Week #26 & 27 @ The Dahlhouse

Summertime is in full swing at the Dahlhouse.  I am enjoying having a more relaxed schedule.  Even within the down time of summer, we continue to have a "schedule".   Monday's find us traveling to and fro from our little community library.  I finally found it!  It is the sweetest little library and perfect for my kiddos to peruse the aisles searching for the perfect book.  Bella calls it "book shopping" and cracks me up each time she says it. 

Water fills many of our hot days. 

Because this little one LOVES water sooo much, we have decided not to set up our big pool this summer.  Instead we have opted for a smaller pool that can be emptied when finished.

However, the size of the pool does not stop the big kiddos from joining in on the activities.  Pool is a pool.  LOL.  Grace is a joy!  She and Matthew have such a special bond and Grace is an excellent helper.  I can always count on her for Matthew help.  She is growing up.  Can't.even.believe.it!

Even though it is summer, the process of fighting and advocating for my kids does not take time off.  Even on a warm Monday, you can find us in the doctor's office with double appointments because this mama has a concern.  Man...I LOVE MY BOYS!  Luke is struggling...he is such a sweet, beautiful soul.  What a privilege to be his mama.  In the midst of Luke's of trials and hard stuff....I am crazy, deeply grateful for my amazing son!  He bring such joy and how I love him and the good God that brought us together.  Pray for him if you think of him.  We've had some very hard days around these parts. 

And oh Matthew...the little person I wished for that I didn't know that I needed!  Matthew is in Infant Toddler Early Intervention.  We have therapy for him for language delays.  He also is tip toe walking. I am concerned and needed the doctor to look at him.  After an exam and four xrays that left us both sweating and crying, he was referred for a pediatric therapy evaluation.  Knowledge is power.  We will be happy if he is fine, and happy to get help if he needs it. 

I finished this book in June.  Wow!  I knew it would be a hard read...and it was.   As a mama that has had both life and death within her...that has said goodbye to three little babies I never knew...my soul needed to read this.  I needed to feel it again.  I needed to grieve a bit more.  I needed to let myself go there.  And I did.  I cried the ugly cry more than once and surprised myself that even after 15, 14 and 12 years ago of losing my babies, the memories, the pain, the dreams and hopes for these little tiny humans were still there.  I allowed myself to feel it and talk about it.  And.it.was.good.  I am glad that I read this book. 

My photobook from Shutterfly arrived.  I designed one about our anniversary trip to Hawaii.  It turned out better than I expected and I highly recommend them.

My scar from my skin cancer is healing very well.  It is better than I could have imagined!  I am very happy. 

 Everyone needs a batman in their life!

 And a baby with a cat on their heads!  Thank you Facebook messenger!!!

 BBQing at Mimi and Papa's.

 Holding on to Hope while parenting on difficult days.

Bella had the opportunity to take a Mandarin lesson through a company called Lingo Bus.  It is a partner company with the one I work for VIPKID.  She loved it!  She is obsessed with Chinese culture.  She loves Panda's, Chinese food and learning people's names in Chinese.  I heart her so!

We've been selling pizza cards as a fundraiser for 4h.  This is our new mini rex rabbit.  She is super soft.

Papa and Mimi took Luke this last weekend for an overnight at their house.  They also took him golfing!  I am hoping that Luke will be able to join the high school golf team in a couple of years.  He really loves it and I think it would be very good for him.

Finally two of my kids promoted grades/classes on Sunday!  Bella moved up to the first grade class.  And Luke graduated out of children's church on Sunday mornings.  He is now going to be a helper for the younger kids classes.  Grace is excited as well because she gets to begin going to youth group.  Tonight is her first night!

The Missing Mom

I'm that mom...the one who is missing from the majority of family pictures.  I'm either behind the camera, or I politely decline to be in the pictures when others have offered to take them.  I have nearly a gazillion pictures of my kids (who are my joy!).  The ones that chronical their lives both individually and corporately. 

 The pictures that show how much they change and grow.

