A Difference A Year Makes

A difference a year makes...

I couldn't let this day pass, before taking time to reflect on June 11th, 2015. 

A year ago today, I found out that we were expecting our sweet little bonus baby.

Truthfully...I was a bit terrified when those two pink lines appeared and the "pregnancy" word popped up on the blue test.  My littlest was 5 years old, and my body was 36 years old.  I knew that this pregnancy would be different than Bella's. 

June 11th, 2015 was also the night that Bella graduated from preschool.  I remember sitting in the sanctuary feeling a bit panicky about where life was about to go. 

So much has changed in this past year.  New baby, new home, new job position for Mark.  It has been so much transition.  And...as we all know...transition is very difficult for children with special needs. We have had many meltdowns, tantrums, tears and anger at times. 

Even the little pink princess has had her fair share of difficulties with missing the "yellow house".  Not even joking...she slept on a little mattress at the foot of our bed for 4+months.  Finally...she is sleeping in her own room. 

Matthew has been an incredible blessing.  I call him our "bonus" baby.  After so many miscarriages and loss in my twenties, God saw fit to bless me with biological children in my thirties.  The pregnancy was hard though.  I've yet to share too many details yet.  Part of me is still processing. 

I enjoyed as much of his pregnancy as I could.  I was so sick for 12 weeks and then all sorts of medical fun was headed my way.  But with the help of one incredible doctor, we made it to the other side.  Truth...I think these parking spots are more needed after you have a baby and have so much stuff to carry.

Matthew at 10 weeks in utero.  It is so amazing and leaves me in awe that the human body knows what to do to grow, fed and nourish a tiny human.

A fulfillment of a promise.  The completion.  I am so honored to be his mama.  To meet his every need.  To rock him and sing to him and hold him and feed him at 3 am.  A true blessing.

What a difference a year makes!  From two pink lines to 16 pounds of chunk.  I love that life is full of surprises (especially ones you didn't plan on). 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28

The Crib

It's been awhile since any little one in my house slept in a crib.  Bella had a lovely white crib that was still very useful, but due to the drop sides was no longer safe.  We purchased this one at Target when we were going through the re-licensing process for foster care last year (which would be two and half years ago now).

Recently while spending some time cleaning Luke's room, I took the crib down to give him a little more space.  But when faced with the prospect of putting it in the attic, I found I couldn't.  Two summer's ago, God whispered to me, "I'm not done with you yet."  I have held on to this promise since.  So I moved it into our room.  It is a daily reminder to me of God's promise.

I had several miscarriages before Luke joined our family.  When I was pregnant the first time, I went out and bought the most beautiful wooden cradle.  I imagined myself rocking our soft bundle back and forth while singing softly in the darkness.  Several stuffed animals graced the inside of the white eyelet bedding.  When I lost our baby, I was devastated.  The cradle became a mysterious, secret piece of furniture that seemed to scream "empty" at me every time I would pass by it.  I would try and fill it full of stuffed animals and blankets but it's silence was deafening.  Eventually I would sell it because the pain was too great for me to handle.  Nothing quite turned out like I had planned.

I still feel reverence for the crib.  I still feel like it is sacred.  When it was finally time for a crib, I felt like I had accomplished something.  When we stood over Luke's crib, with him sleeping in it the first night he slept in our home it was a victorious win for my soul.

I went on to have many babies sleep in my cribs over the years (foster babies, adopted babies, biological babies)...Jennifer, Theresa, Gabe, Gracie, Jamie, Karma, Sophie, RJ, Tyson, Penelope, Zachary, Isabella, Robby, Kenneth, Levi and now Matthew (our grand finale).  They each teaching me something about myself, about love, about acceptance, about faith, about patience, about time. 

**I started this post several years ago, if you can believe that.  It has sat in draft form for awhile.  I was in the midst of knowing our family wasn't complete; however, totally unsure of how the completion would come.  I would wrestle with these thoughts almost daily.  In true God fashion He is never late.  His whisper of "I'm not done with you yet"  was fulfilled.  Several years ago, I would have almost 100% told you that our final child would be through adoption.  In my wildest imagination I never thought I would have another biological baby.  What an amazing journey and blessing to the completion.  God really writes the best stories.  And now...this crib...the exact one in the picture.. is set up in our room...and a sleepy baby occupies it finally after years of wonder and a whole lot of faith.

