Life @ The Dahlhouse: Recovery from a Hysterectomy

I made it to the other side of the surgery.  It is a good feeling.  A relief.  Finally, after six months of waiting the surgery has taken place, and I am on the path to recovery.  It will be a long, slow recovery.  Six weeks to be exact.  I want nothing more than to take the time, be slow, don't rush things, and let my body heal the way it needs too.  I have given myself permission to do nothing (which if you know me is uncharacteristic).  I have given myself permission to say no, nap and watch a ton of TV.  I am listening to my body...knowing what I am ready for and what I am not ready for.  I am taking care of me.

The surgery was a success.  Tuesday, June 26 started very early. In many ways the time and hospital reminded me of when I had my C-sections, however, there was enough difference to not make me think too much of that fact.  We checked in at short stay surgery and waited to be called back.  Once back in my pre-op room (221), I got to change into a hospital gown, socks and take a pregnancy test.  I chuckled to myself when the nurse announced it was "negative".  Oh good I thought.  Haha.

Because I was having robotic surgery, and they weren't certain which side they would be doing the procedure on, I was lucky enough to get two IVs.  One on each hand.  The nurse actually did a really good job and was successful the first time on each side.  I was asked a bazillion questions.  I met with two different anesthesiologists.  Dr. Jang and Dr. Lail.  They work in teams, however, Dr. Lail was the main anesthesiologist.  He was very funny and made me feel comfortable.  He answered questions and promised to keep me asleep and comfortable the entire time.  Due to my anxiety, he offered a medication to make me feel very relaxed on the way to the OR, and I gladly accepted.  Dr. Saner came and said hello and asked me if I had any last questions.  After that, things moved quickly.  The OR nurse came, Dr. Lail was there, and the moment he inserted the meds into the IV, I was very relaxed.  I told Mark good bye and they wheeled me down the hall.  I remember entering the OR, seeing Dr. Saner, and moving over to the operating table.  They put a mask over my nose and mouth and that was it.  I then woke up hours later in the recovery room.

My surgery ended up taking longer than anticipated.  It took awhile to get the robot set up and ready and then there were a few unexpected findings during the surgery.  One was that my bladder was adhered to my uterus with scar tissue from my previous csections.  Dr. Saner needed to remove the adhesions.  Then my uterus gave them trouble with them actually removing it.  I have a very small pelvis and that presented an issue.  They were finally able to remove it but it took extra time.  My surgery began at 7:30am and I remember seeing the clock in the recovery room and it said 11:30am.  Everything went well though, and I woke up fine.  I was very groggy the rest of the day, but no nausea (which I was very thankful for).

I was wheeled up to the fifth floor and stayed in room 509.  I don't really remember how I got there...haha.  Mark was waiting, as was the nurse.  All of the nurses I had were very kind, nice and helpful.  They really cared about helping me, how I felt, and making sure I was comfortable.  I was up and walking around by 5pm.  I had to leave the catheter in over night due to the messing with my bladder due to the adhesions.  But it really didn't bother me too much.  Dr. Saner came in an sat down to talk to me about 6:15pm.  She told me all about the surgery and answered some more questions.  She said she would be back tomorrow morning to discharge me.  A wonderful friend who works at Legacy came to visit me in the evening.  I was so happy so see her.  Around 10:30 I settled in for the night. Mark went home to be with the kids around 5pm.  It was very quiet.  I was going to ask for a sleeping pill; however, I fell asleep and slept till 5am.  The nurses left me alone, which was nice (or if they came in, I didn't know...LOL).  Mark arrived with Bella around 10:30 am and we left the hospital around 1pm.  I was very happy to have very normal blood pressures while I was in the hospital.  That was a win for me.

My mom watched the kiddos during the surgery day and for the next two days after I was home.   I was very appreciative.  The kids had a great time with her.  Meals have been arriving from family and friends and boy I am I grateful to not have to think about what to cook.  I am so, so thankful.

So now...it is a day by day process.  I feel a little better each day.  I have 5 incisions from the robot.  They are very small.  I have some internal stitches and my bladder still feels a little off, but each day it is better.  We are taking things very slow over here at the Dahlhouse and it's ok.  In a life that rushes by and moves at a fast pace, it is a good contrast to just be.  

