Depraved Indifference

This is my heart...

Living a FAITH that Bleeds...

I promise I will post all about our trip to Hawaii with pictures soon...but tonight I have so much weighing on my heart I wanted to focus on this...

I have been struggling lately with life in general. I have had my bout with postpartum issues, been learning to juggling parenting 3 children, adjusting to a job change. At first I thought things were just randomly happening, but now I am able to sit back and see that even amidst the kayos God is moving, in me, through me and is positioning me to where HE wants me next. For the last several months I have thought that there is NO way that God would want to use broken, hopeless, jumbled up me. BUT He has been speaking to my heart, and His PEACE has covered me.

I guess my faith has been challenged since Mark brought home the 30 hour Famine box. A box I pass by and look at daily. I have yet to open it. Because...I KNOW what awaits me. Every year I organize the famine for our youth group. It is something I feel called to do. So when the box arrived it sparked something in me that is difficult to describe. I KNOW that in that box there is information that I don't want to read. That I don't want to know exists. In the box is a tangible reminder of children dying daily of preventable causes like hunger, dehydration, and disease. In America....the land of opportunity, plenty and everything else we can imagine...we can pretend that those children don't exist. We can try and justify the reasons that we don't need to, or can't be bothered with it...The TRUTH is that those children DO exist and whether or not I see them or don't see them....they ARE there. Waiting... Waiting for me to act.

There was a time that I operated daily in FAITH. I had doors swung wide open to me and was reaching the least of these on a weekly basis. I marvel at how natural and rewarding it was and how BIG my faith was. I see now that I have put God in a box and have focused entirely on myself. I have tried to put limits on myself with how useful I can be for God. I have looked at the picture in the wrong way. He wants more than just a sliver of my heart...HE has given ME (us) everything...HE also requires everything in return (not just what I feel like). Either GOD is Holy and good or HE is not. Either we TRUST Him with everything or we don't TRUST Him at all. Either the Bible is true or it is not. Their is NO room for mediocrity.

I am not certain what God has in store for me. In the last 8 months I have been through major changes. I have had a baby, quit my job, recovered from postpartum issues, traveled, and now I am going to be homeschooling our children. Homeschooling was not just a "good idea" for our family...although it is...it has come as CALLING from God. I never imagined myself a homeschooling mom...but GOD did. As time goes on I feel as though HE begins to peel back layer by layer revealing His plan. It might be difficult and hard sometimes. It might require risk. He might be asking me to dig deeper and trust Him through things I would rather avoid. It might mean embracing the least of these...denying myself certain things or making changes. ONE thing I know is that I will say YES to God....whatever the cost....whatever it takes.

Our Little Pumpkin

Don't you want to just squeeze her?

We all adore her. She is miss personality.

Miss Isabella Mary-Ann @ 7 months old!

We took a family trip to the pumpkin patch on Sauvie Island earlier this month. I love this picture. We hadn't been to Sauvie Island in several years. The kids had a great time. Mark and I were exhausted by the time the day was over...and I was covered in hot chocolate. Tried to be a good mom and buy the kids hot cocoa. Luke spilled his cup in the first 3 minutes he had it. Needless to say I was burnt and sticky. But despite the spill everyone enjoyed themselves and the hayride was a big hit.

Miss Isabella all decked out for fall.

Daddy and Bella

Needless to say she has outgrown the bouncy seat!

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Bella

Happy Fall & Catch Up

I have been a horrible blogger as of lately. Life is just speeding by at full force. By the time I get the kids in bed, call my mom and pick up a few toys...I am wiped out. But here we go on a quick catch up of everything we have been up to...

In the middle of September we took a vacation to Southern California to my brother's wedding. We had the greatest time! The kids were awesome travelers, we did a bazillion things, and went to Disneyland.

Luke fighting Darth Vader at Disneyland

Grace's dream came true when she met Princess Belle...(look at her smile).

Our Family at the Wedding. Mark's parents were so great to plan their vacation around my brother's wedding. Mark's mom helped keep Bella so I could enjoy my brother's wedding.

Uncle D and Bella meeting at last.

The kids getting ready for their first airplane ride.

After the we came back I began teaching computers and music at the kids' school. I have been feeling better these days and I really needed that time away.

Where have I been...?

I realize that it has been quite awhile since I last posted....and I had promised before that I would post about my recovery from the c-section. So, where have I been....? One simple word "surviving." My battle with the sinus/ear infection was I suppose just a virus, I never responded to 2 different types of antibiotics. I guess at nearly 5 months later...I am still recovering from having Isabella. You see...I never thought it could happen to me. I never thought that it would effect me....In all honesty I thought it was just for "other" moms. Not moms who wait for 7 years to give birth to a child. But it has happened to me and I refuse to be embarrassed or hide. I have postpartum issues. It began about 4 months to the day of giving birth and I am still fighting and trudging my way through all of these new feelings, emotions and issues. I am told that my intense pregnancy coupled with a surgical delivery and my history contributed to my struggles. Also the fact that I haven't slept well in 5 months hasn't helped. I am now on a quest to find wholeness and peace as the anxiety is debilitating at times....but I am not giving up and I am not giving in. I keep reminding myself that God is in control, that sometimes He allows things to happen to us and that all things work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose. You see...I have had to make some changes in my life and I am trusting God fill in the gaps and the parts that I do not know or understand. The biggest change is I had to let my job go. It was a huge source of anxiety and stress for me. I need to focus on my children, and myself and getting well. But God has opened another door for me. I am going to teach computer class at the kids' school 2 afternoons a week. I have also been offered to teach one music class at the kids' school too. I am still praying about that.

