"Titles"

I have to admit...I am struggling a bit.  I know mostly I write about the kids (or in particular Luke), but today my mind has been consumed by me (selfish I know).  Not consumed by what can I buy for myself, or time by myself, but really wondering what am I supposed to be doing?  I know it sounds like a silly question...duh..your a wife and mom...etc...etc... But what am I suppose to be doing for this next school year?  My mind works in teacher years (so this fall will be the beginning of a new year).  I DON'T have a class or a classroom for the fall. I don't even have any prospects.  I have been trying, and even went on a disastrous interview, but let's be honest...there isn't much out there right now.  Then I start to think....should I even have a classroom next year?  What is it that I should be doing this next school year? Usually nearing the beginning of fall I know exactly the path I am going down....

for awhile it was teacher....

or foster mom....or foster parent mentor...



then it was teacher again...

last year surivival mode....but what about this year?

I am struggling to find what I am supposed to be doing.  Sometimes I feel a lot of pressure to use my education since I worked so long and hard for it.  It is true...I feel a lot of pressure to teach...but maybe it isn't the season for teaching.  I had thought I was going to home school the kids, but that wasn't the right decision either for this year.  Maybe I am just looking too hard.  Maybe right now I just need to invest in my kids and let go of my other titles (which I have to admit is difficult for me).  I think (and I am just being honest here) that I find a lot of my self-worth in my titles, and when I don't have a title..ahhhmmm (like "teacher") I am not really sure what to do with myself.  I know that God is trying to teach me something in all this.  I know that I should look to HIM for my value and not find value based on what "title" I have.  But I have to admit...that is difficult for me.  I am not really a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of girl.  I like to know the plan...I NEED to know the plan.

But somewhere I keep hearing "maybe this is the season for not having a plan."  Yep...surrendering to the unknown and having FAITH that God, who sees the whole picture, will direct my path.  My dad used to preach an illustrated message about how we only see a very limited view of our lives and how God has the view of the entire picture.  That sort of reminds me of what I am feeling now.

Oh...how I MISS my dad.  Church has never been the same without him.  Sunday's continue to be the most difficult day of the week for me.  How do you change something that you did for 22 years of your life.  I admit it has been a struggle.  Sometimes during worship time in church currently, we will sing a song that my dad sang all those years leading worship, and I close my eyes and just listen.  And in my mind I can picture my dad in his gray suit playing his guitar.  I miss the simplicity of how he ran church.  He had such a love for people for his family....

Anyway... Psalms 46:10 says "Be still and know that I am God."  And while I am in the midst of figuring out what path I should be going down, I will pray for direction and that I will find my value based on who I am rather than "my title".  I think more than anything else...I just want to use my time doing something that matters.  There are so many people doing incredible things in service to others...like my cousin Shauna who started "Pantry Packs" to feed students in the school she works out over the weekends.  How simple and important is that?  She saw a need and she did something about it.  I am inspired.  Or others that advocate for Orphans and Widows or others that advocate for children in Foster Care..etc.  I just want to do something that changes the world.      

Our Magical Miracle Trip

In late June, our family took a magical, miracle trip to the Happiest Place On Earth!  Disneyland is always magical (no matter your age), and this trip was a MIRACLE, because some incredible, generous people decided to give the entire trip to our FAMILY as a GIFT!  They wanted Luke to see Disneyland NOW, and they wanted our family to have a much needed break.  So, we packed up the kids and headed on down to Anaheim via the Long Beach Airport courtesy of Jet Blue Airways!  This post is packed with pictures :) Enjoy

 Mark and Bella waiting at the gate C6 for our plane to arrive.  She was the busy toddler this trip, and I could tell that the others waiting at the gate were hoping they were not going to sit next to us!

Luke and Grace waiting for our plane.  It was late, but that didn't stop the pilot from making up the time in the air.  We flew 600 miles per hour to make it only 15 minutes late.

 Luke and Bella cruising at 39,000 feet.  I must say I am one BLESSED mama to have such incredibly good traveling children.  Bella may have been a bit loud at the terminal but she was an angel in flight.

