What I would say

Five years ago today, I answered my cell phone to hear the words that no one can ever prepare to hear, "your dad has passed away." I think one of the hardest realities of when someone close to you dies is that you no longer can talk with them. And unfortunately you have all this time to think about the things that you want to say. So, if I could talk to my dad today this is what I would say.

Dear Dad,
This time of year is always so difficult for me since you died. I can hardly fight back my tears when I see the leaves change color, the smell of the air, or the way fall clothes feel on my skin. Everything about my world during this time reminds me only of you. Yet, somehow I love fall so much. What sense does that make? It has been five years. Five years. Where does the time go? It has been five years since I heard your voice on the other end of the phone. I still remember your phone number 600-0911. Five years since I have seen you drive your white SUV, heard about your latest home sale, or gone to dinner with you. I can’t remember the last time we had a meal together, and when were having that meal it never even crossed our minds that it would be the last time. But that is just the way life is. You never know when your last breath will be. You never know. It has been longer since I last heard you preach, or watched you play your guitar. You always supported me when I tried something. We had a way of connecting. What would you think of me now? I have children. I am a mother. You have grandbabies. And oh, you would have loved them! They are the most wonderfully things. Did you know when we bought this house that they would be living here? Did you know the history that would unfold here?

Still, after these five years, not one day goes by that I don't think of you, that I am not reminded of you. I wish I could ask for your help on how to get a good price on new carpet for our family room. I know you could work a deal. Or advice on buying and selling a home, or hearing your latest story about someone or something interesting. I'm certain if you were here you would be spoiling my kids with funny things like watches and jumbo sized stuffed animals. Only your not. Your somewhere better where things like "war", "recession" and "cancer" don't exisit. You don't worry or feel pain. You are not stressed or limited physically in any way. You are free, in every way that a person can be free. Your spirit of compassion and giving lives on inside of me. You taught me those things about caring for the needy and giving to those who really need it. I mentor families like the ones you fed at our churches food bank. I teach special needs children. I am glad that before you "moved" on you knew that we were in the process of becoming foster parents. I am glad for this house that we live in, and I am more glad that you found it for us. We repainted the living room and bought some new furniture. After five years, and 13 foster kids, things need to be replaced. I miss you dad and love you even more than I miss you.
Me