Life @ The Dahlhouse: I'm Having a Hysterectomy

Tomorrow, I will bravely walk into the hospital and check in to have a hysterectomy.  At only 39 years old, I am young to be having this procedure.  However, the pain and bleeding have made my life very difficult for the last several years.  I realize that the decision to have a hysterectomy is a long and serious one.  We have weighed the pros and cons, and both Mark and I feel this is the best decision for me and our family.  I wanted to share my story, my why, the process, and the recovery.  I think many times, hard decisions are difficult to share for many different reasons.  But I want to bring a voice, a story, and face of someone who went through the process of deciding, had the hysterectomy and recovered well.  I have benefited from learning about other's experiences with having a hysterectomy, and if one woman is encouraged or learns something from me and my experience, I am glad to share and to say "me too."  *If you are squeamish about reading about uteruses, bleeding, periods and medical terminology, then this post might not be for you.  Just a friendly warning.  :) 

I learned last November, after a series of tests and ultrasounds, that I have condition called, adenomyosis.  Basically it means I have endometriosis inside my uterus.  Fabulous.  Well...that explained a lot of things...the pain, bleeding, spotting, and more pain.  When I think back when I first noticed all of the symptoms, a year ago comes to mind.  However, after spending more time thinking, I realized that I began experiences changes to my cycles shortly after I had Bella.  As the years passed, after having Bella in 2010, my periods began to become increasingly heavier, and full of clots.  I worried, excessively if I was going to hemorrhage or need to go to the ER.  And just before I reached the point of actually going to the ER, they would lighten up and I would be good for another month.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, I would worry for the next cycle...would it be bad?  Would I need help?  It has been a debilitating way to live.  

Just when I had accepted that we were going to be a family of 5, two pink lines appeared on a pregnancy test.  Matthew came into our lives and I can't imagine life without him.  12 months of no periods was amazing!  And then my periods returned.  And.it.was.awful!  For the first time in my life, I was planning what days I needed to stay home and close to a bathroom.  With a husband that travels for work, it was very difficult and scary at times to be home alone during "that time of the month."  I chalked my awful cycles up to "getting older," and tried my best to press on.  The pain at times was excruciating.

When Matthew was 7 months old, we took a family trip to Disneyland.  One of my very favorite places ever.  I ended up starting my period on the third day, and now most of my memories of the trip revolve around all of the bathrooms I used, and how much pain I was in.  I really feel like I need a do-over for that trip.  Thankfully, the Happiest Place On Earth has ALOT of bathrooms.  The picture above is me and Grace.  This was our third day into the trip.  I am trying to have a good time, but I remember thinking how awful I was feeling, and wanting to lay down.  

Last July, we took a family trip to Bend, Oregon.  During the trip I began having more symptoms of adenomyosis (only I didn't know I had that at the time).  The spotting during my cycle overshadowed the trip, and I was worried about what was wrong with me.  It was this trip that made me realize I was going to have to get to the bottom of what was going on.

In the fall, we took our kids to Great Wolf Lodge.  Only I couldn't get in the water, due to another horrible period.  I remember the pain was so great (even on meds) I wanted to come home.  I put on brave face for my kids.  I don't want to let things like this win.  I must have made 10 trips to the bathroom that night we were away from home.  I barely slept.  After this trip, I made an appointment to see my gynecologist in November.

Even as I type this now, my uterus is aching and cramping.  I am so thankful to Dr. Saner who listened to me, and what was going on, ordered tests and got to the bottom of it.  There is only one cure for adenomyosis and that is a hysterectomy.  There were other things I could have tried, other methods of attempting to lighten the periods and pain, but the truth is that the condition will not get better...it will only get worse with time.  Since we are finished having babies, a hysterectomy was agreed upon.  Since last November, I have been planning for a hysterectomy.  I will need a certain amount of help.  Honestly, the only thing that I am worried about is not being able to lift my baby for 6 very long weeks.  How do you explain that to you toddler?  I hope he still wants mommy when this is all done.  I've been working on training him and Grace.  She has began to put him in his car seat, change is diaper more often and help more with Matthew's day-to-day care.  It has been excruciating at times to relinquish these tasks, but I know I am doing it for the well being of my recovery.