 The pictures that tell the story of conquering fears and triumphal victories.

The pictures that celebrate school events: concerts, plays, presentations.

 The pictures that make us laugh, and we want them documented to remember.

The pictures that celebrate new beginnings and another year passing. 

I cherish my pictures!  They are so precious to me, and I understand the importance of the gift they give by allowing you to capture a moment in time.  For everything to stand still, and to forever be able to look back and see how we were at that second.  Time goes by entirely too fast. 

Newborns grow into babies who grow in to toddlers, who grow into children who grow into teenagers.  Seriously I have lived that whole sequence in this past year.  And I look back and notice that while my children's lives are documented...mine is not. Oh I am there...in the thick and thin and the long nights, and the cleaning and the cleaning and the cleaning (so much cleaning these days).  I'm crying tears as they go off to kindergarten, standing close as they use a locker combination for the first time, encouraging them as they play the flute and clap their hands.  I'm just behind the camera (or on the sidelines).

It's vulnerable for me to be in front of the camera these days.  I used to enjoy having my picture taken (back in my teens and early 20s).  Not now.  I have a mama body and no where near my "goal weight" (whatever that is now!).  I've birthed two children, and labored years for my other two to be officially my babies.  I've battled PCOS, anxiety, depression, exhausted, fear.  I'm tired and carry the weariness of having adjusted to life as a mama of four and a new baby again.  The last thing I am wanting to do is get in front of a camera for everyone to see. 

My sweet friend, and amazing photographer, encouraged me to have my picture taken.  She has been taking pictures of my kids for almost a year.  I am so glad to have met her.  I signed my kids up for a Christmas PJ and cookies session.  My first thought was the kids would be so cute.  But then I started thinking of what a gift it would be to have my picture taken with them.  I want my kids to remember that I lived life with them and have something to look back on.  Not just in "selfies".  To remember that I was the mama that played Yahtzee, and dolls and colored...the mom that played the Wii, danced in the kitchen and sang in the car.  I want them to remember that I lived.  I want them to know that it is ok to not "have it all together" and to "look perfect".  We all have flaws.  And there is a beauty in that...in the mess.  So thank you Brienne for not only capturing us all beautifully, but for encouraging me...and for the gift of making time stand still.

Rest In Peace Sweet Dad of Mine

Thirteen years ago...you breathed your last breath and let go.  How is it possible that it has been 13 years already!  Seems like forever and a minute all at the same time.  I have been anticipating this year's anniversary for awhile...at least my subconscious has been preparing.  You've appeared in my dreams, memories and I've noticed I have been extra emotional this past month.  Some years the anniversary of your death comes and I remember the day (as always) and miss you, think of you and move on, but some anniversaries come and they tear at my heart, and the grief feels raw for a moment and I cry at all you've missed these past 13 years.   This year's anniversary is the later. 

Recently I've thought a lot about the type of father you were.  You were involved in my life and you included me in yours.  You showed up and participated.  You drove me to school, piano lessons, chaperoned field trips, took my shopping, cheered me on at sporting events, listened to endless choir concerts.  You welcomed my friends into our home and I always thought of you and mom as the "cool" parents.  Even though you were a pastor and we were a Christian family, we were allowed to dress up and go trick-or-treating on Halloween, go to school dances, hang out at friends houses.  You took me on vacations and bought me a first car.  You loved mom.  Some of my best memories I have of you and her, is dancing in the living room on Christmas Eves to Kenny G.  Christmas was always magical at our home.  Try as I might, there is no replicating it for my kids.  We have wonderful Christmases but they are different now.  Different now that you are gone.

