Father's Day Without My Dad...

 

 

Every June, when the Father's day cards fill the store shelves, like Target and Walmart and even Safeway, I purposefully find myself avoiding them.  I pick up the cards we need, but usually I use the kiddos as a buffer between me and the cards.  "Which one do you think grandpa will like?  What about daddy?" I find myself saying these things.  I try not to let my mind "go there" and remember that it is once again another father's day that I can't tell "mine" all the things I want to... or even just once more how much I loved him, appreciated him, and valued him. 

This year I found myself walking down the aisle of father's day cards by myself.  I was looking at all the titles and choices and decided that this year I was going to buy my father a card.  I stood there for a while trying to decide which would be the best for him, fully knowing I couldn't give it to him.  Yes, I stood there in the middle of Safeway with tears streaming down my cheeks thinking of another Father's Day without him.  Yep...I bought my father whose been dead for almost 10 years a father's day card filled it out and wrote his name across the top.  I have no grave to lay it at because his ashes are scattered off the shores of a Maui beach, so it is in my top drawer of my night stand where I keep some pictures of him. 

                                                                (Letting dad go...at sunset off the

                                                                  beach at the Royal Lahina).

 



I miss him. Almost 10 years ago, I said one final good-bye to my dad.  He hugged me at the bottom of the stairs, told me he loved me and kissed me on my cheek.  As he ascended the stair case, I watched unknowingly the last time I would ever see my dad. He was young, at the age of 52, still a lifetime to live, places to go, babies to hold...but it was not meant to be. 

I really miss what a good friend he was.  Not only to everyone he met, but to me and my brother David.  He always made time for us, loved to chat and talk to us on the phone and was always up for an adventure.  I loved that he appreciated our individual interests and supported us.  I know he would have done the same for his grandchildren.  I feel much of my grief is surrounded by the fact that my kiddos never knew him.  He had so much to offer and he gave to so many.  I know his legacy lives on in David and I. 

 

 

This year on Father's Day weekend, we were able to spend it with my family celebrating my grandfather's 80th birthday.  I was so happy to give my kids a family experience that reminded me of the ones that I had as child.  Aunts and uncles and cousins and grandma's and grandpa's.  It is truly a great legacy to have.  My only wish was that my father was there to share it too.  His shoes remain unfilled (as they will always be). 

 

 

                      (Papa and his great-grandkids at his 80th birthday)

 



So Happy Father's Day Dad!  Thank you for living an incredible life, for leaving a legacy and for loving me.  Thank you for loving people more than stuff, having a FAITH that was real, and encouraging me to follow the plan in life that God had for me.  I'm passing that on to my 3 babies here, while I know you are watching my 3 babies in heaven.  XOXO

 

Love,

Me

 



It's Game Day!

Today has been a rough day with the kids...nothing out of the ordinary, but just meltdowns, sensory issues, tantrums and potty accidents on the carpet and bathroom floor.  Just an exhausting day where patience is in short supply, kiddos are very needy and I feel there is NOT enough of me to go around.  But...I know not all days are like this, and tomorrow will be another day to fill up my little sponges that listen and watch everything that I do.

So today (in the midst of rough one), I wanted to share about a good/fun day I recently had with all three of the kids.

  

Last Saturday I knew Mark would be busy at the church interviewing two pastoral candidates, so I planned a fun, busy day with kids.  It started as "Game Day" at the baseball fields where Luke played on his team "The Red Sox".  Luke plays with the Miracle Team Baseball League.  It is a league designed so that special needs kids can play baseball without all the rules, outs and normal parameters of baseball.  Everyone bats, no one gets out, everyone runs all the bases.   It is an amazing program and has done incredible things for Luke and his love of baseball and playing sports.

You can read all about Luke's very first experience playing miracle league baseball here !  I was doing the big ugly mama cry at that first game!  The Miracle league baseball experience and the people have blessed me incredibly.