Tomorrow, I will be having a laparoscopic robotic assisted hysterectomy.  I will keep my ovaries and everything else goes.  This will help maintain steady hormones throughout my body and not need to go through menopause at 39.  My emotions have been up and down these past couple of weeks.  There is a sense of relief that comes with knowing the pain and bleeding will be coming to end.  There is also a bitter sweetness of saying good-bye to my uterus.  My uterus and I haven't had the best relationship.  A rollercoaster relationship at best.  It has failed me three times, and it has borne my two sweet babies.  It has carried both life and death.  It has caused immense pain and also the greatest joys.  Tomorrow my uterus will no longer be apart of my life, and I will begin a new chapter without it.  And I have chosen to embrace this new chapter of my life and look forward to the new adventures ahead...

He's In The Waiting

Two weeks ago, I had my three month follow up appointment with my dermatologist.  It was a routine appointment where I would have another complete skin exam.  Since my surgery in May, I have not really thought too much about the cancer and my experience.  However, as I realized this appointment was getting closer, I began to be filled will fear.  The “what ifs” are paralyzing to me.  Having the melanoma on my shoulder allowed me to walk through the worst fear that I had (having cancer).  It’s not so much the having cancer, but the dying from cancer and leaving my children without a mother that is the root of my fear.  I’ve spent a lot of my life paralyzed with fear and anxiety.  A fear that really took root when my father died so quickly from cancer.  But in the last three years, I have really had a big break through and have been able to walk a new freedom.  

I wanted to postpone the appointment and deep down I just honestly did not want to go back the office and relive everything I have been through.  Seeing the doctor that made the “phone call” to tell me I had cancer, seeing the room where I had a huge chunk of my shoulder removed, and being faced with the prospect of the process starting all over again.  But, every time I looked at Matthew, I knew I would be walking into the doctor office to face my fears on Wednesday.  Catching skin cancer early, is the most preventable and simplest way to deal with it.  No matter the outcome it was time once again to face the music.

I really expected good news on Wednesday.  I built myself up, and sang on the way to the doctor’s office.  I expected that everything was going well and my scar was healing well.  However, I was not prepared for the dermatologist to remove three more suspicious spots on my body.  The most I have ever had removed at one time.  I lay on the table determined not to cry.  I left feeling defeated and with stitches in three different spots.  I felt right back in the same spot I had been in three months earlier….the waiting.  So.much.waiting.

If I could tell you about my 2017, I would tell you it has been the year of waiting.  It has been a difficult year.  I told Mark that I did not want to do this again.  I was tired.  So tired of waiting.  He told me that there must be something that we need to learn during this time.  I think daggers shot out of my eyes when he said that, after all... I was the one whose body resembled Swiss cheese.  However, I was reminded of the song we sang Sunday at church “He’s in the waiting.”  Every day this week I have woken up singing that song. 

(This is what it looked like to be marked up for skin cancer surgery)

It seems I have been waiting for something since this year started: Matthew’s therapy and swallow study in March, Luke’s IEP, my first round of cancer and results, results from lab work, results from a mammogram I needed due to having cancer and my family history, I am still waiting on closure to car accident I had in 2015, and now waiting on results from these biopsies.  And yet…in it all…all the waiting…I know He is there with me, beside me, in front of me, behind me, a head of me.  He is in the waiting...even if it doesn't feel good or right or comfortable.

I began to really listen to the words of that song and there were a couple of things that I heard.  The first is that God is in control.  I know...I know...it sounds simple enough.  The first part of the song says “He’ll reveal what’s to come.”  This is a very difficult lesson for me because I want to be in control.  But with all this medical stuff I am reminded that I am not in control.  There was another time in life, when we were in the process of adopting Luke, that I knew God was in complete control and I was along for the ride.  There was literally NOTHING that we could do to make the pieces fit together.  It was all God.  The second part of the song that spoke to me was “Hold on to your hope, as your triumph unfolds.”  This particular phrase spoke to me in the midst of wondering if I am going to face cancer again, and how bad would it be, and would I die from it.  The song never talks about defeat, or losing.  And I thought..you know…that is right.  Even in death, it is a victory because of what Jesus did on the cross.  It is ALWAYS a triumph.  So even if I faced the absolute worst…it is still a triumph because he’s never failing.  “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
 

(The dark spot on my shoulder was the skin cancer.  I had no idea when we were in Hawaii in February.  But this is what it looked like...PSA...please get a skin exam.  It is no fun but they are painless...even if they remove things they numb you up.  Prevention/early detection is key.  We never think it is going to be us).