Here is how dad enjoyed the flight (with ear phones and the next row over).  I on the other hand was in the middle with Grace on one side, Luke on the other and Bella on my lap.  I LOVE how serious Grace looks watching her TV.  Such the seasoned traveler.

Our airplane.

Our sweet little Long Beach Airport.  Seriously...if you are considering going to LA try Long Beach.  It is little and easy and Jet Blue flies in directly.

Our FAVORITE lunch spot IN N OUT burger.  YUMMY!  Uncle D even met us for lunch too.  Part of going down to Anaheim was to visit David and Katie (my brother and sister in law).  They were so incredible by keeping up with us at Disneyland and blessing our entire family with love and lots of fun stuff.  We love you guys!

Swimming was another highlight of our trip.  My kids are to the age where they really love to swim and Miss Bella was no exception.  She LOVED her some swimming time!

 Our hotel...the Sheraton Park Hotel.  

 Dinner at our favorite restaurant DUKE's (Huntington Beach).

 The Happiest Place on Earth!

 Alice and Wonderland!

 Dumbo with Daddy!

 Miss B and mommy.

 Rockin the 3-D glasses at California Adventure!

 This little girl waited sooooo long for this NEW Ariel ride.  She was THRILLED to ride it twice.  It was a cross between Haunted Mansion (you ride in a clam shell that resembles the chair in haunted mansion) and its a Small World because of the music.

 Our family of 5...notice Bella's missing shoe :)

 Miss B!!!

 The three amigos.  

 The train.

 Grace got her face painted at the Princess Fantasy Fair.  WOW!  This was the best thing you could have done for her.  She LOVED it!

Even better was dancing with the REAL Sleeping Beauty during the show!  She could barely move because she was so in awe of Sleeping Beauty.  It was the cutest thing.

Aunt Katie gave the kids this incredible "Very Merry Unbirthday Party". She took the kids to Chuck E Cheese followed by a birthday party at their place.  She even got each of the kids their own birthday cake.  WE were ALL incredibly BLESSED!

 Bella's Cake

 Luke's Cake

 Grace's Cake

Checking out their place!

Here is Uncle D and Aunt Katie...thank you again for everything you did for us.  We felt sooo LOVED.  We miss you guys so much.

And to the people who gave us this incredible GIFT, I pray that God blesses you for your generous, kindness an selflessness.  Thank you for the MEMORIES and for the OPPORTUNITY to give Luke this experience right NOW.  I am so thankful more than I can express in words.

Our Comical Day!

Seriously....I should have stayed in bed this morning!!!! Do you ever have one of those days where everything goes wrong?  Where you feel the universe is just trying to test your patience to see if you will break?  WELL....today I had ONE of those DAYS!

It started out ok.  Kids were arguing with each other about something of little importance (like who looked at who the WRONG way) or (so-in-so touched my baby toe, etc.) Yes... real earth shattering stuff, but normal for our home.

In an attempt to help Miss B find a milk product that doesn't make her sick, I have tried many different milk products.  She has had a difficult time adjusting to whole milk.  Well...I guess "difficult" would be the wrong word since she has "not" adjusted yet.  We (or should I say "I") have been dealing with Miss B's stomach issues when it comes to milk.  I had no sooner gotten out of the shower and put on fresh clothes from the dryer when...yes..you can guess it...she promptly threw-up all over me (somehow missing herself completely)..talent that girl has :)  So... she shall remain on toddler formula since it is the only thing that is not making her sick.

While somehow managing to grab a towel while holding a baby and trying to save the carpet from demise, Grace walks through the front door (the older 2 were out helping daddy) and announces "I have cat poop on my leg."  FAB-U-LOUS.  I am screaming for Mark who is happily working out in the garage.  The combination of the vomit and the cat poop is almost enough to send me over the edge.  When I mange to hobble over to inspect Grace she not only has cat poop on her leg, but also on her dress, shoes and now the floor.  Again FABULOUS! What is one to do?  Unable to throw in the towel (because it was covered with vomit) I did what any good mom would do...set the screaming baby in the pack-in-play, quickly change my clothes in the laundry room and disinfect the 6 year old.  Then clean and disinfect the floor.  And yes...we don't have cats.  Doesn't seem quite fair?

