular bi-monthly occupational therapy for sensory processing disorder.  It means an additional $160 a month in co-pays in addition to the $240 co pays we spend on Bella and I.  I am trying to not feel defeated, but it's tough as a mama.  Of course we are going to get him the therapy.  He needs it, and he will get it.  But, it means sacrificing something to come up with the extra.  

So...I am starting back to teaching VIPKID again.  I taught a couple of classes last week, and have a few more this week as I slowly build up my students and schedule again.  I wish I could say I am enthused for this journey again, but I am not.  I know the sacrifice and the way my body feels in the late afternoons solo parenting after working so early.  But, I am a mom, and life is fluid, and sometimes we have to do what we have to do for our babies.  I'm trying to put on a brave face and have a good attitude about getting up early.  Truth...I am still working on that.  I need to teach 40 classes a month to cover all of the therapy co-pays.  So that is my goal.

Mark and I spent last week deciding ways we are cutting back to help overall.  One of the biggest changes will happened in September when all my kiddos will be students of Battle Ground School District.  After six years of paying for private school, we no longer can afford the ever increasing tuition rates.  Luke is just about to complete his freshman year at River Homelink and it has been an AMAZING program.  So this fall, Grace and Bella will join him at River Homelink, and Matthew will be next door at the elementary school in the special education preschool.  He will attend several days a week while he receives specialized instruction in the areas of adaptive and social/emotional/beahvioral skills.  

Other ways we have been cutting costs are: I have been menu planning and calculating all purchases carefully at grocery stores.  We used to eat out a lot for dinner, but now it is very rarely.  The grill and I have become close friends.  Our cell phone bill decreased because we finished paying off our phones and neither of us are getting the newest model, and our house payment decrease a bit due to taxes (which was a blessing).  Come January Grace's braces will be paid off and we will have a nice long stretch till Bella needs them. Its little things but will help us overall as we move towards winter.  I am also looking into what I would need to do become a tutor at our home for students with dyslexia. Perhaps I could make some additional money tutoring in our home.  I also run an Etsy shop (Dahlhouse Design) selling jewelry items and keychains/purse charms.  Sometimes we have to be creative.        

I know tight finances and special needs families are a common thread.  Needing a parent to be home and present all the time, the medical bills, and therapy costs, is another factor that effects the finances of special needs families.  I know most of us would work if it was logistically possible, even to get out of the house for a few hours a day.  Living on one-income is tough.  It is possible but some seasons of life are more challenging than others.  My faith is being stretched and I am desperately trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  The thing about seasons is that winter eventually becomes spring, but sometimes in the darkness of winter it is difficult to imagine the beauty of spring.  But we carry on bravely...because there is no other choice.  

Bronchiolitis is Terrifying

I thought he was having allergies, but over the course of several days we landed ourselves in the emergency room at Legacy Salmon Creek.  Man Cub had been sneezing, and coughing and his nose was running.  The Monday after Easter, he had been acting weird that evening.  His cough sounded labored and funny.  I could of sworn I heard him wheezing.  I bathed him and put him to bed upstairs.  He was out. 

An hour later, I went back to check on him.  He was moaning and crying in his sleep.  I touched his forehead and he was on fire. I stripped his PJs off, and watched him breathe.  A minute felt like an hour watching his little skin stretch around his rib cage.  I knew what I was looking at: retraction.  He was laboring to breathe.   

Years ago, the doctors had taught me what to look for with Bella.  She is my one that has the breathing issues and the "special lungs" as she calls them.  After helping her with all of her breathing issues, it takes a lot to freak me out...and let me tell you friends...Matthew had me freaked out!!!

As calmly as I could, I told Grace I was taking Matthew to the ER.  I tried loading everything up, and carrying him, and trying to get my shoes on.  Then his car seat was in the 3rd row of the van, making it difficult to watch him breathe.  I felt like swearing in the frustration.  We made to the ER, only to be handed a clipboard and asked to fill out the paperwork.  Seriously you guys... I had not a free hand, but hey, sure...bring on the clipboard.  

They called us back fairly quickly, as they have a pediatric ER.  In my mind I was battling several things.  One, I have a special needs toddler who WILL NOT orally take ANY medication.  Two, I hate hospitals and I was battling my own anxiety.  And three, there was no Mark coming to help.  He had just gotten on the train to Pasco a few hours earlier.  I had the emergency numbers to the dispatcher that could arrange for him to get off the train, but I swore I would only use that number if they admitted Matthew to the hospital.  