This summer has been a rather lonely one for me.  Mark’s work schedule is crazy and I often spent days at a time with just the kids.  Even now...now that school has begun and routines have been reestablished I find myself at times lonelier (if that is possible).  Don't get me wrong...I cherish  my time with Man Cub; however he isn't so great at carrying on a conversation.  I am in a place in life where I don’t have any of my titles I have I had in the past (teacher, foster parent, worship leader, mentor) and it’s been a difficult road to navigate at times.  There are times I feel invisible, and I wonder how I have arrived at this place.  I used to do so many things.  I am a highly educated woman with experience in many different areas, but in this season of life it is just "me" and my past it just that...past.  It’s a newer season for me, and sometimes difficult because I wonder if I have lost part of myself.

I find myself longing to travel (not even very far).  I wanted to see the Redwoods this summer.  In truth...when I found out I had cancer in May, I wanted nothing more than to drive to the Redwoods this summer and stand beneath the magical trees and listen to the quiet, and see if perhaps they might speak to me.  I wanted to feel small, and I wanted to soak in the wonder of the giants.  I wanted to hike part of the Pacific Crest trail (even a few steps)...not to recreate Wild but check something off my bucket list.  I never had a bucket list until I was face to face with the beast called cancer.  Even though my physical battle with cancer was short, the emotional battle continues on.  Louder at times and more pronounced and then quieter and further away. It lingers in the wings of my life.  It surrounds me...it is always close by.  I am reminded that my life is fragile and everything can shift  in a moment.  I never made it to the trees this summer...there are still some major wild fires burning in the area.  Maybe this fall...maybe...hopefully.

I had prepared myself for approx. a week wait for results from the three biopsies. I had come to realize that probably for the rest of my life, I will be going through this. I prayed for peace and decided this time I would fill my mind with positive thoughts.  I have realized worry won't change results.  So I of course decided to solve all the house problems and rearrange furniture, bedrooms and declutter the kids’ rooms.  LOL.  But I decided that no matter the results, I didn’t want to lose a week of my life which included things like the kids’ back to school night, first day of school and several appointments with my kids because I was paralyzed with fear.  He’s in the waiting! 

Much to my surprise I received and email update on my biopsies and all three came back benign with no evidence of cancer!  Apparently, because of my history they were able to put a rush order on them. and they were back in 48 hours.  What a great end to this week!  And so...the journey continues.  Life goes on... and next up is my referral to OHSU to have something called "Mole Mapping" done.  Now I believe mole mapping is referred to as "Spectra".  It is digital photography of your entire body to track the changes of moles.  Perhaps...fingers crossed...this will keep me from looking like Swiss cheeses every six months.  Here's hoping!!!

Take Courage

Slow down take time, breathe in He says He’ll reveal what’s to come

The thoughts in his mind, always higher than mine

He will reveal all that comes

So take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul

He’s in the waiting, He’s in the waiting

Hold on to your hope, as your triumph unfolds

He’s never failing, He’s never failing

Sing praise my soul, find strength in joy, let His words lead you on

Do not forget, His great faithfulness,

He’ll finish all he’s begun

And you who hold the stars, who call them each by name

Will surely your keep your promise to me

That I will rise in your victory

The Dahlhouse: Week #19~The Call No One Ever Wants to Get

Waiting for biopsy results,  is a nerve wracking experience.  So when the doctor's phone number flashed on my cell phone screen, I immediately knew this was not good news.  I got the call I had been terrified of getting for years.  The call that I have cancer.   He informed me that the mole I had removed off my arm was benign and one mole off my shoulder was Melanoma in situ.  In situ is classified as stage 0, meaning the cancer is sitting on the top of the skin.  It has not spread, and it is all in one place.  The treatment is surgery to remove more skin surrounding the melanoma and test for clear margins.  Once the margins are clear, the follow up treatment is more frequent skin checks.  In one five minute phone call, I found out I had cancer and was scheduled for surgery the following week.  My head was spinning.

I had a few days of a pretty good pity party.  I vacillated between being extremely thankful it was caught so early, and feeling angry and scared (mom to four kiddos). 

Tuesday, May 9, Mark and I went in for my surgery.  The doctor removed a lot more skin than I was expecting.  Here I am all marked up so the surgeon knows what is being removed.  They used a special light in marking up my skin.  My poor eyes, I had only had one break down in front of the doctor by this point. 