The day continues...baby naps, kids eat lunch and fight over who gets the blue spoon (normal).  Daddy goes off to work.  He is gone 5 minutes before I hear the words that no mother ever wants to hear when daddy is not at home, "Mom...the bathroom floor is wet...there is water all over the floor."  WHAT? I scream.  Yes water shooting out of the top of the toilet.  FABULOUS.  I call Mr. Dahl at work and explain the situation in hysterics.  "There is water shooting out of the top part of the toilet".  His advice...put a "Do Not Use" sign on the toilet.  What?  That is it?  No help?  He says he will fix it when he comes home and instructs me how to turn off the water to the toilet.  Great.  I clean up 3 towels full of water off the floor and instruct the children to  "Do Not Use" the toilet.  :)

I announce to the kids we are getting out of the house...going somewhere, anywhere to see what is going on in the world outside our doors.  We load up in the van and 5 minutes into a trip to the park 2 of my 3 children are sleeping.  Great!  We return home.  I make dinner, put kids to bed, and promptly CALL MY MOM!

The "STAR WARS" Room

My sister-in-law Jenn, featured Luke's new STAR WARS room in her blog "All Dahled Up".  You should go and check it out.  She helped me come up with some great ideas and helped create all the neat vinyl lettering, characters and the piggy bank.  He LOVES it!!!  It still is a work in progress.  I need to sew or find some Star Wars curtains and Luke has already informed me of what "characters" we are missing :)  I also would like to get some glow in the dark stars for the ceiling.  Thanks Jenn for making my boy happy!

Losing Sight

Sometimes...the routine of the day is exhausting.  There is never a dull moment with the crew I have.  Everything I thought I knew about parenting before we adopted became useless when we welcomed the kids home.  Luke has challenged me in so many ways, and it is because of his challenges that he has caused me to grow up, to be more, to do more, to push myself harder and farther than I would have.

I thought I had already gone through so much with Luke before the beginning of 2011.  There have been the ear tubes and adenoid surgery times 3, heart surgery, more therapies that I can remember at 4 different therapy centers, ADHD, micocephaly and sensory processing disorder.  He was on IEP and I thought I had been doing a pretty good job advocating for him.  Then came the challenge from the Lord.  To really get to the heart of the issues.  To dive into and really explore the issues that Luke was having.  That led to a diagnosis of Tourette's in January, Glaucoma in February, a new IEP in April, and Auditory Processing Disorder in May.  By the time school got out, I was EXHAUSTED.  I felt like I was just bracing myself to keep upright.  "Was this it?"  NOPE...Luke's glaucoma doctor was concerned by the amount of vision loss there was and sent us to another specialist.  A traumatizing test for Luke, and finally we have settled into a routine of therapy on Tuesdays and iLs therapy during the week at home.

Sometimes after a long day of parenting, after I sometimes feel defeated or that maybe I could have handled something different, I reminded about the path that God choose for my kids.  Luke is exactly where God wants him to be.  He placed him with us.  Sometimes I question my ability to parent a child that is losing their SIGHT.  How do you do that?  I know that it is not fun to think about.  But it must be thought about.  This past May I actually called the School for the Blind.  I had to face reality that their services were going to be needed by son at some point.  They have advocates that come into the schools that provided services to kids like Luke.

The TRUTH is I believe that God has the ability to HEAL Luke completely, but also know that sometimes God teaches us things through trials.  As Luke and I were walking hand in hand one night in Disneyland this past June, we talked about making a "mental picture" or "movie" of what we were seeing. I described the lights and people and the smell of waffle cones and popcorn.  I told him that we needed to remember this time at home. I think the more "mental pictures" Luke has the more he will be able to draw from in the future.  Took everything in me not to melt into a puddle right in the middle of the Happiest Place on Earth.  The tears rolled down my cheeks at the thought of him losing is vision and not being able to see things.  How many times do we take for granite that we can see, or hear or taste, etc?  I know I do.  But because of Luke I am able to realize now the gift of SIGHT.

