Babies Don't Keep

Time has a way of marching on.  You can't stop it, contain it or add to it.  It just ticks silently by.  Somehow your three year old that you are just certain started preschool is now somehow in the 5th grade.  Growing taller, stronger and smarter with each passing day.  I told him before he went to his first day of 5th grade I was going to shrink him back down until he was three years old again.  He just laughs at me and says "mom...your so funny."  I smile back but the truth is I can't believe how fast time flies by.  I can't keep him little.

I am so proud about what Luke has accomplished.  He has defied the odds and this mama celebrates his life! So many days he is my hero.  I look at him and I feel his strength.  What a blessing he is.  I remind myself to hold on to every moment, every hug, every time he wants me to play with him, because I know there will come a time I will not be a preferred playmate.

Here is her sweetness on her first day of preschool.  Three years old and ready to conquer the world!  Oh how I lover her adorable cheeks and the fact she let me dress her and do her hair any way that I liked.  How is it possible she stands in front of the same door (same doormat and boots) and has grown up into a 3rd grader?  Be still my heart!!!

I'm so happy that she was excited for school this year.  She made me so proud on the first day the way she marched right into her classroom and embraced her new school.  The school she desired to go too.  What a perfect fit her sweet personality.  A small class of 17 kids and personal attention and connection to her teacher. I am excited for her school year and happy to be on this side of the valley we went through last year.

Oh how I long to hold that sweet little baby again!!! She was 5 days old in this picture.  Complete miracle and I am pinching myself because I still can't believe God allowed me to have her.  She has changed me for the better.  She has taught me so many lessons (as all my kids have).  Babies don't keep...her newborn smell faded, she learned to hold her head up, roll over, talk, crawl, walk.  So much in the first year. 

You blink and here is the same baby ready for her first day of preschool!  Where did the time go?  She did incredible on her first day.  Marched right into her classroom and talked to her teacher.  NO TEARS!  A year ago (heck three months ago) I didn't think preschool would be possible for Bella.  But here she is....making progress...ready to learn and spread her wings just a little more.  

I keep holding them tight because even though they will always be my babies...babies don't keep.

Father's Day Without My Dad...

 

 

Every June, when the Father's day cards fill the store shelves, like Target and Walmart and even Safeway, I purposefully find myself avoiding them.  I pick up the cards we need, but usually I use the kiddos as a buffer between me and the cards.  "Which one do you think grandpa will like?  What about daddy?" I find myself saying these things.  I try not to let my mind "go there" and remember that it is once again another father's day that I can't tell "mine" all the things I want to... or even just once more how much I loved him, appreciated him, and valued him. 

This year I found myself walking down the aisle of father's day cards by myself.  I was looking at all the titles and choices and decided that this year I was going to buy my father a card.  I stood there for a while trying to decide which would be the best for him, fully knowing I couldn't give it to him.  Yes, I stood there in the middle of Safeway with tears streaming down my cheeks thinking of another Father's Day without him.  Yep...I bought my father whose been dead for almost 10 years a father's day card filled it out and wrote his name across the top.  I have no grave to lay it at because his ashes are scattered off the shores of a Maui beach, so it is in my top drawer of my night stand where I keep some pictures of him. 

                                                                (Letting dad go...at sunset off the

                                                                  beach at the Royal Lahina).

 



I miss him. Almost 10 years ago, I said one final good-bye to my dad.  He hugged me at the bottom of the stairs, told me he loved me and kissed me on my cheek.  As he ascended the stair case, I watched unknowingly the last time I would ever see my dad. He was young, at the age of 52, still a lifetime to live, places to go, babies to hold...but it was not meant to be. 

I really miss what a good friend he was.  Not only to everyone he met, but to me and my brother David.  He always made time for us, loved to chat and talk to us on the phone and was always up for an adventure.  I loved that he appreciated our individual interests and supported us.  I know he would have done the same for his grandchildren.  I feel much of my grief is surrounded by the fact that my kiddos never knew him.  He had so much to offer and he gave to so many.  I know his legacy lives on in David and I. 