The doctor was quick to see us, and order a bunch of tests, and a Tylenol suppository to help bring down Matthew's fever.  You guys...he gags if he sees a medicine syringe coming at him.  They tested him for the flu and RSV with a long q-tip.  He hated that too.  The respiratory therapist came down and administered a breathing treatment, which perked him up almost instantly.  Finally, the radiologist came to our room and gave Matthew a chest x-ray.   

The diagnosis came as bronchiolitis.  Say what??? My fourth kid and I have never heard of that. It is not bronchitis.  This was a viral illness that effects the bronchial tubes causing them to swell and making breathing difficult.  Awesome.  The chest x-ray showed the bronchiolitis.  The doctor said they sometimes hospitalize children for this, but Matthew's case was more mild.  The doctor wanted to give him oral steroids, but I again reminded them that he will throw them up.  So poor baby had to get a steroid shot. Because he responded well to the breathing treatment, they sent him home with an inhaler to take for the next couple of weeks.    

Matthew has been recovering well.  He had a good follow up last Thursday.  He continues to cough and his nose...oh my...I am still wiping it so.many.times.  But we have weathered this storm.  

I am hopeful this was a one time thing, and not something we will be battling every time he gets a cold.  Even in emergencies, I found myself advocating for my special needs child.  Sensory processing disorder is no joke.  Oh how I wished he would just swallow the meds.  I would have saved him from pain of needles.  But then there is part of me that is thankful they can administer meds to him in a shot form because at least I know that he is getting the correct dosage.  I am happy to report after a few times of crying throw taking his "haler" (inhaler), he will not allow me to give it to him with no crying.  Bella, again, is an amazing teacher for him.  She pretended to take hers, and Matthew, wanting to be just like his big sis, took his inhaler happily.  Miss B to the rescue again!  

Life @ The Dahlhouse: Week 2

Not surprising, I already find myself very behind on weekly updates!  This was a goal I had this year... to consistently update my blog so that I have record of the events.  Are you like me, already struggling with your new year's goals?  The struggle is real!  

Week 2 was CRAZY friends!  Monday came and BAM, 4 appointments that day.  Who does that?  I never plan on that happening, but sometimes, once in awhile, all the stars align.  LOL.  That Monday we had an orthodontist appointment, two doctors appointments in a row and a tutoring appointment.  I was wiped out.  And that little cherub spent a lot of time in waiting rooms that day.

Do you ever go through a season of life and you feel like it is a difficult one?  I am right there with you!  I told Mark the other day that we are in a tough season.  There is something BIG going on with everyone of my kiddos, and I am left feeling like I am just not ENOUGH most days.  How do you spread yourself out?  How do you make sure each one has there needs met?  Regardless, I get myself out of bed each morning and try again.

 #truth

Miss B has been REALLY struggling.  Anxiety has set up shop in her little mind.  I'm telling you, it is like looking at a childhood version of myself.  So many of her struggles I relate to so much!  Separating from me leaves her almost panicky.  I leave her in the classroom each day, and walk home in tears myself.  I never let her see me cry, but I fight everything to not scoop her up and take her home with me.  Does anyone have any suggestions that help kiddos with anxiety?  I am all ears!

 Some days are the perfect storm of organic applesauce and fast food chicken nuggets, while we sit in high school algebra class with the oldest.  I am not great at math.  I don't know much algebra.  But me showing up for him, that is the most important thing.  Even with a toddler in tow, who poops in the middle of class, we want Luke to know we are there for him.

*Luke goes to an AMAZING alternative learning school called River Homelink.  He attends class two full days a week and does classwork at home three days a week.  They are very parent welcoming and encourage parents to participate and even bring our pooping toddlers with us.  Haha!

Do you ever bribe your kiddos? If you do, you are MY people!! Confession, I bribe my kids!  To help Miss B get through the day, I promised her we would make cake pops.  So Friday night we made cake pops.  They are surprisingly easy to make.  They just take time, and make a slightly big mess, but WORTH it!

I ended the week at a VIPKID local meet up.  VIPKID is the online teaching company that I work for. It allows me to make extra income working around my schedule.  And as we know, I need a flexible work schedule (four appointments in one day). I teach English to Chinese students in a 1:1 environment.  I share more about my experience on the VIPKID page tab.