 

Luke loves to play EVERY position on the field (sometimes in the same inning)!  But it's all good :)  No one minds.  Here he was playing third base before switching over to short stop, second base and trying to talk his way into pitching a few balls!  

 

Here is my sweet Grace at the baseball field.  She has made several little friends and keeps herself busy picking flowers and entertaining Bella.

After the game we headed to downtown Vancouver to what my kids call "The BIG Library"!  They have fun things to play in and around.  Luke even ran into a friend from his class.

Grace was excited because she signed up and got her very OWN library card.  They all checked out books and DVDs and signed up for the summer reading program.

We headed to the Farmer's Market next for some fresh fruits and veggies and a little plate lunch we enjoyed in the park.  It was a beautiful day!

Finally I surprised the kids with a trip to the movies!  Not only was it a trip to the movies but a trip to a really fun old movie theater called Kiggins.  I remember watching movies here as a little girl.  The movie theater is in downtown Vancouver and right across the street from where Luke and Grace have their counseling appointments.  

We watched the movie the Croods.  It was a super cute movie about not letting fear keep you from living life and enjoying and loving the ones around us.  We were one of two families in the theater.  The kids picked out seats and they enjoyed popcorn and sprite.  Bella even sat through her first movie.  Well...she sat on me but she enjoyed it and watched the entire movie and I didn't need to take her out.  It was a win-win! 

Shortly after we met Mark at our favorite restaurant "The Original Taco House" and ate outside.  It was a perfect ending to a fun great day.  The kids were really well behaved and kind to each other.  I felt really blessed to spend a fun kids day with them :)  I love my babies!!!

Ants, Money and Choices...

I have a million different things to blog about.  Everything from our recent 4 day trip to California to celebrate my grandpa's 80th birthday, to how much I missed my dad on Father's day, to a fun kids day we had a couple weeks ago, to the awesomeness...yes I just used that word, of the Redwood National Park.  But the only thing on my mind this morning is "Ants, Money and Choices".  I need to process all the thoughts bouncing around in my head, so here I am typing away.  There aren't any cute pictures to go a long with this post because who really wants to see a bunch of dead ants? :) This is me, just being honest, just being real.

We have an ant problem.  They keep turning up everywhere and I am sick of killing them.  I think they are sugar ants and they are now my enemy.  Each morning I wake up wondering where they have traveled today.  This morning it was the inside of the food pantry.  Yep...hundreds of them.  Mark is currently at the store finding a solution as I type.  Yesterday it was the kitchen counter.  A few months ago it was the family room floor.  I think I might have even had a bad dream about ants last night.  Anyone know a good solution to rid my house of the ants? 

I will just start this section with a statement "I HATE money!"  There never seems to be enough of it.  I particularly hate it today (or lack there of) because it causing us (Mark and I) so much stress.  Mark had received a raise things evened out and were good.  Fast forward to now...Mark's raise was reduced and now we are short $500 dollars a month.  Fabulous...I could really just cry.  I've gone over our budget.  I've cut things out, I've weeded things down, I coupon, I've started staying home more certain days of the week to save on gas, I use programs set up to help with gas vouchers for medical/therapy appointments for my kids, I have recently applied for a medical premium program that would reimburse Mark his health insurance premium each month since two of our kiddos have Medicaid insurance.  Two of our three cars are paid off,  we are looking into refinancing our house to lower the monthly payment even more.  I've given up the dream for private Christian school for my kids because as much as I would like to think we can afford it, we can't  I'm holding off preschool for Bella for another year to save costs...and now I am really crying.  Reality sucks sometimes.  We need a new roof...badly, the dishwasher is barely holding on, Grace needs a new bed (thankfully not a mattress) but I know everyone understands life is just like that.  And money makes the world go round.

So...the money issues (or lack there of) lead to the choices.  This is where I have become a great big ball of stress.  You see...I feel responsible for the money issue we are in.  If I had a part time job...no money worries.  At all.  So we sit down to look at our choices...they are bad and worse.  There really is no good choice.  Sucks being a grown-up. 