 

 

This year on Father's Day weekend, we were able to spend it with my family celebrating my grandfather's 80th birthday.  I was so happy to give my kids a family experience that reminded me of the ones that I had as child.  Aunts and uncles and cousins and grandma's and grandpa's.  It is truly a great legacy to have.  My only wish was that my father was there to share it too.  His shoes remain unfilled (as they will always be). 

 

 

                      (Papa and his great-grandkids at his 80th birthday)

 



So Happy Father's Day Dad!  Thank you for living an incredible life, for leaving a legacy and for loving me.  Thank you for loving people more than stuff, having a FAITH that was real, and encouraging me to follow the plan in life that God had for me.  I'm passing that on to my 3 babies here, while I know you are watching my 3 babies in heaven.  XOXO

 

Love,

Me

 



Track Meet Wrap Up

This afternoon, I had no idea how much emotion I was going to feel when we showed up for Luke's track meet.  Months earlier, Luke begged me to sign him up for track.  I admit I was nervous.  He hasn't participated in an after school sport before.  There is a process by which allowing him to participate in track requires that I have to "let go" and allow him to navigate the world without me.  I agreed to track and in turn allowed him the opportunity to grow. 

Participation in track would mean Luke would have to remember what days to not get on the bus to come home.  He would have to find his way to track practice and navigate where he could change into his track clothes.  Luke would have to keep track of his coat, backpack and lunch box on his own.  I realize that a lot of this should sound simple enough for a 10 year old, but for a kiddo with special needs it is a lot of change in routine and would require he pay attention to detail.  That left this mama biting her nails.   

Luke accomplished all of his goals for participating in track and I couldn't be more proud!  He attended all the practices and knew everything about what was expected of him at the meet.  He even selected the four events that he wanted to participate in (standing long jump, 400 meter relay, 100 meter dash and throwing the mini javelin).

He was even selected for the team tug-o-war competition.  Yes that is my son posing for the camera prior to the event!  LOVE HIM!  

The track meet was held at McKenzie Stadium.  It is a special place for me.  I watched many high school football games during my high school career. Also Mark and I graduated from High School together at that stadium in 1997.  I walked down the hill into the stands and the memories came flooding.  The sights, sounds and smells...all the same.  I had to fight back the tears.  It was weird and I didn't expect that reaction.  I decided to sit where my family sat when we graduated from high school.  It was close enough so I could watch Luke, but far enough away to let him be with the group.   

 

I watched Luke compete in his four events.  He finished 4th in the tug-o-war and last place in everything else.  One might think I would be sad he didn't do better, but it was quite the opposite.  I could careless what place he came in.  He did it!  LUKE.ACCOMPLISHED.SOMETHING.BIG!  He followed social rules, didn't argue, didn't become upset when he wasn't first.  He tried a new thing, he wasn't afraid!  Luke put his heart and soul into that track meet.  He was really slow, but it didn't matter.  As I watched him running his heart out during the relay on the opposite side of the track, I couldn't keep the tears from falling.  I learn so much from him.  He taught me that you can't let your fear hold you back from trying new things.  He is my HERO!

I was talking with my mom a bit while waiting for Luke to compete in his different events.  I told her this was so weird to be at McKenzie Stadium with my own children.  It wasn't that long ago I was their and she was the parent.  Mom reminded me that time keeps marching on.  It does.  I'm 34 years old now.  My kids are experiencing things that I have connections to.  I can't help thinking maybe this is part of our legacy to them.  Putting down roots in the same place we had roots.  So many memories for me, now are becoming memories for them.  Time marches on.  I wouldn't doubt that someday I will sit in the same place my parents did and watch them graduate from the same stage.  And now I am doing the big ugly mama cry.  Because I don't want to let go.  I don't want them to experience failure or hurt or pain.  But I know I have too.  I don't want to.  But I need to let them take more risks and reap the benefits of success or learn from the lessons of failure.   