If you have ever wanted to teach online, ESL or work with VIPKID I would love to help you through the interview and hiring process.  Simply click this link VIPKID APPLY  .  Then send me an email misscarissa@hotmail.com, and let me know you applied and I will be in contact with you within 24 hours.

"Life is tough darling, but so are you."  ~Stephanie Bennett Henry~

Life @ The Dahlhouse: When ADHD Makes Things Hard

Things have been hard...very hard.  The atmosphere around the house has been tense at times.  I could share pictures of my cute kids (which they are) and share all the funny things they say (which they have); however, life sometimes serves up hard times.  And things have been kind of messy around here.  No clear direct path to the answer.  And for my brain that is difficult.  I want resolution and solutions, and I want the problems fixed, and fixed yesterday.  I am not patient, and I want immediate results.  I don't want to wait.  

Being a special needs parent is tough.  There is no manual, there is no one telling me what to do, and what step to do next.  There is no one feeding me the answers so I don't make mistakes or mess up.  And I know I mess up.  My hearts longing is to make all the right decisions for my kids. But reality is that I am going to mess up.  And I do mess up.  I always worry that I am not doing enough, or that I am doing too much.  Or that I missed a specific therapy that we should have done, or done one that we should NOT have done.  Are they on the right meds?  Should they be on meds? Should they be eating that or NOT eating that?  Sugar...no sugar?  How much screen time...ahhhh the list goes on and on. 

And then their is the voice of guilt in my head...I hear it chastising me over choices made or not made.  Should we have gone gluten free? dairy free? sugar free?  Am I giving them too many choices or not enough choices? Are they going to end up in therapy someday because we didn't do sports, or after school activities?  No matter that our after school activities include trying to the loads of homework or appointments/therapies.  

Then there is the sadness and grief over how I wish my life was sometimes.  Not always do I look through that lens; but sometimes the waves are huge the surprise me and hit me out of no where.  A few weeks ago, I was shopping at Walmart.  Luke had outgrown all his pants seemingly overnight.  The printer had ran out of ink during the all important making of the science fair projects.  So off Luke and I ran to Walmart to pick up pants and ink.  While he was trying on a zillion pairs of pants, I caught sight of his shoes (which were worn).  After we had selected the appropriate pair of pants, we wandered the isles to the back of the store where they display the shoes.  I found a good looking sport shoe that would last until we could find something of better quality.  Shoe shopping with Luke has always been difficult.  Due to sensory needs, he prefers his shoes to feel and fit the exact correct way.  It tries my patience every single time.  I turned to show Luke the shoe, and found he had wandered to the end of the isle.  Right in front of the Velcro shoes.  "Mom I like these," he told me.  I eyed the shoes.  They were black with orange highlights and had three black Velcro bands that sat across the front of the shoe.  They were like the kind he wore when he was 4.  I thought about my words very carefully.  "Buddy, you are 15 years old.  You need to find some shoes that tie."  "But mom," he argued, "I can do these shoes.   They are easy and I don't need help."  I agreed with him in my mind.  "Yes", I told myself, "the kids at school will get one look at these and they will eat him up."  My heart literally broke in that moment.  My boy, not caring what people think wanted the shoes that he could do independently.  And here I am having that moment... that 15 year olds should want to wear NIKE's and not Velcro.  We ended up reaching a compromise, without him knowing any of my thoughts.  There were a pair of shoes that were Velcro but did not look like Velcro.  God bless the designer who made these.  After we returned home, I went up to my closet and cried.  I wish it wasn't so difficult for Luke to tie shoes.  I wish he could fit in with the other kids at school and not stand out.  I wish for so many different things.  I wish everything wasn't a challenge for him.