Choice #1: I find a job and work again.  I spent a week crying about this one because I love being at home.  My heart is here.  My kids are here.  If I have to work, I would pick to work two or three mornings a week at a church preschool, or a quiet office job one or two days a week would be ideal.  Honestly I am really open to anything that might fit, but who wants to hire a mom/teacher who has three special needs kids?

Choice#2: Mark goes and works the "road" again.  Working the "road" on the railroad is HELL.  There really is no other good word to describe it.  It means Mark has NO SCHEDULE.  It's like being "on call" 24 hours a day.  He is married to the computer so he can try and predict when he is going to work.  The phone rings at 3am, off to work he goes.  Stuck in Pasco, WA for 3 days...sucks to be Mark.  Want to go to the movie with the family?  Not sure if I will be called while we are out, so better not go.  That schedule literally drove Luke to temper tantrums and tears ALL.THE.TIME.  He couldn't handle dad not having a schedule and knowing when he had days off.  He would cry when he woke up in the morning and found that dad wasn't here.

Choice#3: Mark gets a second job.  I don't like this idea either.  Mark already has a volunteer second/third job and I don't think we can handle a fourth.  Back in February our church began looking for another pastor.  Since Mark was the president of the church board all of the responsibilities of the church became his plus finding a new pastor (organizing, resumes, interviews, meetings etc).  20+ hours of church work each week volunteer plus the gas it takes to make 2 trips a week.  Its 35 miles round trip.  It has been this way since February.  In May, Mark and I began being the youth leaders again on one of the two evenings he has off.  The former leaders stepped down and there was no one else to step forward.  I feel so completely stretched right now.  Because of these situations I am able to look at my parents and their ministry in a new light.  I have a greater appreciation and understanding for my parents and their time served as pastors.  It has been a season of growth for us and we have walked sometimes one foot in front of the other.

I wish I had the magic solution to sum up the ending to this blog post.  I don't.  That has yet to be determined.  I've considered working from home, but I am uncertain.  There are options.  Do I sell things on ebay or etsy?  Do I open a preschool in our home?  Do I get licensed for daycare? I could tutor, but afternoons/evenings are not a good time due to Mark's work schedule.  All I know is there has to be an answer to all this and I know we will find it.  Meanwhile the stress is great and we are trying to look for the positive while we feel overwhelmed.  We appreciate anyone who would pray for us during this time. 

Thursday's Therapy Tool: Therapy Putty

 

 

 

This Thursday I would like to feature a therapy tool we use in our home on a daily basis...."therapy putty".  From the pictures you might notice it looks a lot like playdoh; however the texture and pliability are much different.  And not that playdoh is bad...we LOVE playdoh at the Dahl House...well...everyone except the carpet.  The carpet in the front room met a container of hot pink playdoh a few weeks ago, and it just hasn't been the same since.  No amount of scrubbing, combing or scratching has restored the carpet to it's original hot pink playdoh free self.  There may or may not have been a swear word spoken out loud. :)  Ok...playdoh rant over.

 

Therapy putty comes in a variety of colors and firmness.  The yellow putty pictured above is much softer than the green putty.  Therapy putty is an excellent fine motor tool.  It has this amazing power to calm my children!  They roll it into various shapes and sizes.  You can roll the putty into a ball that will bounce.  They enjoy pulling it apart over and over and over again (great way to build hand strength).  They have been know to try and hit each other with the pulled apart strands.  Someone small has even tried to put it up her nose.  She possibly succeeded.  No worries though...it's non-toxic.  You can even hide small objects in the putty and have them find them and pull them out as a type of game. 