It's true...Luke amazes me.  His tenacity of purpose, his zest for life, his internal joy that spills out to EVERYONE he crosses paths with.  What a gift he is!  What a blessing!

 

And just for kicks...this is the way Miss B was the ENTIRE track meet.  She HATED the loud sounds and air horns.  I got some awfully nice stares from the older couple in front of us regarding her crying...whatever...I was there to cheer on my son! 

 

So today Luke...I celebrate you and your accomplishments!  Thank you for pushing mommy to do track, because I learned a lot of important lessons.  I am SO proud of you! Till next year...when I have two of them in track!  Grace has already announced she will be running next year!  You go girl!  Mama will be there cheering you on too! 

Funny Faces

Dear Miss B,

Seriously...how can you be this grown up already?  Sheesh...when did you turn 3 really? Your a little lady and a delight!  Weren't you just born?  How fast does time really go?  I am desperate to at least slow it down a little.  Please???  

You make me laugh ALL.THE.TIME!  Such as in the below photographs.  What's up with all your silly faces?

I love the scrunched up look!  You're adorable!

This look is priceless!!!  "Seriously...you want to take a picture of me, I can't be bothered right now."  

Love you Miss B!

Your adoring Mama (who turned 34 years old today)!

So my fellow friends....how does one make time slow down?  Or how do you record your memories?

Dear Mom...

Dear Mom...Where does one even start?  How can you sum up an entire life's sacrifice, love and care? Surely you cannot express it all in a card, a meal or a gift.  No amount of "thank you" will fully capture what it means to give of yourself sacrificially to little ones, who turn into teenagers, who turn into adults, who then have little ones of their own.  But...on this day of which we express our gratitude, love and thanks for mothers I will try and capture what "mom" means to me.

Dear Mom...this year has been an awesome one.  We have been blessed to experience some incredible fun things together as mother and daughter.  Things that we only once talked and dreamed about. For me, the highlight really was our trip to Hawaii!  Gone in a minute...but the memories will last forever.  You always are a great support and help, but this year you have really been there for me in more ways than just "watching the kids," (which you have done many times and I am very thankful).  But other things come to mind, like picking me up (so to speak) in February and helping me think clearly. For doing ALL my laundry at the laundromat and getting hit on by the weird guy who wanted to know if you were available?  Love it!  For moving back to Vancouver to be closer...for all the little things (they don't go unnoticed).  For talking and praying with me through the skin cancer scare, and celebrating when we got the "good news". 

Dear Mom...thank you for always being my sounding board and my supporter.  I need a sounding board to work out this little thing called LIFE!  Thank you for loving my little munchkins.

Mother's day will ALWAYS remain a bittersweet day for me. Joy and pain, life and death, happiness and grief.  There is not one without the other in this day.  It is impossible to erase so many years of pain and longing to be a mother.  Last year I wrote about my pain surrounding Mother's Day, you can read about it here .

Mother's day is also a reminder of the three babies that I lost.  A reminder of the mother I will never get to be to them.  Whose faces I have never seen, whose scent I have never smelled, whose perfect baby bodies I have never rocked.  All of those firsts (smiling, rolling over, giggling, crawling, first steps, first foods, first everything) will remain a scar over my worn heart.     

Mother's day is also about redemption.  In the midst of my grief, God was weaving together all of our lives, a story, a family.  Luke and Grace were chosen in a divine nature to be a part of our family. Through my grief and tragedy, through their pain and loss, HE took brokenness and stitched us back together in a new and different way.  Through adoption, I was redeemed from "barren" to "mother", they were redeemed from "orphan" to "son" and "daughter".  A type of holy exchange that, I, in my humanness could never accomplish.      