I can look back and see the warning signs...I can see the things I should have done different. I shouldn't have tried to been "super mom". I should have asked for more help...I should have not expected perfection from myself. So...now I have to change. I am asking for help. I am realizing I need others and help and I have to reach out. I am trying to be transparent and honest with something for which I am struggling. I am learning to let go. I would sure appreciate your prayers during this time.

More Video For Auntie Katie...

We miss and love you auntie Katie....counting down the days to our big airplane ride to come and see you!!!!

(Don't forget to pause my music player at the bottom first.)

More Video For Auntie Katie...

We miss and love you auntie Katie....counting down the days to our big airplane ride to come and see you!!!!

(Don't forget to pause my music player at the bottom first.)

A Rough Day...

I should be in bed, or cleaning the kitchen, or folding laundry, but I just wanted to take this time for me. Today has been a rough one. Normally I don't speak much of the rough days, but I thought I would share. I haven't been feeling good for the last couple of weeks. I kept excusing it for allergies. However, finally the searing pain in my left ear could be ignored no longer. Off to the doctor's I went. Turns out I have a horrible sinus infection, ear infection and fluid in both of my ears. My eyes, sinus and head hurt. All I wanted to do was sleep...but a role as a mother must be carried out sick or not. I must admit I wasn't a good mom today. I was short tempered and had low patience. I am sorry to my kids. Although, they were grumpy and the little one is teething. Can't a girl catch a break? Apparently not today. I felt like throwing a toddler fit when I realized that we would be a making a trip to Target to buy more formula. Yippee. Great...isles and isles of "can I get this?" and "can I get that?" We survived. I came home and threw the 2 older ones out in the pool and the baby swung in her swing. I managed to make a measly dinner of hot dogs and chips. But the kiddos did get a shower and a snack. They are all sleeping now, so I must go and join them. Even on my worst day, I am thankful for the blessings that they are. How can you not look at them and be happy. Here's to hoping those antibiotics kick in quickly!

My Journey from Disposables To Cloth....Diapers

Ok...I must admit, I am the last person that I ever thought in a million years that would be writing this post. I have never even entertained the idea of cloth diapers until a month ago. My images prior to a month ago of cloth diapers includes diaper pins and "dunking" diapers in the toilet. Both things I would never, ever, want to do. I don't know if it has been the change in our food choices, being more conscious about chemicals, food additives, organic meats or just searching out the truth behind "how are we living?" "what are we eating?" "where do things come from?" or just asking the really difficult questions that I have never even thought of nor cared about before. But....something sparked my interest a month ago and I have been researching the vast world of cloth diapering. I have learned so much, but some of the main interesting facts that I have taken with me include: it takes approximately 500 years for a disposable diaper to break down in a landfill, over the course of diapering Isabella (from infancy to potty training) we will easily go through 6500 to 7000 diapers, we can save thousands of dollars by using cloth diapers, it is so much better for her skin, and the most surprising one is that the world of cloth diapering has changed so dramatically that the images I have had of it don't even exist anymore.

We haven't officially switched over yet. I thought I could share my journey thus far and update as time goes by. The first steps have been the massive amounts of research I have done and deciding which cloth diapering system I want to use. Yes...they have many different types, prefolds with covers, fitted diapers with covers, pocket diapers (these have inserts), all-in-one diapers a.k.a.(AIO's)...then you have all the different accessories depending on which system you use. They have things called "Snappies" that clip onto the diapers in place of diaper pins, although most all the systems don't even require pins or "snappies". Probably the most important piece of cloth diapering is how do you launder them. It is surprisingly easier than I imagined. There are no pails of soaking water or solution....from everything I have found out you wash diapers every other day. After you change the baby, you store diapers in a "dry" pail or special bag. If they are soiled you dispose of the waste in the toilet. There are tools to help this process be a clean one. You can use flushable liners that help contain the solids or a spray tool that attaches to your toilet. Apparently even with disposable diapers you are suppose to dispose of the waste in the toilet. You set your washer to run a rinse cycle using cold (with no special detergent or anything). Then you add 1/4 of your regular use of detergent and run a hot/cold cycle sometimes with an extra rinse. Dry in the dryer or hang in the sun. Done.

My next step in the process is to locate a store in the area and go in an continue to ask my questions and physically feel and look at the diapers. Oh..I decided to go with fitted diapers with covers and some pocket diapers. It is very common to mix and match what type of diaper you want to use. So here I go...into an unfamiliar world...but it feels good...it feels right...and I am anticipating continuing to expand my resources help better our family both financially and health wise.

Bella...Meet Bryson

Bella had the opportunity to meet her long awaited Bryson. Our good friends, Jordan and Sarah, had Bryson 2 weeks ago. Mark and Jordan have been joking, quite seriously I might add, that Bryson and Bella were going to have an arranged marriage :) It was a special moment last week when we finally put the babies side by side after so many months of praying for each other. God is so wonderful and faithful and we are all thankful for His great blessings in these babies. Oh the plans that God must have for these little ones.

Bryson 2 weeks, Bella 3 1/2 months

"Why won't he hold my hand mom?"

Sweet Bryson...look at all that hair!

Bella enjoying Uncle Jordan and Auntie Sarah. Bella thought Uncle Jordan was just so funny and was laughing at him :)