 

The consistency of therapy putty is much different than playdoh too.  It has a sheen.  Sometimes it seems to almost have a liquid consistency.  If I left the green ball of putty out (pictured above) it would eventually become a pancake on the table.  However, it does not leave a residue on hard surfaces or little hands.  My only caution would be never leave it out on the carpet for a long period of time (hours).  It will "melt" into the carpet making it difficult to remove.  But if it is dropped on the carpet it will not immediately stick...ahhhmmm unlike the playdoh. :)

 

Therapy putty can be purchased from various online retailers for less than $4 dollars per 2 oz container (the below containers are 2 oz.).  I purchased the yellow putty through Fun and Function .  The green we purchased from Luke's occupational therapist.  Also, Learning Palace sells putty in tin cases that my daughter has discovered.  Some of them are glow-in-the-dark and magnetic!  Such a fun, inexpensive, simple activity that has so many great benefits!

 

Track Meet Wrap Up

This afternoon, I had no idea how much emotion I was going to feel when we showed up for Luke's track meet.  Months earlier, Luke begged me to sign him up for track.  I admit I was nervous.  He hasn't participated in an after school sport before.  There is a process by which allowing him to participate in track requires that I have to "let go" and allow him to navigate the world without me.  I agreed to track and in turn allowed him the opportunity to grow. 

Participation in track would mean Luke would have to remember what days to not get on the bus to come home.  He would have to find his way to track practice and navigate where he could change into his track clothes.  Luke would have to keep track of his coat, backpack and lunch box on his own.  I realize that a lot of this should sound simple enough for a 10 year old, but for a kiddo with special needs it is a lot of change in routine and would require he pay attention to detail.  That left this mama biting her nails.   

Luke accomplished all of his goals for participating in track and I couldn't be more proud!  He attended all the practices and knew everything about what was expected of him at the meet.  He even selected the four events that he wanted to participate in (standing long jump, 400 meter relay, 100 meter dash and throwing the mini javelin).

He was even selected for the team tug-o-war competition.  Yes that is my son posing for the camera prior to the event!  LOVE HIM!  

The track meet was held at McKenzie Stadium.  It is a special place for me.  I watched many high school football games during my high school career. Also Mark and I graduated from High School together at that stadium in 1997.  I walked down the hill into the stands and the memories came flooding.  The sights, sounds and smells...all the same.  I had to fight back the tears.  It was weird and I didn't expect that reaction.  I decided to sit where my family sat when we graduated from high school.  It was close enough so I could watch Luke, but far enough away to let him be with the group.   

 

I watched Luke compete in his four events.  He finished 4th in the tug-o-war and last place in everything else.  One might think I would be sad he didn't do better, but it was quite the opposite.  I could careless what place he came in.  He did it!  LUKE.ACCOMPLISHED.SOMETHING.BIG!  He followed social rules, didn't argue, didn't become upset when he wasn't first.  He tried a new thing, he wasn't afraid!  Luke put his heart and soul into that track meet.  He was really slow, but it didn't matter.  As I watched him running his heart out during the relay on the opposite side of the track, I couldn't keep the tears from falling.  I learn so much from him.  He taught me that you can't let your fear hold you back from trying new things.  He is my HERO!

I was talking with my mom a bit while waiting for Luke to compete in his different events.  I told her this was so weird to be at McKenzie Stadium with my own children.  It wasn't that long ago I was their and she was the parent.  Mom reminded me that time keeps marching on.  It does.  I'm 34 years old now.  My kids are experiencing things that I have connections to.  I can't help thinking maybe this is part of our legacy to them.  Putting down roots in the same place we had roots.  So many memories for me, now are becoming memories for them.  Time marches on.  I wouldn't doubt that someday I will sit in the same place my parents did and watch them graduate from the same stage.  And now I am doing the big ugly mama cry.  Because I don't want to let go.  I don't want them to experience failure or hurt or pain.  But I know I have too.  I don't want to.  But I need to let them take more risks and reap the benefits of success or learn from the lessons of failure.   

It's true...Luke amazes me.  His tenacity of purpose, his zest for life, his internal joy that spills out to EVERYONE he crosses paths with.  What a gift he is!  What a blessing!