School this year has been very difficult.  Much more difficult than last year.  I am not sure why, and I have spent many hours wondering this.  Perhaps the kids have been tougher on him, or he has not matured as fast as the other boys, and they notice it.  It is so trying on my mama's heart to watch him go through the struggles, and see the tears, and hear the hurt.  On one particular difficult week, I stopped in to have lunch with him and play Yahtzee during his lunch recess time. I wanted him to know that someone cared, and was rooting for him.  Most of the teachers at Luke's school, understand his needs, and help encourage him.  Many times this year, I have been told by various teachers what a good heart Luke has, or how he helped them, or did something kind.  I use these moments to feel encouraged that I am doing something right as Luke's mom.  That his character is so much, much more important than his grades.  As a former teacher myself, it is difficult for me to do this, but I understand that each kiddo is different, learns different, and goals in life are different.  We have to celebrate the individual victories and triumphs that come along.  Luke is the kid that buys Gatorade for the kids sick on the DC trip, or carries boxes to a teacher's car after school, holds open the door for EVERYONE, and is the first to volunteer.  Gosh, I love him.

The school work has been very difficult too.  So much that has challenged him, angered him, frustrated him.  But somehow we have both banned together and worked our way through it.  I couldn't have done it without the help of tutor that comes to the house twice a week to help me carry the immense load of work.  Stress is a real thing for kiddos with special needs.  Luke feels it and deals with it in ways that he knows how (sometimes ways that are not very constructive).  ADHD is real.  And from my latest research and studies on this disorder, the main concept that continues to be shared by authors, doctors and articles is that ADHD is an executive functioning skills disorder.  At first I was like, "what the heck is executive functioning skills?"  But the more I researched, I found out that those skills are used in every part of our daily lives.  From organizing yourself to get up, get dressed and all the skills that go with that, to staying focused and attentive in class, keeping track of assignments and homework...it's all related to your executive functioning skills.  It is so so difficult for these kiddos with ADHD to be organized in any area.  I am learning, as Luke's mom and advocate, how I can help this summer to work on some of these skills.  As long as there is a breath in me, I will be continuing to educate myself, to educate Luke on how he can do more, be more and embrace the amazing human he is, and share his gifts with the world.  I will continue to build him up and encourage him, and to speak back to the voices that tell him "he can't".  To which I say, "yes you can!"  We need more Luke's in the world.  I am so very lucky to have him in my life.  

Week #1 @ The Dahlhouse

Happy 2018!  It is a new year, and with a new year comes new goals and plans.  One of my goals, is to complete a weekly update on the blog.  I started with good intentions last year, but never could keep caught up.  So this year...here I am...making it a goal of mine to complete all 52 weeks.

I have to admit though, the Christmas holiday did not turn out the way I planned or envisioned.  I ended up catching a horrendous stomach bug that lasted for 6 days!  I kid you not!!!  At one point I thought I was going to need to go to the ER for dehydration but eventually was able to keep in Gatorade.  I had all these grand plans to do with the kiddos the week prior to Christmas; however, due to my illness, we literally stayed home in PJ's.  Thankfully I felt much better by the time Christmas rolled around.

Our anniversary was January 2.  We celebrated 19 year of marriage!  How can we have been married that long!  Seriously. In my head I don't feel much older than the day we said, "I do." We celebrated by taking the kiddos to the Oregon Coast.  It was the most beautiful beach day for January.  The kids flew their little kites (even though their was no wind).  Man Cub enjoyed running around in the sand.

The kiddos returned to school January 3 and I have slowly began getting Christmas décor put away for another year.  I think it is almost finished.  Finally. 

I am dealing with the aftermath of a hit and run on our brand new van.  Went into Target to pick up prescriptions....20 minutes later came out to the back drivers side completely scratched up.  I couldn't believe it.  I went back into Target to talk to security.  Unfortunately all those camera signs that they post all over,, don't really mean much unless your vehicle is front and center.  Nothing was caught on camera.  No note left.  No witness.  I've kept a pretty decent attitude about the whole thing, and I was very proud that I didn't say anything I would regret.  My older kids were watching and I am hopeful they were able to learn a valuable lesson about honesty, consequences and people are more important than things.

Man Cub had therapy this week.  He is currently on break from feeding therapy (which has gone very well), and we are awaiting a new evaluation for occupational therapy.  I've had a new awareness of Matthew's (Man Cub's) needs.  He is showing some symptoms/signs of having a spectrum disorder.  You think with my background and education I would have put two and two together sooner, but when it is your own child (and not a student) I think sometimes you just get so caught up in life you don't stop and think.  Currently, Matthew has a language delay, feeding delay, toe walking, he has visual stems he does, lines things up, and sensory issues.  The positives are that he has great eye contact.  I am not borrowing trouble or self diagnosing.  I am only being aware of the symptoms and watching him closely.  I am very thankful that he is in early intervention. I am so glad I trusted my mom gut when I talked to the doctor when Matthew was 9 months old.