Children born to another woman call me “Mom.” The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me. ~Jody Landers

Mother's day is also about the miracle.  This spirited, blond haired, blue eyed, smarty pants, Nyhoff clone, 3 year old with a sense of humor and personality plus.  My living, breathing, everyday miracle!  I believe all my kids to be a miracle, but this is the baby the doctor said would never be, the baby the doctor told me wouldn't survive so "why prolong the inevitable" (meaning miscarriage).  I have never prayed so hard for something than I did that first 12 weeks of her pregnancy.  At the end of the 12 weeks the doctor declared from his mouth my baby "was a miracle!"   I claimed it and didn't look back.  A continuous reminder that NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE!

For me, becoming a mother was very difficult.  My road down life's journey being a mother is marked with what I can imagine most mother's lives are marked with: difficultly, happiness, joy, worry, grief, hope, incredible love.  The "official" moment I became a mother was not in hospital after 16 hours of labor.  It came in 2nd floor court room on Franklin Street, surrounded by friends and family.  It came after an 18 month long labor of fighting for him, jumping through hoops, visitation and welcoming DCFS into our home.  I became a mother next to a lawyer and in front of judge (not a doctor).  Yet...the finality of what occurred in the court room was no different from the outcome of a hospital room.  "Do you promise to care for Luke as if he was born to you?" the judge asked us both.  "Yes and yes!"  He signed the court papers.  BOOM.  I was a mom!

Two Mother's Days later, same floor, another courtroom, more promises made before lawyers, judges and the such.  More papers signed...Mom again.  This time to miss Grace. 

My hospital initiation into motherhood finally came.  An unbelievable experience that I will never forget.  It forever changed how I view so many things.  It healed some areas of my life and intensified the sorrow in others. 

Being "mom" to these 3 blessings, is an undertaking that I take extremely seriously.  I won't lie...it is difficult, but it is also rewarding.  Each with their own set of special needs, each with their own strengths and weaknesses, their own dreams and hopes.  My job to train, to guide, to give them every opportunity possible to succeed in this crazy life. 

Some weeks I feel like I am just "holding on" for the ride.  Between therapies, medical appointments and making sure they each get what they need I am exhausted!  It leaves little time for much anything else, but it is a privilege to serve, give and pour myself into them. 

On days I feel down, I consider the alternative.  The life they could be living if I weren't their mom.  The life they were born in to (poverty, homelessness, addiction, hunger, neglect).  I am privileged to be their mom, blessed to help them become who they are going to be.  Wiping the tears, wiping the hands, wiping down the dirt that they accumulate in the world.  Building their character, building their faith, building their confidence, building them up.  Job of mom. 

Many think I am amazing to do what I do.  I don't consider myself to be anything amazing.  I do what I do because I am mom.  I do what I do because I have an amazing support system, cheering section and encouragers.  They got my back!  I am so thankful for these two ladies in the below picture.  They lift me up, they can speak truth and know what I need when I need it! 

My babies, my blessings.  Mom and children with a beautiful story of pain to redemption, grief to restoration ,being woven together in story that was created for us.  

My aunt sent me this great link today and I thought I would join the encouragement of the many ways we can become mom. :) 


Encouragement and blessings!
~Carissa 



What the World Needs...

...LESS worry about health care product safety....and MORE babies shampooing with cereal and applesauce...

Girls Room Budget Makeover

(Before)  Misc. pictures, clutter in shelf and on dresser.

(After) I bought the photo frames at IKEA (9.99 each) and each girl has 3 of their own pictures in them.  I purchased the wooden letters to their names at Jo Ann's with coupons (under 10 dollars).  My sister-in-law gave me ribbon so that was free.  I staple gunned the ribbon to the back of the letters and then hung them up under their pictures.  I purchased two white shelves at IKEA (9.99) each and Mark hung them up for me.  I put cute decor that we already had on each shelf.  I cleaned out the shelf and the dresser.  Grace got a new comforter given to her by my cousin Shauna and the cute fairy pictures also came from my cousin.  Bella's purple bedding set I purchased at Target on clearance for 14.99.  It will also work when she transitions to a toddler bed. 