Home

Welcome Home Dahl Family!

On January 9, 2016, we moved into our new home.  There is nothing more exciting and nail biting than moving when you are almost 9 months pregnant!  After great lengths of discussion, Mark and I felt there would be no GOOD time to move, so we finally decided to bite the bullet and proceed with moving.  The end of November, on our way to cut down our Christmas tree, Mark drove me by our "new" house for the first time.  On December 2, 2015 we made and offer and put our yellow house on the market.  It sold 48 hours after listing.  And the rest, they say...is history.  :)  We were so blessed that the timing for selling and buying worked out mostly seamlessly.  And most everything was unpacked by the time Matthew made his grand entrance.

So for the first time, I share with you all our home.  Come with me on a tour....

This is the large room that greets you when you walk in the front door.  Lately, I have been enjoying finding large alphabet letters to hang around the house.  This room is a study area for the kids, my desk and work space and the piano also lives in this space.  This room leads into the family room and the kitchen. 

This is the downstairs hallway that leads to the half bathroom and if you turn right at the end of the hallway takes you to the garage.  I also keep a gray laundry basket at the bottom of the stairs to put Matthew's soiled clothes into.  It keeps things more organized and saves me a trip upstairs (as our laundry room is on the second floor).

This is our half bathroom.  It has a Mickey Mouse theme. 

This is Matthew's changing table area.  I find I change him more downstairs so we have all his diapers, wipes etc. organized on his changing table.  His baby calendar also hangs close by.

This is my wonderful kitchen.  The door leads into a large pantry.  Huge blessing to have a pantry to store food and gadgets.  Truth...I have some empty cupboards and drawers.

Matthew's feeding cupboard.  This is his area where I keep everything for his formula and bottles.

This is our family room.  Bella is so excited to have a fireplace where Santa can come down this year. 

Upstairs hallway.  The door on the right is Bella's room, the door straight ahead is the kids' bathroom and the door to the left is Grace's room.

This is the little hallway that leads to the laundry room. 

Inside of the laundry room.  It is soooo wonderful not having to laundry in the garage. 

Bella's side of the room.

Matthew's side of the room.

Grace's room.

Luke's room.

Our room and Matthew's room currently :)

Kids' bathroom.

Our backyard with covered patio.

The trees are gone now.

Another view.  It is a smaller backyard than what we had at the yellow house; however, we have so much more space in our home.  There is a park close by and we live on a cul-de-sac so very little traffic.  The kids enjoy playing with the neighbors' kids too. 

I feel so incredibly blessed to have this home.  Sometimes I feel like pinching myself to make sure it is true.  After waiting and wishing and praying for so long for more space we finally got it.  I am so thankful for all the blessings this house provides to each of us!   

Baseball Luke

This sweet little guy is still playing baseball with the Miracle League.  The Miracle League is for kids that have special needs.  They let kids play baseball.  It isn't about scoring or winning or outs. 

It is about making their dream come true and allowing them to play baseball on their terms.  Some of the kiddos are in wheelchairs, some need assistance, some need specialized equipment.  Others hit off the tee, and some need the baseball thrown a special way.  For Luke it is always getting to bat last...to be the clean up batter and hitting the ball as far as he can.  It's getting to play any position you want and sometimes multiple positions in the same inning and it's all good.  No one cares.  And after 4 years the crowd always looks forward to his signature slide into home plate! 

If you haven't read about Luke's First Game click here.  It's one of my favorite posts. 

This year Luke has a #1 fan!  Twinning is winning!

What the World Needs...

...less talk of election candidates and more babies promoting world peace!

Railroad Wife

I love a man that can wear a baby!!!  And oh how I love my husband.  He works tirelessly to support our family, and even more...support me.  A little over a year ago, I stopped working and began raising our kids at home full time.  It was a difficult decision, knowing the alternative to me not working.  Mr. Fix-It (Mark) is fortunate enough to have different job positions available to him.  He can work in the Vancouver train yard terminal building trains...getting them ready to travel with their various cargo, or he can actually travel with the trains to Pasco, WA and back.  Mr. Fix-It is a train conductor and the first thing he would tell you is that it sounds more exciting than it actually is.  When he works in the yard he is able to have a set schedule and hours.  Mr. Fix-It enjoys the swing shift.  When he works the "road" or traveling with the trains, he has no set schedule and as his name rotates to the top of list he takes whatever train he is assigned to.  He could get a call at 3am.  It is almost impossible to predict any type of schedule.  Welcome to the world of being a Railroad Wife!

