Baby Wearing Dad

Seriously can't get over how cute this picture is!!!  It is a side-by-side comparison of Miss B and Man Cub.  Miss B (2010) and Man Cub (2016).  They were both 5 months at the Clark County Fair. 

I Have A Dream...

I have dreams for my children.  Big dreams.  I think all parents do.  One of my biggest dreams has been finding Luke a school.  A school that can meet Luke exactly where he is at, instead of him having to adapt and conform.  While I agree that learning to adapt and be flexible are important life skills, I have desired and educational opportunity for my son that would embrace his learning differences and give him skills to succeed in the world. 

I think I have been looking for "that" school since Luke was exiting special education preschool.  The special education preschool was the last school setting that I felt really met Luke where he was and helped him.  Each and EVERY summer, I examine every different kind of school opportunity there is for Luke and hope and believe I make the right choice.  Because they never really "fit" him.  Some school situations have come close; however he is always the square peg trying to fit into the circle slot.  He isn't built for the "traditional" classroom, and school presents numerous challenges. 

Maybe by chance, or luck, or divine meeting I saw and ad for Bridges Middle School.  It was a Sunday in June, and I had packed up all 4 kids and drove to urgent care so Bella could be seen.  She had a cough that had lingered too long.  We were ALL sitting in the waiting room and Luke picked up a magazine to read.  He noticed a friend from his baseball team on the front.  While he was reading the front, I was reading the back.  It was an advertisement for Bridges Middle School.  I had never heard of this middle school before, and I made a mental note of the website.  www.bridgesms.org 

It must have been later in the week when I was able to have a brief quiet moment.  I looked up the school online, and what I found was the school setting I have dreamed of for Luke.  I read every word of that website more than once.  I cried as I read about the teachers, and programs and kids and where they had come from.  I sniffled as I read about their homework policy, plans to help teach these kiddos organizational skills.  I wiped my eyes as I recounted how they spent their days learning social skills and academic skills equally.  I saw how they used animals in their curriculum and classroom, and how they cared about and spent time with kiddos like Luke.  I was sold. 

AND... then I saw the price tag.  And.I.Sobbed.  $22,000 per year.  Why is everything good and wonderful and helpful so expensive?  How come it is out of touch for us?  I felt like a fool for even considering how we could pay for this experience.  But, I decided to apply for financial aid through the school.  They offer some tuition assistance.  I figured it was worth a try.  I have yet to hear back.  I knew I would always wonder what if?  I am choosing to not live life with regrets.  So I have stepped out in faith. 

Most people who I have told about Bridges Middle School think it is great school and wonderful idea, but too much money.  It is difficult to describe to them why it would be worth it.  As a special needs mama, you go through so many emotions (sometimes simultaneously).  You spend a lot of time trying to find the very best for your kiddos.  You know what is worth it and what is not.  You know what helps and what doesn't.  You know how the impact of exceptional help and therapy can transform you child.  How it can build confidence and provide help.  Bridges Middle School, could totally change Luke's life.  And I find myself hoping, and praying and pleading that somehow this school would be an option for Luke. I am hoping for a miracle. 

After seven years of searching, I have found a school that would embrace Luke and all his learning struggles and ADHD and glaucoma and Tourettes, and meet him where he is at.  I am daring to dream big for my son. 

An Open Letter to the Kids Bullying My Son

An open letter to the kids bullying my son,

I wish you knew the boy I do.  The one who wakes up every morning and is genuinely happy.  He’s been that way since he came to live with us at one years old.  He is a light to those around him.  In fact, his name, means “bringer of light”.  My son is logical, caring and loving.  He isn’t afraid to hug and kiss his mama in front of you, even though is now 13.  My son is great with younger kids. They adore him, but he understands his limitations relating to you and being accepted by you.  He tries so hard, but my son knows he falls short.  He knows you see him as different solely based on the way you treat him. 

My son was supposed to have attended his first middle school summer camp last weekend.  I am certain he would have had a wonderful time.  However, he was so overcome with worry and fear about being alone and bullied that he told me he couldn’t do it.  My heart broke.  I understood…he had no special friend to go with and no one to stand up for him. 

Truth is…while I see many of you hanging out, spending the night at each other’s houses, going to the movies, I see that my son doesn’t have any friends to do that with.  Last year when he was sick and couldn’t attend the sleep over with all the boys from the class, you reminded him for weeks over and over again what a loser he was for missing out.  My son still recalls this event and how much he wanted to participate.  And my heart breaks all over for him. 

I wish you knew the boy that I do.  The one that has overcome so much.  The young man that spent the first nine years of his life in some kind of therapy to help him.  My son has spent hundreds of hours in a combination of physical, occupational and counseling therapies.  He has worked hard to accomplish skills that come natural to you.  I have heard doctors tell me that my son might not hear, or read, or know how to understand money, or function independently.  Yet here he is proving every one of those doctors wrong.  My son has undergone several ear surgeries and heart surgery.  He has the diagnosis of ADHD, Tourette Syndrome and childhood onset glaucoma.  Yet none of these labels stop him from trying to keep up with you, relate to you and be friends with you despite how you have treated him. 