(Before)

(After).  Not much change, but I did hang up my favorite clock, clean out the bins, organize the green cart and move the baby monitor.  I also took down some wall stickies from over the door way.

(Before)

(After) This just shows a better view of the girls names and pictures.  I reduced down to one lamp and sadly packed my classic Winnie the pooh lamp away. Sniff, sniff.  I reduced the clutter and I am happy with how the names and pictures turned out.  I would like to add some vinyl when I get a chance to visit with my sister in law.  That will be the finishing touch I think.

(Before) The curtains matched but really gave the room a dark feeling.

(After)  I purchased these curtains at IKEA (14.99) and I LOVE the way they make the room feel.  It feels airy and light and more open.  You can see both the fairy pictures in this picture (thanks again Shauna).  I also purchased a butterfly curtain rod (white) to hang these adorable curtains on. I got it at Target (17.99).  I decluttered the shelf unit and I am quite happy with the way the room feels.  I purchased some butterflies at the dollar store I would like to use as accents on the curtains and wall.  Aside from the vinyl touches, I am finished with the room.  Grace especially LOVES it!  So for about 80 dollars the room got a face lift, and really good cleaning :)

Where did the 18 months go?

Miss Isabella Mary-Ann is 18 months today.  Makes me feel like crying :( Seriously, it seems like just yesterday she was born.  Sometimes I look back or I look at her and doesn't seem real that it really happened...that I REALLY had a baby!  What an incredible miracle she is.  She continues to challenge me in so many ways.  You think, since she is baby number 14 for me (yes...we have had 13 foster kids all aged 3 and under come through our home since 2004) that I would have it all figured out.  NOPE...not even close :)  Currently we are dealing with seperation anxiety (well she hasn't wanted to seperate from me since she was born).  She cries if someone looks at her wrong and she won't willingly go to a grandma (which really is difficult for me).  Despite that I am still leaving her once a week, and she is dealing with it ok.  She cries for 10 to 20 minutes and then she stops.  Her new favorite trick is screaming at the top of her lungs until someone gives her her way.  I find it difficult not to laugh at her, because she is so darn cute!  Not the best parenting technique.  I remember how hyper vigilant I was with Luke (him being my first) now I find myself laughing more and letting more things go (like yogurt messes because I am fostering her independence with the spoon, or letting her color with markers). 

So without further ado....here are her favorite things at 18 months:

Favorite words: Mama or MAAAA, dada, mimi, papa, g-g (grace), lu-lu (luke) baba (all the time), uh-oh, baby, ooooo (followed by) wow, meow, up, hot, please, (she makes the sound for dog), she signs "more" but it really can mean so many things like "please."  She also signs "water" which is kind of a game because you have to figure out if she wants to drink water, she hears water or she sees water.  She will sign the same for all 3.  Too funny.

Favorite Show: Still Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  I am trying to introduce her to some classics like Beverly Hills 90210, The Waltons, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, oh and we have watched the classic movie "Clueless" at least 3 times. 

Favorite Song: "If your happy and you know it," Patty-cake

Favorite Sporting Activity: Swimming lessons (although it is joke). Bella has a mind of her own...so Bella decides what she is learning in swimming lessons.  :)  Also riding around the track in the gym while mom works out.  She loves entertaining the grandmas and grandpas at the gym. 

Sleeping Patterns:  She sleeps around 11 hours at night and takes a 2 hour nap during the day.

Favorite Article of Clothing: Her shoes and any type of purse!  She is my girl!

Favorite Food:  The girl loves her some chocolate!  Again..like mama.

Not sure how much she weighs and how long she is.  Going to have her well child check soon.  So very grateful for Isabella and the joy that she is to our family and the wonderful blessing she is from God.