While I am VERY thankful for his job, as it as provided so many incredible things for our family, I find this schedule difficult for the children and I.  Having a son with special needs that thrives on predictability, having no clue what days dad has off is so agonizing for him.  We work through it as best as we can, but we all have our moments. 

Yesterday, after nearly a year of working in the "yard", Mr. Fix-it took his first train to Pasco, WA at 9pm last night.  Before he even kissed me good-bye, I was doing the ugly cry.  It wasn't for my lack of confidence or feeling like I couldn't handle it, however; it was more for the fact that I was going to just plain miss him.  He is my best friend.

So here we are entering another transition.  Hopefully the last for a long time.  I am slowly finding my way as a mother of four kiddos.  I am a walking a new path of caring for a newborn up to a teenager.  It is a little crazy at times! 

A New Beginning

After being absent here on the blog since late September, I find it fitting to title this post "A New Beginning".  First "A New Beginning" to writing about life again, and an introduction to "A New Beginning" at the Dahl house. 

Matthew William Neal was born on Wednesday, February 17 @ 7:57am.  He weighed in at an impressive 9 pounds and 9 ounces.  Matthew was 21.75 inches tall.  He had a full head of the precious dark hair you have ever seen.  He is beautiful and we are all in love.  Matthew has one of those little bodies that is squishy all over and he molds to fit into your arms.  He sleeps for long stretches at a time and enjoys eating, eating and more eating.  He is love and my heart is so full!

Where to Even Start...

It has been so long since I posted anything, I am not sure if anyone out there is still reading.  Regardless, I have so much to say, update, write, share...that I am not even sure where to start.  

First, I want to mention three big things...1) Bella's heart is absolutely PERFECT!!!  She had a great appointment in July and the doctor watched the entire echo procedure.  He said her murmur was completely normal.  2) Luke's eyes remain stable!!!  He goes back to Casey Eye at the end of November.  3) I am 19 weeks pregnant with a baby BOY!!!!  Total surprise for us.  I am calling him our bonus baby, because I feel so blessed that we are given one more little blessing.  He will be our last, as he is our completion for our family.  So life has been full of lots of appointments, blood work, ultrasounds.  But I am having a completely healthy, normal pregnancy.

 



The other big news (and you can tell from my photos) is that all my kiddos went back to school.  I'm three weeks into the school year and I miss them terribly.  Maybe it's the hormones, or that things haven't gone very smoothly for my kids transitioning back to school, but I have cried nearly every day for them.  The house is too quiet and I have spent far more time by myself in the last week (since Mark is working day shift) than I have in the last year. 

 





 

The biggest transition piece is that this little five year started all day kindergarten.  Bella and I have been connected at the hip since the day she was born.  We both miss each other, but probably me missing more of her.  She is one of those children that are such a joy to be around.  She has encountered some issues such a bullying, a child taking parts of her lunch, a child continually laughing at what she brings for share.  Bella keeps telling me, "we don't get to play toys class.  We work, work, work." This is upsetting because she is just five and play is such a developmental part of learning.  She is at school for almost seven hours...too long.  I have been beating myself up for not putting her in half day.  In the passing of a week, I feel like she has had to abandoned her childhood, creativity and imagination for a pencil and worksheets (it's really like first grade).  This is not the education I dreamed for her.

 

Luke and Grace have had their own fair share of struggles too.  At the VERY last minute, Grace's teacher moved to California and needed to be replaced.  Poor sweet girl has had very high anxiety and stress since and has had to adjust to new circumstances and a new teacher.  It's been difficult to say the least.  She has asked me to return to public school and to be homeschooled.

Luke began middle school and with it has come so much work and homework I cried every night for the first two weeks.  (Can you see crying is a theme with me?)  I often question my decisions for my children.  Honestly, there is a huge part of me that wishes to go back and do things differently.  I feel stuck now.  For two of my children with special needs, I wonder how hard to push them?  How much do I expect from them?  How outside the box do I need to think?  What is best?  Lately, I question have I pushed Luke too far.  In my quest to prove he is capable and he is able and he can, have I forgot that each of us has limitations.  I know hard work is good.  It molds us, it grows us.  But is he so stressed out that he isn't getting much.  Is he focusing too much on being behind to learn.  All things I wrestle with, and unfortunately there is no manual or guide for figuring this all out.  So I continue to struggle and question and process....