We sold our first home this past year.  It was very hard for me to decide to move.  Partially because you helped us buy our first home.  You helped us through the process and renovating it.  Selling it felt like losing a part of you.  However, with our ever growing family, it became necessary to let it go.  So after thinking a long time about how to include you in our new home, I finally came up with an idea.  At the end of the hallway, I hung your picture up.  The one I have had since your memorial service 13 years ago.  Above your picture is a quote from your favorite passage of scripture on a canvas (Psalm 27:1).  I thought you would like it here.  I joke that you have a great vantage point to watch the kids come and go and grow up.  You watched Matthew crawl down that hallway for the first time a few months ago, and you watch the kids enter and exit the bathroom everyday while brushing their teeth for school.  You've watched a myriad of kids go in and out and in and out the garage door with bike helmets, scooters and skinned knees, and you've seen me carry the central vac hose in and out probably a gazillion times.  Every time I pass by your picture, I smile.  I thought it might bring me sadness, but I actually enjoy knowing where I can see your smiling face.  So there you are on the wall watching all the craziness that is the Dahlhouse!

Rest in peace my sweet dad...I love you more than any words could ever say...xoxoxoxo

What Happened to the American Church?

Mark travels a lot for work.  He works for the railroad.  He conducts trains.  He always says it sounds more interesting than it really is.  In his pursuit to provide for our family, it leaves me alone on many Sunday mornings singly parenting our energetic children.  The way I see it...I have two choices.  I can stay home, or I can round up my bunch and go to church.  Some Sundays, the prospect of herding them into a place of worship seems daunting to me and we stay home.  Other Sundays, I feel brave and ready to embrace whatever kayos the four of them can dish up.  Today was one of "those brave" Sundays.  Even though I was at church on time this morning, and prepared with bottles, snacks, polly pockets, and colors, NOTHING could have prepared me for my experience at our neighborhood church.    

Before I describe to you my experience at church this morning...here is a little background.  I was raised in church from the front row.  In fact...I was even born on a Sunday in a little town called Woodland in California.  My dad and mom were pastors at a small little Foursquare church.  What few memories I have are good memories. In fact, my parents were pastors for over 25 years.  When I thought of raising children in church, it was always a given that we would be going to my parent's church.  They would dedicate their grandbabies, my dad would baptize his grandkids...But...life has a way of changing your plans.  Cancer came and took my dad almost 13 years ago, and took my dreams and plans as well.  Their church is gone.  The entry front empty. 

Mark and I pressed on and became involved in another church.  He served on the church board for over 6 years and youth pastored for five years as a volunteer.  I served as a children's worker, and worship leader.  Since our youngest was born, we have taken a break from ministry to focus on our family.  So on those Sundays, the ones I find myself parenting solo and I feel brave enough to venture to church with four kids in tow, I often attend the church one block from our home. 

So...today I felt exceptionally brave.  I arrived a few minutes early and looked for a good seat.  Most of the time my kids can't see.  So we sat down in the front row way off to the left hand side (on the side of the stage).  The kids had a great view of the singers and instruments.  I got a sleepy baby out of his car seat.  My kids stood and sang and the baby was mesmerized by the giant screens.  About half way through the worship service, I was told that I couldn't sit in the front row with the baby because they are recording the service (with the 4 video cameras that they have).  I thought this woman was joking.  Nope. Serious.  My kids were quiet and well behaved, and the baby hadn't even made a peep. But I didn't argue, instead, I packed up my kids (car seat, diaper bag, purse, kids) and walked to the back section.  There wasn't enough seats to be found for my large brood.  So I decided to take the girls to their class.  They enjoy the music, so I let them stay in the main service for the songs.  I walked down the long staircase to their classroom to be greeted by a large sign posted across the door that read, "No children are excepted into class after 20 minutes of the start of service.  They need to remain with you."  I checked the clock on my phone.  It was 22 minutes after the start of service.  SERIOUSLY!!!  I had no idea!  So I walked back up the stairs and stood stupidly in the hallway.  I had no idea what to do.  I was ready to go home but I really wanted Luke to go to youth group.  He adores the youth group. 