*NOTE: We choose not to tell our kids about my skin cancer at this point.  They know I have moles removed, as this has been happening since I was a teenager.  They knew I had have some additional skin removed but for the time being...they don't need to know.  Especially since I have two kiddos with anxiety disorders.  If you know our family personally, please do not mention this to them as they won't have any idea.  Thank you so much!

Here was my shoulder the night after the surgery.  Out of all the difficulties of this process, not being able to hold Matthew with my right arm has proved the most difficult challenge.  After the skin was removed...I found myself waiting again.  For pathology results.  Waiting to heal.  It has been a lot of waiting. 

I think that one of the most interesting lessons I have learned with all this is that life continues and moves on.  It didn't stop because I found out I have skin cancer.  I continued to teach classes, carry Matthew with one arm, go on a field trip, take the kids to a rabbit show, laugh, go out with friends. 

We even sold our Honda Odyssey during this time period as well. 

I celebrated Mother's day with this sweet girl and her class a few days after surgery.

The three olders and I went to a rabbit show at Clark County Fair Grounds. 

I even sported my 4H shirt and had a pretty good day being with my kids. 

At the end of week #19, I was still waiting on the edge of my chair to hear if things were "all clear" or if I was going to have to undergo another surgery. 

Leg Surgery, Hawaiian Food and Roller Skating

LEG SURGERY!!! Yes...my sweetie had to have a leg procedure done last Wednesday.  He has had a bad vein in his left leg that has been bothering him for months.  It goes numb, falls asleep and causes him a lot of PAIN.  So he had an outpatient procedure to fix it.  He told me that he thought it was "ironic" that in order to cure the pain he has been having,  he has to go through so much pain to get there.  Poor guy.  Fortunately he has to be up and around walking for the leg to heal properly, so he isn't stuck lying down.

HOWEVER....I think the most PAINFUL part of the leg surgery was NOT being able to climb Mt. Adams this year.  Right now...his best buddy Luke Gillock and his son Daniel are up climbing the mountain.  Mark really wanted to be there the first time Daniel climbed Mt. Adams.  There is something about the "mountain top" experience that is indescribable according to Mark.  So... I have been praying for his recovery and his loss of not being able to do something he really LOVES.  

Mark at the summit of Mt. Adams

 Luke, Jordan and Mark at the Summit

Oh how Mark LOVES all of his climbing gear.   So it looks like the summit was 12,280 ft.

The last couple of days have been a blast hanging out with the kids and entertaining them while daddy has been recovering.  Friday, my mom took us out to lunch at the Bamboo Grille (Hawaiian Food).  It was really yummy.  Then we had our annual "Baseball Park" day.  Luke is getting quite good at hitting the ball.  It does this mommy's heart good to know that he can still SEE well enough to hit a baseball.  He REALLY wants to play baseball next year.  I am hoping that he can too!  Grace enjoyed running the bases and picking flowers.  Miss B was out an about this year and even hit a couple tennis balls with the bat (with mommy's help).  She is miss independence (let me tell you).  

Mimi helping Grace bat...Luke catching...

Miss Bella watching the "action" with her Minnie Mouse Hat and sunscreen in hand. :)

After we were done at the "Baseball Park" we took the kids to Oaks Park (amusement park) for even more fun (Cause we are CRAZY like that).  It was Fred Meyer Fridays so we took advantage of their great deal.  I rode the rides with the kids (cause of Mark's leg).  

Part of our admission was getting to go Roller Skating.  Mark looked at me funny when I told we were going roller skating.  Yes, I knew the kids had never been roller skating before, but we were there, it was already paid for, so we were having this EXPERIENCE.  It was the FUNNIEST thing...Poor Gracie couldn't even stand up.  She spent more time on the floor.  Her exact words were "I HATE THIS".  Luke was actually much better, but they still didn't get off the carpet.  I took a couple of laps out on the roller rink and WOW it has been 15 years since I last roller skated.  It was kind of fun.  I vowed that BOTH kids were getting roller skates and they were going to learn.  They were less than thrilled.  They were quite happy to be rid of the skates, and that their roller skating careers were short. ;)  After and ice cream and a few laps around on the go-carts we were exhausted. 

 This is how the kids looked much of the time :)

 Grace bravely hanging onto the bench while attempting to stand for a picture :)

I really enjoyed that for a few days I was able to let the stress of everything go...and focus on the little family I LOVE so much!