Bella's Heart & Luke's Eyes

The month of June is almost in the books, and the month of July is arriving this week.  With the month of July, comes some pretty big medical appointments for several of the Dahl kiddos.  The first BIG appointment will happen on Wednesday.

In May, I took Bella for an ear re-check from an ear infection she had.  While her ear had improved, the doctor was concerned about the ever present heart murmur that she was hearing.  The doctor said it was common for 5 year olds to have murmurs because as the chest cavity becomes thinner it is easier to hear.  But the sound of the murmur was loud enough to cause the doctor to want to have Bella further evaluated.  So, on Wednesday we will venture to Legacy Emmanuel Pediatric Cardiology to have Dr. Chang perform a full exam and ECHO on her heart.

I've been doing pretty well emotionally regarding this situation (as it is not life threatening or an emergency); however, this same scenario played out with Luke when he was 3 years old.  I took him for a well child check and they doctor heard a murmur.  He was referred to Legacy Emmanuel Pediatric Cardiology for a exam.  They found Luke to have a hole in his heart causing one side to work harder than the other and his heart required surgery to fix the hole.  It is difficult for me to "not go there" in my mind with Bella's situation.  Watching your child go through heart surgery is difficult.  Thankfully, Luke is completely fine now.  I have found it encouraging that he is so caring to want to go and be with Bella during her appointment because he has done it before.  He takes the "helper" role very seriously.  So, if you think of us....around 8:45am on Wednesday, we would love your good thoughts and prayers.

The 7th of July, is Luke's Casey Eye glaucoma check.  He will be taking a new visual field test to track his peripheral vision,  I believe it is called the Humphrey.  This is the machine he has been working up to with the other visual fields.  The Humphrey will give more accurate information on his visual fields.  I am a bit nervous because his regular, fabulous doctor is on an extended leave, and he will be seeing someone else.  It is always reassuring when your children have chronic health issues that you connect with the doctor that has been monitoring them.  In Luke's case this has been the last 5 years.  He has some special notes and needs in his file and I am hoping that the new doctor doesn't freak me out with anything he/she might say.  Just nerve wracking for me.

We are officially on summer break and enjoying our time together.  The kiddos went to VBS last week at Grace Church and had a wonderful time.  We are preparing for 4-H at the Clark County Fair and I am super proud of Luke and Grace for the hard work they have put in to learning about their rabbits and projects they have done.  I am excited to see them earn ribbons and be rewarded for all their dedication and hard work.

Me...

I've avoided my blog for awhile...there have been several attempts to sit down and write something meaningful, poetic or life changing and in the end...it's all just crap.  Perhaps the reason I have found writing so difficult, is because it has been ME who is the one who has struggled the most.  I find it easy to write when the stories are about my kids.  Luke's newest need, or Grace's struggle or Bella's difficulty...but when the table turns and all eyes are me it has been difficult for me to be open and transparent.  I've held my cards close to my chest. 

So here is goes...honesty, transparency and openness from the one in our family who has struggled the most this past year...

A year ago, I almost had a breakdown.  Like really close.  I recall days of crying and crying and crying and just not being able to stop crying.  Bella would look at me and say, "mommy, it's ok...I love you." And then I would cry some more.  I would cry because she deserved a mommy that wasn't crying all the time, and her pure, simple, real love touched my heart.  I was under tremendous stress at work.  I had little to no control over the students in my classroom and it wasn't my first year teaching (it was my sixth).  Several students on behavior plans a few kiddos developmentally delayed, students being hurt on my watch, and there I was trying to manage it all by myself.  I had no aide, no helper and no one to relieve me when I needed to go to the bathroom.  I consider myself to be a very good teacher, with a strong skills set, and I was drowning in my classroom a slow painful, suffocating death.  I had been asking for help since October, begging for assistance in November and December.  By the time we had come back from spring break, I had lost the ability to tread water in my classroom.  I was just sinking. 