A woman (I had never met before), saw me in the hall and asked if I was ok.  And the tears just came.  And.I.couldn't.stop.  I was doing the ugly cry in the middle of a tiny hallway at church.  Let's recall...I sat in the wrong spot, my girls couldn't attend class and I had no where to sit or go.  I felt like a fool in front of this woman.  After speaking to an usher, their solution for me was to go into the Mother's lounge where I could watch the service through the live feed on the TV.  Great.  Except for the part where my 13 year old son couldn't come in.  I arranged for him to sit in the main service next to the woman who asked if she could help me until it was time for his class to start.  I took the girls and baby into the mother's lounge, sat down in a rocking chair and cried and cried.  I even had my older daughter get me more tissue (twice). 

I started asking myself, "what happened to the American church?"  How can a church make me (ME) feel so unwelcome!  I've been going to church my whole life!  I get this church thing.   Or I thought I did.  It's not like I was a newbie.  I couldn't help but think of my dad.  He loved kids!  He didn't even mind crying babies in service.  He could preach right through.  Years ago I was a children's church pastor and I never turned away children!!!  I would go find them and invite the kids in the sanctuary to class.  The door was always open.  How did we get to this place?  When did church become more about recording the service, capturing the right shot, and less about people?  When did church become a performance or concert?  As I recall Jesus WELCOMED the little children to him.  He didn't turn them away because they were 22 minutes late to the start of class, or ask them to take the baby out of the front row! 

I drove away from church today feeling like I had done something wrong.  I told my oldest son that church shouldn't make you feel that way.  You shouldn't leave church feeling like you broke every rule, ruined the camera recording and failed to get your children to class on time.  I should have left church feeling encouraged, loved, challenged, inspired, uplifted, cared for, built up.  But all church did to me today was communicate I was unwelcome, my children unwelcome and I had broken the rule by not sitting in the appropriate section.  I was broken, hurt, upset, lonely, unvalued and shamed when I walked out of that church today.  It's pretty safe to say, I won't be going back.  What is happening to churches these days?  In the past, I've often wondered where all the people are that are our age.   After my experience this morning, it is less of mystery. 

"But Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children." And he placed his hands on their heads and blessed them before he left. ~ Matthew 19:14-15

   

Just Because....

My birthday present finally arrived in the mail this week...a new lens for my Nikon SLR.  I was so excited to finally put a quality lens on my camera and see what the difference in pictures would be. 

 My favorite subjects to take pictures of are of course my little family!  I LOVE, LOVE this one of Luke in the grass. 

 Miss B has a mind of her own and that holds true to playground equipment!  We took our first entire family bike ride to the kids school playground to play.  It was so much fun!

 Grace is my monkey bar queen!  She rocks the money bars, flipping and skipping and all things monkey bars.

 Bella's favorite game is to yell..."get me dada" and she takes off running....

And there he is...my best friend, whom I miss terribly when he is traveling.  I miss seeing him, talking with him, dating him, just being around him.  Sigh...I love him.alot.

Ohana

This is the view from my mom's lanai...sigh...it is perfect.  She has this adorable out door furniture with comfy pillows that is perfect for sitting and relaxing. 

Sunday evening we scattered my dad's ashes and it was perfect.  It was meaningful, beautiful and of course emotional.  The sun's rays kissed the water as my mom, brother and I sent him out into the waves of the ocean.  Most appropriate as it was his very FAVORITE spot.  We celebrated with a dinner at Lelani's.  Although, I missed most of it and my dinner had to be boxed because miss Isabella was not in a cooperative mood.  She actually ran a very high fever for the first 3 days we were here.  She finally has been fever free for the last 24 hours and back to her old self.  She even touched the ocean today without trantruming. 

The kids go 100 miles an hour until the crash.  Grace is trying to collect any and every flower that she comes across (which means we have so many brown withering flowers around our condo).  I know sooner dispose of the old ones and a whole new crop of flowers appears!  She is so happy to be wearing make-up (which consists of lip gloss and a little pink eye shadow).  Hawaii is the only place I allow make-up right now :) 

Well...I would love to post more pictures but the connection is soooo slow.  Many pictures when we get home.  Mark spent the morning snorkeling off Molokini on a cruise.  He LOVED it.  Well...off to dinner.  