 

And just for kicks...this is the way Miss B was the ENTIRE track meet.  She HATED the loud sounds and air horns.  I got some awfully nice stares from the older couple in front of us regarding her crying...whatever...I was there to cheer on my son! 

 

So today Luke...I celebrate you and your accomplishments!  Thank you for pushing mommy to do track, because I learned a lot of important lessons.  I am SO proud of you! Till next year...when I have two of them in track!  Grace has already announced she will be running next year!  You go girl!  Mama will be there cheering you on too! 

Thursday's Therapy Tool: Weighted Compression Vest

For the next couple of months, on Thursdays, I would like to feature a therapy "tool" or activity we use in our home.  I know I have several readers of this blog that have kiddos with special needs or sensory needs just like mine.  Being a special needs mom and special educator, I thought I might dedicate Thursdays to blogging about some therapy "helps".

 

The first "tool" I would like to share about is Luke's "Weighted Compression Vest."  In the past we have used the weighted vest and compression shirts separately.  The weighted vest is grounding, while the compression shirt provides tight continuous pressure over his torso.  The "Weighted Vest" is an awesome combination of both the weights and pressure. 



This vest was generously given to us by an anonymous donor through Luke's occupational therapy center.  A grant was written by Luke's therapist and we were approved.  It was purchased through Fun and Function.  This is what Fun and Function wrote on their website to describe above vest:

 

"Our weighted compression vest is made to calm and provide steady pressure so your kids can focus and learn. Combined pressure and side weights function as a reassuring deep hug. Made of neoprene, the vests are designed for comfort with soft mesh material on the sides to increase air flow and overall comfort. Hook and loop closures on the sides allow for maximum comfort, easy sizing, and quick removal.

Weights are safely positioned in pockets inside the vest and can be added or removed. Vests include two 1/2 pound weights and four 1/4 pound weights for a total of 2 pounds (Except for xx-small which contains 4 1/4 pound weights.) Additional weights available- 1/2 lb weights fits all sizes and 1 lb weights fits sizes M-XL. Machine washable in cold water when weights are removed." 

 

Here is what the individual weights look like that are enclosed in pockets on the inside of the vest.  The weights are distributed evenly.

 



Here is the back view of Luke's Weighted Compression Vest.  It's hook and loop closures allow us to get the vest as tight as he wants it.  Luke is known to seek out this vest when his body is feeling out of control.  This last weekend for example, he was having a difficult time regulating his body and he went and grabbed the vest and put it on.  When he felt better, he removed it.  I have seen him do this numerous times.

Here is mister man happy in his vest!  We ordered the small.  Note that the vests run big and I recommend measuring the torso to find the exact fit.  This vest costs 52.99 and can be ordered by clicking here (Fun and Function's website).  We are so appreciative of the donor that allowed us to use this vest.  I highly recommend this product because of the combination of weight and pressure.  It also can be worn under clothes and not be too noticeable.   

Funny Faces

Dear Miss B,

Seriously...how can you be this grown up already?  Sheesh...when did you turn 3 really? Your a little lady and a delight!  Weren't you just born?  How fast does time really go?  I am desperate to at least slow it down a little.  Please???  

You make me laugh ALL.THE.TIME!  Such as in the below photographs.  What's up with all your silly faces?

I love the scrunched up look!  You're adorable!

This look is priceless!!!  "Seriously...you want to take a picture of me, I can't be bothered right now."  

Love you Miss B!

Your adoring Mama (who turned 34 years old today)!

So my fellow friends....how does one make time slow down?  Or how do you record your memories?

Monday Mornings & the Mess

Ok...I am going to be real with you all :) Lately...my reality at home looks like this a lot.  And it drives.me.crazy!!!

I sent these pictures to my mom earlier this week and asked her if she was having a difficult time breathing :) Hehehe... 

