I have been struggling lately with life in general. I have had my bout with postpartum issues, been learning to juggling parenting 3 children, adjusting to a job change. At first I thought things were just randomly happening, but now I am able to sit back and see that even amidst the kayos God is moving, in me, through me and is positioning me to where HE wants me next. For the last several months I have thought that there is NO way that God would want to use broken, hopeless, jumbled up me. BUT He has been speaking to my heart, and His PEACE has covered me.
I guess my faith has been challenged since Mark brought home the 30 hour Famine box. A box I pass by and look at daily. I have yet to open it. Because...I KNOW what awaits me. Every year I organize the famine for our youth group. It is something I feel called to do. So when the box arrived it sparked something in me that is difficult to describe. I KNOW that in that box there is information that I don't want to read. That I don't want to know exists. In the box is a tangible reminder of children dying daily of preventable causes like hunger, dehydration, and disease. In America....the land of opportunity, plenty and everything else we can imagine...we can pretend that those children don't exist. We can try and justify the reasons that we don't need to, or can't be bothered with it...The TRUTH is that those children DO exist and whether or not I see them or don't see them....they ARE there. Waiting... Waiting for me to act.
There was a time that I operated daily in FAITH. I had doors swung wide open to me and was reaching the least of these on a weekly basis. I marvel at how natural and rewarding it was and how BIG my faith was. I see now that I have put God in a box and have focused entirely on myself. I have tried to put limits on myself with how useful I can be for God. I have looked at the picture in the wrong way. He wants more than just a sliver of my heart...HE has given ME (us) everything...HE also requires everything in return (not just what I feel like). Either GOD is Holy and good or HE is not. Either we TRUST Him with everything or we don't TRUST Him at all. Either the Bible is true or it is not. Their is NO room for mediocrity.
I am not certain what God has in store for me. In the last 8 months I have been through major changes. I have had a baby, quit my job, recovered from postpartum issues, traveled, and now I am going to be homeschooling our children. Homeschooling was not just a "good idea" for our family...although it is...it has come as CALLING from God. I never imagined myself a homeschooling mom...but GOD did. As time goes on I feel as though HE begins to peel back layer by layer revealing His plan. It might be difficult and hard sometimes. It might require risk. He might be asking me to dig deeper and trust Him through things I would rather avoid. It might mean embracing the least of these...denying myself certain things or making changes. ONE thing I know is that I will say YES to God....whatever the cost....whatever it takes.
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