Jet Setters

We made it!!! Currently, all 3 children are napping and I am sitting on the lanai with gecko's running underfoot, listening to the sound of tropical birds singing in the trees.  It is warm...83 degrees.  The smell of the nearby restaurant is wafting into the condo.  Fabulous.

It is weird to think that it is cold, and rainy and the holiday season is in full swing at home.  It is if we have been transported back to the lazy days of summer.  The sun sets at nearly 6pm and we are wearing shorts, tank tops and sun dresses.  My cheeks feel sun kissed and I spent nearly an hour snorkeling on the beach in front of our condo this morning.  I am bound and determined to see these turtles everyone talks about...but I haven't yet.  Lots of Dory and Nemo fish though :) 

Luke and Grace are fish...they would swim nearly non-stop if we let them.  The water is warm and it takes no time for your body to adjust to the temperature.  A little piece of heaven on earth.  Bella enjoys the beach as long as she has her aqua socks on so she can't feel the the sand, and she wants nothing to do with the big blue ocean. 

Family has been arriving and our group continues growing larger and larger and louder and louder (which most of it is Luke trying to be heard.)  It is so fun!

Tonight we are going to up to the Royal Lahina where we will spread my dads ashes.  I know it is going to be emotional for me so I am trying to prepare myself.  After that we are going out to dinner at Lalanis. 

Sorry I couldn't post more pictures but the connection is slow.  You can visit me on facebook and see more. 

Aloha!  Carissa

With a Heart of Thanksgiving...

A year has come and gone since these pictures were taken, and later this week the 5 of us will once again board a plane and fly 2500 miles to one of the most beautiful places in the world.  To say how THANKFUL I am for this opportunity AGAIN is an understatement.  I know I have done NOTHING to deserve to go again.  This is indeed a most extraordinary blessing, not only to share with our family of 5, but to share with our extended family of 18!...mimi and papa, uncle D and auntie Katie, my aunt's, uncle's and cousins and my sister-in-law's parents....I am truly BLESSED... My HEART is full of gratitude and thanksgiving during this time of year, for the blessings God has given to my family...

(Maui sunset)

This trip is a culmination of a year's worth of planning, organizing and dreaming.  It is a time to get together with those that we LOVE...it is a time to REMEMBER as we scatter my dad's ashes a long the shores of the Royal Lahina...it is a time to CELEBRATE life, joy and happiness...TOGETHER.     

(Luke (7) and Grace (5) last year at the Maui Ocean Center)

The kids will once again enjoy warm afternoon's swimming in the ocean, building sand castles or "making pies" as Grace and I did last year.  If a dip in the condo's pool is desired, it is only feet away from our patio.  Mark, Roger (my mom's husband) and Uncle D will be zipping down the lines of Haleakala through Skyline Eco Adventures.  Mark and Uncle D will be boarding a boat through Trilogy cruises and snorkeling one morning at the little island of Molokini.  I will be FRANTICALLY trying to keep up with the kids (ages 8, 6 and 1 years old) with my camera glued to me to try and capture each moment.  As the moments go to quickly and kids grow too fast....I got a new camera recently a Nikon digital SLR.  I am in LOVE!

(Beach in front of the condo...looking towards Wailea and the Grand Wailea).

I am thankful this year I will have the opportunity to have our laptop with us and I will be able to blog and share pictures as the trip happens.  I am very excited about that!

So my friends...we are mostly packed and ready...join us this next week via my blog to share this most magical and fun time as we discover Maui again in a new way...such as Bella trying to eat sand for the first time, Grace looking for coconuts every where we go, Luke eating 2nd breakfast at Mimi's condo, trying to find an excellent Hawaiian shave ice, watching my mom and Roger trying to BBQ on the beach...and more seriously to find closure and lay my dad to rest in a place he LOVED as much as me! 

See ya on the Islands...ALOHA!