I know the boy you think you see.  The one who stands a little too close and doesn’t quite understand how that makes you feel uncomfortable.  The one whose eyes twitch and wink, or the boy who clears his throat over and over.  You see the boy who blurts out answers without being called on and has a hard time staying on task.  And one who forgets his homework and struggles with comprehension.  My son likes to be right, even if he is wrong and is often argumentative.  But he is quick to apologize and the first to check on you if you are hurt or upset.

Also, in his eagerness to participate in the classroom discussions, when called on, takes double or triple the time to complete a thought.  I understand how that might be irritating or frustrating.  However, it doesn’t excuse or make it ok to ask my son if he has taken his ADHD medication and then tell him he should take five more pills.  It doesn’t make it ok to tease him, or to take the food from his lunch box and eat it in front of him, or call him slow, dumb or stupid.  My son is anything but that! 

Please don’t ask him to stop his tics (eye winking, twitching, and clearing his throat).  My son has no control of his tics, and when you ask him to stop it only makes them worse.  He can’t stop.  Tourette syndrome is a neurological disorder that eventually one day he might outgrow.  You might see my son trip or run into things (including you).  He isn’t doing this to be funny or to upset you.  His peripheral vision is diminished on both sides (glaucoma) with the left side being worse than the right.  He has to take meds for this too.  He also needs to face the white board straight on.  

Don’t steal his things and then tease him.  He has enough difficulty keeping track of his belongings.  Please don’t make up games about him and provoke him.  Don’t pick him last or not include him on your sports teams.  Stop stealing his basketball and stop playing keep away from him.  Do not make fun of the fact he plays baseball on a special needs team and then tell him it is not real baseball.  You crushed his spirit when you did that.  Don’t sit around in a group and tell him how you all are not his friend and then when he has the courage to advocate for himself to an adult call him a tattletale.  Don't call him a "little sh*$" on the playground. Is there really nothing better to do with your time than to work on crushing the spirit of my son?  How difficult is it to shoot some baskets with him, or play card games, or chess or checkers?  Things he adores and is good at. 

You should know, this boy you bully, my son, is my hero.  Despite everything stacked against him, he is there, at school, fighting day in and day out.  He works so hard to keep himself together and try and keep up with you in the classroom.  You will always read faster, write better, and comprehend quicker.  Skills will come easier to you always.  You do not have to point it out to him every time he makes a mistake.  He already knows anyway.  My son is aware.  He tries to conceal how you make him feel.  But I see it.  I see the weariness in his eyes.  The defeat in his demeanor.  The tears that roll down his cheeks, the questions he asks me about why you say certain things or act a certain way.  About why he was made the way he is.  I build my son back up after you tear him down.  I put the pieces back together day after day after you rip him apart. 

I drop him off at school the next day and as my son springs out of the minivan, he is already yelling good morning to whichever classmate is in front of us.  You shrug him off, and I want to yell at you!  I want to scream, “Don’t treat my son that way!  Don’t you see what a gift he is giving you?  Yesterday you treated him like garbage and today he has totally forgiven you and is once again trying to befriend you.”  And I drive away with tears streaming down my face for the injustice of this world.  I say, “it’s not fair” over and over and over again, as if expecting someone to console me.  I know the universal truth that life is not fair.  And then I pray.  Because really that’s all that is left to do...Pray.

It is this mama’s hope and prayer that one of you…one of my son’s peers, sees him for who he is and befriends him.  That one of you, somewhere in my son’s life would choose to go against the crowd and see him for the amazing human he is.  My son is genuine and loyal.  He loves animals, especially dogs, Star Wars and reading.  He loves to fish and hunt with his dad and is an excellent marksmen.  It is difficult to show you how he excels in those areas within the four walls of a classroom.  He really is quite amazing.  Maybe if you quit trying to be “cool” you might get to experience the incredible gift of friendship my son has to offer. 

A Difference A Year Makes

A difference a year makes...

I couldn't let this day pass, before taking time to reflect on June 11th, 2015. 

A year ago today, I found out that we were expecting our sweet little bonus baby.

Truthfully...I was a bit terrified when those two pink lines appeared and the "pregnancy" word popped up on the blue test.  My littlest was 5 years old, and my body was 36 years old.  I knew that this pregnancy would be different than Bella's. 

June 11th, 2015 was also the night that Bella graduated from preschool.  I remember sitting in the sanctuary feeling a bit panicky about where life was about to go. 

So much has changed in this past year.  New baby, new home, new job position for Mark.  It has been so much transition.  And...as we all know...transition is very difficult for children with special needs. We have had many meltdowns, tantrums, tears and anger at times. 