Blogs of Note

While reading one of my favorite blogs weloveourlucy.blogspot.com I came across another blog that touched my heart.  It is called Storing Up Treasures.  If you would like your blog to be featured on Storing Up Treasures in the Blogs of Note go ahead and visit the site by clicking the above link and then "Blogs of Note" in her bar at the top.  She has some incredible blogs in that list that will touch your heart.

OUT with the OLD....and IN with the NEW

So....we bought a new van! (Well new to us...used by the car world standards).  It is...surprise, surprise...another Honda Odyssey.  This time it is a 2006.  I have to admit I was quite attached to the "green" van (pictured on left).  It held everyone of my foster kids and brought home Bella from the hospital.  It kept us safe when we were re-ended by a reckless driver on I-5.  It took a lot for me to get used to the idea of "another van".  It wasn't the van we set out to by, but it is a van that God brought to us and it feels RIGHT.  So we will bid farewell to the "green" van when it finally sells (still waiting for Mr. Dahl to put new brakes on it before we sell it).  It will be a bitter-sweet moment.

 The new van is AWESOME.  I am so thankful to God for providing us just what we needed.  The kids are excited and everyone is separated (which is a good thing).  Luke has his own little "secret agent" seat, as I call  it in the 3rd row and the girls are in captains chairs in the 2nd row.  Grace is in heaven because the new van has windows that roll down in the 2nd row.  She thinks that is absolutely the best feature!

This is also a van that technically seats 8.  This is a picture of the 2nd row and it has a special quad seat between the two captains chairs.  It is a cool little feature.

Decisions..Decisions...

The last couple of years, making any type of "major" decision has been very difficult for me.  I think I spend too much time making pro/con lists and trying to think of every issue or hiccup that could come up.  Because of that I talk myself into and out of things because I am afraid of "making a mistake."  No more has this ever been more true when it comes to decisions that revolve around "MY CHILDREN".  I often feel a HUGE amount of pressure to not make any mistakes with them because of their history/past and all the issues they are dealing with.  You have seen examples of my indecisiveness  in my posts especially regarding school choices for Luke and Grace.

Mark and I have finally come to a very long and difficult DECISION regarding the school placement for the kids for next year.  Both Luke and Grace will be attending our neighborhood public school.  It pains me to write it.  It means that I will turn down a $3600 dollar scholarship for them to attend private Christian School.  We were blessed to be given this scholarship through "His Helping Hands Foundation".  Even after the scholarship it will cost us almost $1000 dollars a month to have them attend Christian School (rest of tuition, gas, hot lunch, extras like photos or book orders).  The truth is....the DIFFICULT truth is....admitting we DO NOT have that money.

More TRUTH....it leaves me feeling like a FAILURE.  In my mind I think..."what is wrong with me that I can't give a Christian school education for my children? They deserve it.  They've been through so much...etc.  My parents provided a Christian Education for me."  The facts are really 2 things.   First, we just can't afford it. Second most private Christian Schools do not accept kids like Luke that have special needs.  Not because they are wrong...they just do not have the ability to meet their needs.

So...it's time to move FORWARD and to LET IT GO.  I have to accept now that this is our path, that GOD, the creator the universe, knows my children and their needs and will protect them and uphold them and put the right people in their paths that will help them in school.

I am reminded in the midst of our school decision, in the midst of unknowns about Luke's eyes and sight loss, in the midst of Grace's speech difficulties and every other issue running around in my head...that God is LEADING me..He hasn't FORGOTTEN me and HE  has me on his mind.

"Yet I will not forget you.  See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands." Isaiah 49

Update on LUKE's Eyes

After a mostly sleepless night, a trip to Safeway at 12:30am, and finally drifting off around 2am, we made it to Casey Eye.  After rushing because we got lost (go figure we were there two weeks ago), we still ended up waiting nearly 45 minutes to be called back.  We worked with 6 different people (2 nurses, 2 doctors, 1 resident and 1 student in medical school).  OHSU is a teaching hospital so it is common for students/residents/interns to be present at your appointments.