Here's to a New Year.  With all the hope, promise and blank pages waiting to be written!

5 Things About Being A Speical Needs Mom Revisited

Out of every 5 households, 1 child will have special needs, which can be a physical, cognitive or medical disability.  That's about 10 million children in the US.

Luke is one of those kids.  Grace is one of those kids.

Luke has several disorders.  Early childhood onset glaucoma, microcephaly, ADHD, Tourette Syndrome, sensory integration difficulties and visual and auditory processing needs.  After many, many doctor's visits they have determined that there is no syndrome that links anything together, but that Luke kind of hit the lottery, so to speak, of congenital issues.

His disorders (or special needs) have caused medical and developmental problems.  He has been in physical, occupational and social therapies.  He has had 3 ear surgeries and heart surgery to close a hole in his heart, CAT scans to look at his small head, eye procedures, music therapies, and behavioral therapies.  He has been through more doctor specialists than I can count or remember.

Grace has obsessive compulsive disorder.  We have been through a lot of testing to rule out certain things.  She struggles with academics but gives her best effort.  At the onset of her diagnosis we went through two and half years of therapy to help her with the anxiety. 

Raising a special needs child, is a blessing and a challenge.  It is rewarding and trying.  It is inspiring and defeating.  It is like you can't have one without the other.  You take the good and the not so good.  I sometimes long to feel "normal" but have accepted that my "normal" is "not normal" and I am ok with that.  Many people will tell me what an excellent job I do with Luke and Grace, and how blessed they are to have parents "like us" but I often feel I am just so blessed to have them in my life.  I don't feel like I am anything special, and most days I feel that I am just "not good enough".  I yelled when I shouldn't have or didn't do enough activities with them.  I fail on so many levels, but I am human.  I am a mom.  A special needs mom.  Mainly though I just like to be known as...Luke's mom and Grace's mom and Bella's mom and Matthew's mom.  As a mom of children with special needs, I often feel a myriad of emotions.  I wrote a post like this one four years ago and I wanted to update where I am at now and share MY "real" honest thoughts about how I feel as a special needs mom.  Maybe you can gain some insight into how it is to be a special needs mom. :)

1.  I am tired...just being a mom is exhausting.  Especially to little ones.  However, parenting special needs children takes things to another level of being tired.  On top of the "normal" parenting things you do with your kiddos, you add therapies into your schedule.  While they may attend formal therapy once a week, there is practice and things to do at home several times a week.  We may visit doctors and specialists several times a month.  Sometimes I feel I live at the orthodontists office, especially now that Luke has braces.  As a kiddo with sensory issues, Luke often has a difficult time with all the weird stuff in his mouth.  Last month, we had a big check up on Luke's eyes at OHSU.  Matthew had a 9 month check up, and there were a slew of other doctor appointments including chest x-ray's for Bella.  If its not the medical needs it is the educational needs.  I have been fighting (what seems like a very long time) to re-instate Luke's IEP (Individual Educational Plan).  I finally have a meeting to begin the evaluation process on Monday.  I keep emailing, I keep advocating, I keep fighting even when there seems to be no fight left in me.  I am ALWAYS advocating for him and Grace and Bella in all realms of life and making sure each child receives what they deserve and need.  The NEW news is that Matthew is about to undergo a full developmental evaluation due to the fact he has some issues that have concerned me (I've only told Mark and my mom).  I took him to a screening and he is being referred on to the Infant Toddler Early Intervention Program.  And while I am thankful we live in a place that has such programs, I am concerned about the thought of added therapies.  The emotional toll of all I carry, causes me to be tired.  I am a worrier by nature and I spend many hours thinking about my kids and trying to come up with possible solutions, new therapies, researching, praying.  Some of my recent thoughts include: what new foods can I give Matthew to help with his sensory issues, what can I do to encourage him to try saying new sounds, how can I help Grace and Luke be more organized...(just to name a couple). 