 

I have to give my mom credit, growing up...our house NEVER looked like this...EVER!  I am actually embarrassed to post these, but it is life and truth and a memory of a season in my life.  These pictures represent what happens when I do no cleaning or picking up for 24 hours.  We had gone to a really fun birthday party the night before, and then we had church the next morning. 

 

Seriously...I'm not working now and this is what my house looks like.  Any one have any tips for me?  Help?  Advice?  It really does drive me nuts and I want to be different.  My difficulties come when I clean up one area or mess only to find two more areas destroyed by "little helpers".  :)  Love them, but man they are tornadoes.  The other issue is sometimes I choose to play Wii, or board games, or read books and then by the time everyone is in bed with everything they all need, I am exhausted and ready for bed myself. 

 

Monday in our home is grocery shopping day.  I loath taking all 3 kids to the grocery stores, so taking just Miss B is nice.  And even though she has a mind all her own, we have fun adventures such as our time at the "monkey store" as my kids call Trader Joe's.  She insists on pushing the "baby cart".  We load all our items up and then we have to find the monkey.

 

 

The employees hide the monkey in a different spot each day.  If the kids find him they ring the bell and give them a lollipop.  The monkey was "hiding" way up high today, but no worries, Bella found him. :)

 

 It never fails that something I see on our Monday grocery shopping days reminds me of my dad.  This white van is from a retirement home called Van Vista.  My dad used to deliver food to residents of that home when our church had the food bank.  It made me smile to think dad might be watching at that moment.   

A quick run through Starbucks drive thru to grab my favorite drink before our next store is part of the routine.  The little voice from the backseat pipes up and asks, "I have ice water pease?"  She has her routine too :) 

 Our final grocery stop is Winco.  We pick up a few things and Bella "helps". 

 

Part of my weekly grocery shopping routine is renting a Redbox.  Silly I know...but its fun to look forward to renting any movie I want.

Then it's back home to put everything away and clean.  I am happy to report I got most everything cleaned today and put away.  I even managed to go through the kids therapy/school room and clean out all the crayons, markers, mismatched game pieces.

But even as I type this, I am looking at my family room floor where dirty clothes, toys and a back pack have escaped.  Its a never ending battle, a season in my life that I am trying to embrace. :)  I think it's time to watch my Redbox...the mess can wait!

 

Dear Mom...

Dear Mom...Where does one even start?  How can you sum up an entire life's sacrifice, love and care? Surely you cannot express it all in a card, a meal or a gift.  No amount of "thank you" will fully capture what it means to give of yourself sacrificially to little ones, who turn into teenagers, who turn into adults, who then have little ones of their own.  But...on this day of which we express our gratitude, love and thanks for mothers I will try and capture what "mom" means to me.

Dear Mom...this year has been an awesome one.  We have been blessed to experience some incredible fun things together as mother and daughter.  Things that we only once talked and dreamed about. For me, the highlight really was our trip to Hawaii!  Gone in a minute...but the memories will last forever.  You always are a great support and help, but this year you have really been there for me in more ways than just "watching the kids," (which you have done many times and I am very thankful).  But other things come to mind, like picking me up (so to speak) in February and helping me think clearly. For doing ALL my laundry at the laundromat and getting hit on by the weird guy who wanted to know if you were available?  Love it!  For moving back to Vancouver to be closer...for all the little things (they don't go unnoticed).  For talking and praying with me through the skin cancer scare, and celebrating when we got the "good news". 

Dear Mom...thank you for always being my sounding board and my supporter.  I need a sounding board to work out this little thing called LIFE!  Thank you for loving my little munchkins.

Mother's day will ALWAYS remain a bittersweet day for me. Joy and pain, life and death, happiness and grief.  There is not one without the other in this day.  It is impossible to erase so many years of pain and longing to be a mother.  Last year I wrote about my pain surrounding Mother's Day, you can read about it here .