We had one hour of eye testing with Luke, checking of the eye pressures, his vision, etc.  Then we had one hour with the genetic counselor where I got to re-live Luke's medical history/ developmental history/ educational history/ family history etc.  About 15 minutes in to the history, I had Mark take Luke out of the room because they were asking questions about his birth and early life that he doesn't need to know yet.  He of course knows he is adopted and his history through Grandma Carol's (first foster mom) and then to his forever home (us), but he doesn't know that he nearly died, and all about his failure to thrive and such...so at that point I excused him and Mark from the room to go play.  I am really good at speaking up and making sure Luke's best interests are protected, and that his needs are at the fore front of all his medical care (just part of being an advocate).

We made it through the family history and the Dr. Mark Penessi came in.  Apparently he is a retina "genius" and the #2 doctor in the nation when it comes to retinas.  Didn't know this prior to the appointment.  He gave Luke a thorough eye examination, and then shared the results of all the testing they did.  We are HAPPY to announce that Luke's retinas are NORMAL and HEALTHY and his retinas are NOT what is causing the vision loss.  On the down side...we still don't know why he has lost so much of his peripheral vision (his vision loss pattern is not following one typical of Luke's stage of glaucoma.  Although it is possible for this atypical pattern to present in glaucoma, it is just not common.)  So....next appointment is August with Dr. Edmunds back at Casey Eye on the Waterfront.  We are just so THRILLED that this was a GOOD NEWS day!  Thank you Lord for your provision and hand on Luke.

I am exhausted, my body aches from being so tense and nervous about what was going to happen, plus I haven't slept well in four nights.  Friday night Bella threw-up, Saturday night Grace was up screaming with ear pain, and last night I just couldn't relax.  Of course as I got everyone ready for bed I noticed Bella was warm. Took her temperature....101.0  Great!!  What is next?  I don't feel like I can even handle an ear infection at this point.  Maybe it will be better in the morning after I have had some sleep! I appreciate all your support and prayers.  It means so much to me to read everything you all write.  It is AWESOME encouragement!

Tomorrow's Appointment: The Glaucoma Specialist

Tomorrow we return to Casey Eye to go over the results of Luke's latest procedure. (And it is with that last sentence that I realized I never talked about Luke's last eye procedure).

Let's take a minute and review what happened :)  Luke was referred to Glaucoma Genetics several months ago.  The specialist referred us to a specialist (so I don't know what to call this specialist).  It is the type of appointment where they call you and "let YOU know" what days you will be coming, and you schedule your day around the appointment, not the appointment around your day.  So June 29 was the day.  We went up to OHSU on the hill (which I hadn't been to before).  It was pretty amazing!  An entire building devoted to Glaucoma!!! I felt a lot of things: nerves for what they were going to do, anger that Luke was dealing with yet an other issue and another procedure, and thankfulness that we live in a country and in area that has the best of the best when it comes to glaucoma and eye care.

After finally finding our way to floor 5, Luke was called back and we were explained what would happen.  They put some numbing cream on both of his hands and then wrapped them. Luke was going to have to get and I.V. for sedation for the procedure.  We waited another hour for the cream to take full effect.