 2.  I am jealous...I almost didn't put this one down...again.  You can read my post four years ago about what I was struggling with here.  I thought about this again, and sadly it is still SO true.  I don't want to admit that I am jealous, and I thought perhaps in the last four years I have grown and this no longer applies.  But I am being HONEST here.  I feel jealous of moms whose kids can play on typical sports teams, school sports teams or have children that don't always finish last with physical activity.  I feel jealous of moms who don't have sit beside there children and coax them to try their homework, and then don't have to email all their teachers to let them know what they didn't complete.   I feel jealous of moms that can go away for a weekend.  I tried to go away for two nights to an adoption retreat.  Oh how I needed it.  But, I made it one night before one of my children ended up in the ER and I came home.  I was so glad they were ok, but I cried for a couple days because I felt so disappointed that something I looked forward to for so long (the retreat) was over for another year.  I am jealous of moms that have a dozen babysitters on speed dial (or even one).  I get that we have four kids and it is a lot, but having a babysitter that was available would be amazing.  I keep praying about this.  My kids are so wonderful, but they can be difficult.  My mom has been very helpful watching the kids and offering to watch the kids (which I appreciate more than I can express), but she works full time and is tired and sometimes we need someone last minute.  In the last four years, I have also experienced jealousy of moms who still have there fathers.  I miss mine everyday.  Anytime I watch a father hug his daughter, it's there...jealousy.  I just plain miss mine.  He was always full of great insight, help and support.  I grieve still that he isn't here to have a relationship with his grandbabies.  He would have been and amazing grandpa.

3.  I feel alone...  Most days I spend completely alone (with my kids).  I am more comfortable in this role than I was four years ago, but I would still echo as a special needs mom I feel alone.  Mark works a weird schedule these days, so when he goes to work in the morning I don't have much contact with anyone who isn't a therapist, a school teacher, a doctor or specialist.  I try and visit a friend once a week, but it doesn't always happen.  I could use the support of other moms with children who have the same type of issues.  That is why the Called to Love Retreat has been so wonderful for me.  I can physically see that I am NOT the ONLY one who is walking this path.  We recently began attending a new church, and I am happy to report that there is another mama who is walking my same path at church. Which is an amazing blessing! I am hopeful that perhaps we can connect more because I could sure use her friendship.   

4. I am human...I am not a saint, even though well meaning people do try and tell me I am.  I have bad days, off days, days I feel like I am failing and think I am not doing a good job.  Being a special needs mom has really re-shaped my life in many, many good ways.  Luke and Grace have helped me discover who I really am.  I have realized that I am a lot stronger than what I thought.  I have learned to be pushy, confrontational when I need to be, how to fight, speak and advocate for those who cannot.  In the past four years, I have also learned that I have limitations, and it is ok to admit when you need help.  I am in therapy currently for anxiety/depression, and I sought out the help of a doctor and I am on medication.  I am human.  And I am ok with it.  Both therapy and medication have helped me in a huge way.  I no longer spend everyday crying, I don't feel like I am the verge of a breakdown, I am not in a constant state of worry, and I am not over analyzing every weird twinge or symptom in my body.  I still have dreams of things I would like to accomplish, but for now I would settle for reading a book, painting or going to the spa. (A mom can dream right?)

5. I am scared...This one is difficult to admit too...still.  While I don't dwell on this thought too often, it is part of raising children with special needs.  I am scared that I won't do something or find the right therapy for them.  I am scared Luke is going to be blind someday due to his glaucoma.  I am scared I won't know the right things to say when we talk about their adoptions or know how to answers their questions?  I am scared I am not doing enough or that I am doing too much?  I am scared when Luke goes to school that other kids are mean to him, or he doesn't eat his lunch cause he talks too much, or that he isn't following the rules.  I worry Grace isn't turning her work in or she is distracted.   I am scared that time is going by too quickly...moments are passing I won't ever get back.  Have I been enough? done enough? loved enough? advocated enough? taught enough? played enough?

My life is forever changed (for the better) by raising Luke and Grace (and Bella and Matthew too).  They bless me in ways that I can't explain.  When I look into Luke and Grace's eyes, and I see how happy they are, and then I think of the alternative (which I can't describe), I am blessed....a hundred times blessed...to call them all mine.  Every time I break up an argument, model appropriate behavior, remind him "he is not the parent", ask her to "finish the job," tell them "no" or the million other things I do, I remember that God according to His plan choose us for them.  I don't take that lightly.  I was called to this "position"...to take up my weapon and fight for those who cannot.  I know that the mere existence of Luke and Grace is a promise that God has a BIG plan for their lives.  I really believe it.  So even though it may not look so pretty in the trenches, I am there, I am fighting.  I am real.  I am THEIR mom. 