Mother's day is also a reminder of the three babies that I lost.  A reminder of the mother I will never get to be to them.  Whose faces I have never seen, whose scent I have never smelled, whose perfect baby bodies I have never rocked.  All of those firsts (smiling, rolling over, giggling, crawling, first steps, first foods, first everything) will remain a scar over my worn heart.     

Mother's day is also about redemption.  In the midst of my grief, God was weaving together all of our lives, a story, a family.  Luke and Grace were chosen in a divine nature to be a part of our family. Through my grief and tragedy, through their pain and loss, HE took brokenness and stitched us back together in a new and different way.  Through adoption, I was redeemed from "barren" to "mother", they were redeemed from "orphan" to "son" and "daughter".  A type of holy exchange that, I, in my humanness could never accomplish.      

Children born to another woman call me “Mom.” The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me. ~Jody Landers

Mother's day is also about the miracle.  This spirited, blond haired, blue eyed, smarty pants, Nyhoff clone, 3 year old with a sense of humor and personality plus.  My living, breathing, everyday miracle!  I believe all my kids to be a miracle, but this is the baby the doctor said would never be, the baby the doctor told me wouldn't survive so "why prolong the inevitable" (meaning miscarriage).  I have never prayed so hard for something than I did that first 12 weeks of her pregnancy.  At the end of the 12 weeks the doctor declared from his mouth my baby "was a miracle!"   I claimed it and didn't look back.  A continuous reminder that NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE!

For me, becoming a mother was very difficult.  My road down life's journey being a mother is marked with what I can imagine most mother's lives are marked with: difficultly, happiness, joy, worry, grief, hope, incredible love.  The "official" moment I became a mother was not in hospital after 16 hours of labor.  It came in 2nd floor court room on Franklin Street, surrounded by friends and family.  It came after an 18 month long labor of fighting for him, jumping through hoops, visitation and welcoming DCFS into our home.  I became a mother next to a lawyer and in front of judge (not a doctor).  Yet...the finality of what occurred in the court room was no different from the outcome of a hospital room.  "Do you promise to care for Luke as if he was born to you?" the judge asked us both.  "Yes and yes!"  He signed the court papers.  BOOM.  I was a mom!

Two Mother's Days later, same floor, another courtroom, more promises made before lawyers, judges and the such.  More papers signed...Mom again.  This time to miss Grace. 

My hospital initiation into motherhood finally came.  An unbelievable experience that I will never forget.  It forever changed how I view so many things.  It healed some areas of my life and intensified the sorrow in others. 

Being "mom" to these 3 blessings, is an undertaking that I take extremely seriously.  I won't lie...it is difficult, but it is also rewarding.  Each with their own set of special needs, each with their own strengths and weaknesses, their own dreams and hopes.  My job to train, to guide, to give them every opportunity possible to succeed in this crazy life. 

Some weeks I feel like I am just "holding on" for the ride.  Between therapies, medical appointments and making sure they each get what they need I am exhausted!  It leaves little time for much anything else, but it is a privilege to serve, give and pour myself into them. 

On days I feel down, I consider the alternative.  The life they could be living if I weren't their mom.  The life they were born in to (poverty, homelessness, addiction, hunger, neglect).  I am privileged to be their mom, blessed to help them become who they are going to be.  Wiping the tears, wiping the hands, wiping down the dirt that they accumulate in the world.  Building their character, building their faith, building their confidence, building them up.  Job of mom. 

Many think I am amazing to do what I do.  I don't consider myself to be anything amazing.  I do what I do because I am mom.  I do what I do because I have an amazing support system, cheering section and encouragers.  They got my back!  I am so thankful for these two ladies in the below picture.  They lift me up, they can speak truth and know what I need when I need it! 

My babies, my blessings.  Mom and children with a beautiful story of pain to redemption, grief to restoration ,being woven together in story that was created for us.  

My aunt sent me this great link today and I thought I would join the encouragement of the many ways we can become mom. :) 


Encouragement and blessings!
~Carissa