I finally swallowed my pride, and reached out to anyone that would listen.  I.WAS.A.MESS! I scared my mom and Mark as I teetered on the edge.  I called friends and cried, I talked to co-workers and cried, I found a therapist and cried and I prayed.  I counted down the days till school was out.  I had a dear friend that would text me everyday after school to check on me, and remind me that it was one day less.  I looked forward to her texts and the emotional support it brought me.  I got up each day and took a 1 mile walk.  I knew I had so much stress going through my system that I needed to do something with it.  It helped me focus.  By God's grace, I made it through that school year...barely.  I have never felt more relief than I did on that last day. 

Summer brought with it challenges.  Several horrible episodes of vertigo, left me again worrying about my health and dying.  I was afraid of the upcoming school year, as I would be returning to the classroom, and I was scared.  Everything inside of me told me not to do it, but it was the only way financially we could afford to pay for the kids to go to private school.  So as I geared up to go back to school in August, I began spiraling downward once again.  I felt the heaviness and darkness creep back up, and I wondered how I would be able to make through a week of school...let alone an entire year.  So I decided to visit my doctor and tell him EVERYTHING.  He said I had an anxiety/depression disorder and also was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from my last two teaching positions.  I left the appointment armed with an incredibly understanding doctor and two prescriptions.  One for anxiety and one for depression.  As nervous as I was about starting Effexor it was one of the best decisions I ever made.  I continued with therapy.

I made it to Christmas and I had been enjoying my littles in my classroom, when Mark received a job placement change at work.  We decided I wasn't going to live in survival mode till June and I gave my resignation.  It was a difficult decision for me, but ultimately my own kiddos needed the structure of one parent available to them.  So I hung up my teaching hat.  It was the right decision.

I am still in therapy today.  It will be a year next month, and at this point still don't feel that I am ready to be dismissed.  It has helped in so many ways than just what I went to originally see her for.  I have learned so much about myself.  I continue to feel myself climbing out of what I believe was years of depression/anxiety disorder.  I am surrendering to the process and not rushing through (which is what I have a tendency to do).  I still struggle, but not everyday and not with constant anxiety.  My main struggle right now is not having an official "title" anywhere.  Being "teacher" defined me and gave me purpose.  I realize that I have the titles "mom" and "wife" but it is weird to have so much education and be on the sidelines.  I find it difficult some days, but I don't regret my decision. 

I also struggle with guilt.  I have learned that I sabotage my own happiness.  Not on purpose, but just something unique to the position of growing up a pastor's child.  We always had enough and a lot of our wants, but because my parents were pastors we were told to keep things "hush/hush" if we carpeted the house, or got new furniture.  The pastor's salary was always "fair game" in the world of it's parishioners.  We could be happy but not too happy.  It has led me to experience guilt/shame in my adult life when things are wonderful.  Just being real.  This battle has been a difficult one and it is sometimes hard to be open.  But I am in a better place now, and if by chance there is anyone left reading my blog you know where I have been and what journey I have taken.  :)
Blessings to you all~Carissa

Home...

Realizing I haven't posted in almost four months, I have found it difficult to think about how I would summarize all the events that have taken place.  So much has happened and so much transition has occurred to put everything into words in one blog post seems impossible.  I am not even going to attempt it.  But, I will pick up here with our story.  The Dahlhouse today...jump ahead almost four months from where we last left off, and you will find me home.

I am home full time.  A stay-at-home mom, yet I find myself more a taxi service than anything else at this moment.  I actually feel I am not home very much.  

 Mark's position changed at work, and I needed to be home to keep up with the kids and their schedules, so I gave my notice.  It was a bittersweet feeling for me.  I still miss my students.  They were a great bunch of kids.

 Life has continued on in full force.  Me...desperate to slow it down.  There have been school events, parties and sickness.  Two ear infections and bunch of colds.  It feels never ending right now. 

 I can finally say that I feel like I am adjusting to this crazy new normal.  It was more difficult than I thought at first having Mark travel again.  But I have found a new source of strength within myself that is both welcoming and confidence building. 

 There is so much to share, so much to report on that I am not sure how I will adequately catch up. 

 One thing is true...my kids continue to impress me, surprise me and make me proud.  I can tell that they are growing both physically and developmentally. 

 One is almost reading.

 One has found her place and is beginning to branch out.

One continues to break through any barrier set in front of him.  All of it just makes me so thankful, humbled and blessed.