Parenting Children From Hard Places and Staying Connected

During my time at the Adoption Mom's retreat, I had the opportunity to attend several breakout sessions.  All of the sessions were very beneficial in many ways; however, the session I attended titled, "Parenting the Connected Child" was AMAZING!  I was challenged to look at my parenting in a different way.   The two speakers presented information that inspired me and left me wishing the session was a few more hours.  There was so much information presented that applied to parenting children who have come from trauma, kiddos with special needs, and kiddos that are adopted.

Here are 10 takeaways from the session "Parenting the Connected Child". 

• As parents, we have to know our stuff. We need to know our baggage. We need to know where we came from, and what our triggers are.  Our kiddos know how to trigger us.  They don't wake up each morning and say, "I think I am going to push everyone of mom or dad's button's today."  However, they have a way of doing that!  We can't go to certain places (hard places) with our children, if we are not willing to go there ourselves.  KNOW OUR STUFF.
• Flip Your Lid.  I am a visual learner, so any type of picture or visual cue is extremely helpful for me.  Think of your brain (and your child's brain) as your hand.  You have the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain and the part in the middle is the amygdala.  The amygdala is responsible for the our "animal brain" or the "Fight, flight, freeze" instinct.  For the whole brain to funcition optimially the entire brain needs to be connected (think of your hand as a fist).  When your child "Flips their lid" (think of your hand completely opened), your child's brain is not connected and they are operating out of their animal or primal brain.  If our kids brains are flipped, talking and reasoning will do nothing.  Also as parents, our brains need to be connected to parent.  It is impossible to parent out of the "fight, flight, freeze" part of the brain. 
• We need to connect with our children through our parenting.  Connection disarms fear.  Disarming the fear leads to connection which leads to trust.  
• Kids from hard places have brains that have been rewired due to trauma.  The brain has memories of trauma and the body has memories as well. 
• Two Strategies that help you connect to your children are "Mindfulness" and "Engagement".
• Mindfulness is being aware of you (the parent).  By asking yourself "What do I bring from my past?  Where did I come from? What kind of parenting did I have? We need to know our own "stuff" and then choose what we will and will not bring into our parenting.  What can you let go of?  How does your child perceives you?  What is your voice?  What is your tone?  Human brains are wired to take in 80% tone and 20% words.  Often when children from hard places hear a certain tone they have negative body memories and then they respond irrational.  Body Memory is how a body remembers in certain situations.  The body will remember negative memories but it will also remember positive safe ones too.  When the body has a positive memory it creates new neuro pathways.  When a child is safe it equals connection. 
• Engagement is to give them a voice.  Much of what has happened in our kids' lives has been things that have been out of their control.  We can help give them a voice by giving them choices.  I find choices can be really difficult sometimes.  I know when I give choices I have to be ok with either choice.  But by giving a choice we give them control and share the power.  Sharing power is compromise and giving them a compromise is huge.  It isn't manipulation but negotiation.  Being present and being connected to our kids is more important than being right. 
• When teaching or correcting my kids, calmly asking them, "I need you to say that again with respect," is a good strategy.  Even if they just dial it down a little, take it! 
• Don't ask questions you already know the answer to.  I am so guilty of this one!!!  Instead of saying, "have you brushed your teeth yet?" (when you know they haven't), say, "I need you to go brush your teeth." 
• Give support until they don't need it.  This was a big "ah-ha" for me.  How many times have I said, "you are _______  years old, you should be doing this on your own."  Mostly said out of frustration.  But if I had reframed and shifted my thinking to this little person needing more support instead of what they should be doing at a certain age I would be less frustrated.  It's my job to support them until they don't need it anymore regardless of their age. 

There is so much more I could share about Parenting kids from hard places, parenting kids that have experienced trauma, adopted kiddos and kiddos with special needs.  Here are a few resources I have found helpful including the book I am referencing from the break out session at the retreat.   

• Connected Parenting
• Parenting Without Power Struggles
• Whole Brain Child
• Whole Brain Child Workbook/Activities

Our children are blessings!  I am so honored to be their mama, and will continue to strive to provide them a safe and connected environment. 

Psalm 127:3~"Children are a blessing and a gift from the Lord."