I had been told previously that we were going to have to wait 30 minutes in a dark room after they dilated his eyes before the procedure could begin.  Silly me thought that a dark room  meant dimmed lighting, music and some comfy chairs.  OH NO...was I EVER WRONG on that one!!!! After they called us back again and  Luke was outfitted with the I.V. (by the way he was a trooper and no tears or anything), we (meaning Luke and I, because only one parent was allowed in the "dark room") were put in the "dark room".  Ya...so the dark room wasn't dimmed lights, music and the such. It was PITCH BLACK (couldn't see the hand in front of me) room.  It was two hard chairs and a bunch of pitch blackness. It took everything in me not to have a panic attack.  So for 30 minutes, we played silly games (like guess how many fingers I am holding up) and sang songs (like... "this little light of mine") until....(and here's the kicker) the anesthesiologist came through the according sliding door with a red flashlight, so that I could sign the consent that I understood the risks  associated with sedating my baby!  It was a moment that I hope never repeats again in my life, and if it does that it is Mark signing in the red light.  Oh...the things we do for our children.  They propped Luke up and onto the bed and told him that he was going to go to sleep now...only the I.V. decided that it wanted to have a kink in it and the medicine to make Mr. L happy and relaxed was not flowing through that I.V.  And so as they frantically (the nurse and the anesthesiologist) tried to figure out and rectify the problem, Mr. L started freaking out.  And when I say freaking out....I mean FREAKING OUT.  Screaming, crying, kicking, pleading with me to take him home...."Please mommy...I don't want to do this anymore.  I want to go home!!!!"  "I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared!" His chin and lip quivering and his feet kicking and then when they finally got the kink out, the medication burned going in so I heard, "Ouch, ouch, ouch,...make it stop".  Until finally he relaxed and I was asked to leave.  Two thoughts raced through my mind..."Where is MARK?" and "what did I do to my baby?"

I made my way to the corner of the large waiting area, where Mark was, and proceeded to completely lose it recounting the events that led up to this.  Mark later told me that he could hear Luke screaming in the waiting area and it took everything within his daddy's heart not to tear walls down to rescue his boy.  I no longer had calmed down when a white haired old lady decided that she wanted to butt into our conversation by asking all about what procedure he was having, telling me that I shouldn't have gone back with Luke, Mark should have gone because guys are tougher than mommy's (thanks) and that no matter how upset Luke was he has to have these procedures so just tell him that next time.  Again..thanks.  I wanted to RING HER NECK.  She then butted in further to inquire if he had an developmental problems.  OH MY GOSH.  Has she no tack?  That is when I got up and left.  I didn't need to take that on top of live though the next hour wondering if my guy was ok?

During the sedation they were preforming an ERG (electroretnogram) or a series of pictures to measure the rods and cones in the eyes.  The doctor also came and looked at the back of his eyes, they took blood and photography came up to take more pictures that are easier to do when a patient is sedated.  After an hour, we were called back, Luke woke up, had some juice and crackers, and after a wheelchair ride down to the car we were on our way home.  The ride home was joyous as he screamed the entire way that his eyes hurt.  I had to climb in the back of the car and restrain him somewhat as he hid his head under a blanket.  An hour later he was good as new, and the next day a trip to Target to pick out "Pop the Pig" (a thrilling game let me tell you).  All was well again.  Which leads me into tomorrow.....

I would be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous about tomorrow.  It is the unknown that scares me the most.  Not knowing what to expect.  The thing is I have absolutely no idea what they are even going to tell us or what they were looking for with his last procedure.  We will once again climb the hill to OHSU and ride up the elevator to floor 5 to hear what the doctor has to say.  Now...convincing Luke to come along with us...that is the difficult part.  Any prayers you can say on our behalf tomorrow would be greatly welcomed and appreciated.  Appointment at 8am pacific time, update to follow.  Thank you!

ILS (Integrated Listening Systems)

I can't let anymore time go by before I pause here to share with you the incredible miracle of of God's PROVISION.  First off, thank you to everyone that donated money to Luke.  It means more to me than you will ever know and this MOMMY's heart can't find the words to express to you about how much it means that you all care about Luke so very much!  But the incredible thing is it is not only being used by Luke but by Grace as well.

It is a multi-sensory approach to the therapy and we are having fun using it in our house.  I of course LOVE being the therapist and helping them do all the fun activities from the play list.  They are balancing, bouncing balls, tossing bean bags (or pelting me with them) stretching, drawing, playing Wii Sport (which is allowed during the iLs time).  After a bit of adjustment, they are tolerating the ear phones just right (the head band helps keep them on Luke's little head) and they are great about understanding the equipment and being responsible and respectful when it is their turn.  I can't wait to report the updates and results as we begin seeing them.