Even the little pink princess has had her fair share of difficulties with missing the "yellow house".  Not even joking...she slept on a little mattress at the foot of our bed for 4+months.  Finally...she is sleeping in her own room. 

Matthew has been an incredible blessing.  I call him our "bonus" baby.  After so many miscarriages and loss in my twenties, God saw fit to bless me with biological children in my thirties.  The pregnancy was hard though.  I've yet to share too many details yet.  Part of me is still processing. 

I enjoyed as much of his pregnancy as I could.  I was so sick for 12 weeks and then all sorts of medical fun was headed my way.  But with the help of one incredible doctor, we made it to the other side.  Truth...I think these parking spots are more needed after you have a baby and have so much stuff to carry.

Matthew at 10 weeks in utero.  It is so amazing and leaves me in awe that the human body knows what to do to grow, fed and nourish a tiny human.

A fulfillment of a promise.  The completion.  I am so honored to be his mama.  To meet his every need.  To rock him and sing to him and hold him and feed him at 3 am.  A true blessing.

What a difference a year makes!  From two pink lines to 16 pounds of chunk.  I love that life is full of surprises (especially ones you didn't plan on). 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28

The Crib

It's been awhile since any little one in my house slept in a crib.  Bella had a lovely white crib that was still very useful, but due to the drop sides was no longer safe.  We purchased this one at Target when we were going through the re-licensing process for foster care last year (which would be two and half years ago now).

Recently while spending some time cleaning Luke's room, I took the crib down to give him a little more space.  But when faced with the prospect of putting it in the attic, I found I couldn't.  Two summer's ago, God whispered to me, "I'm not done with you yet."  I have held on to this promise since.  So I moved it into our room.  It is a daily reminder to me of God's promise.

I had several miscarriages before Luke joined our family.  When I was pregnant the first time, I went out and bought the most beautiful wooden cradle.  I imagined myself rocking our soft bundle back and forth while singing softly in the darkness.  Several stuffed animals graced the inside of the white eyelet bedding.  When I lost our baby, I was devastated.  The cradle became a mysterious, secret piece of furniture that seemed to scream "empty" at me every time I would pass by it.  I would try and fill it full of stuffed animals and blankets but it's silence was deafening.  Eventually I would sell it because the pain was too great for me to handle.  Nothing quite turned out like I had planned.

I still feel reverence for the crib.  I still feel like it is sacred.  When it was finally time for a crib, I felt like I had accomplished something.  When we stood over Luke's crib, with him sleeping in it the first night he slept in our home it was a victorious win for my soul.

I went on to have many babies sleep in my cribs over the years (foster babies, adopted babies, biological babies)...Jennifer, Theresa, Gabe, Gracie, Jamie, Karma, Sophie, RJ, Tyson, Penelope, Zachary, Isabella, Robby, Kenneth, Levi and now Matthew (our grand finale).  They each teaching me something about myself, about love, about acceptance, about faith, about patience, about time. 

**I started this post several years ago, if you can believe that.  It has sat in draft form for awhile.  I was in the midst of knowing our family wasn't complete; however, totally unsure of how the completion would come.  I would wrestle with these thoughts almost daily.  In true God fashion He is never late.  His whisper of "I'm not done with you yet"  was fulfilled.  Several years ago, I would have almost 100% told you that our final child would be through adoption.  In my wildest imagination I never thought I would have another biological baby.  What an amazing journey and blessing to the completion.  God really writes the best stories.  And now...this crib...the exact one in the picture.. is set up in our room...and a sleepy baby occupies it finally after years of wonder and a whole lot of faith.

Home

Welcome Home Dahl Family!

On January 9, 2016, we moved into our new home.  There is nothing more exciting and nail biting than moving when you are almost 9 months pregnant!  After great lengths of discussion, Mark and I felt there would be no GOOD time to move, so we finally decided to bite the bullet and proceed with moving.  The end of November, on our way to cut down our Christmas tree, Mark drove me by our "new" house for the first time.  On December 2, 2015 we made and offer and put our yellow house on the market.  It sold 48 hours after listing.  And the rest, they say...is history.  :)  We were so blessed that the timing for selling and buying worked out mostly seamlessly.  And most everything was unpacked by the time Matthew made his grand entrance.

So for the first time, I share with you all our home.  Come with me on a tour....

This is the large room that greets you when you walk in the front door.  Lately, I have been enjoying finding large alphabet letters to hang around the house.  This room is a study area for the kids, my desk and work space and the piano also lives in this space.  This room leads into the family room and the kitchen. 

This is the downstairs hallway that leads to the half bathroom and if you turn right at the end of the hallway takes you to the garage.  I also keep a gray laundry basket at the bottom of the stairs to put Matthew's soiled clothes into.  It keeps things more organized and saves me a trip upstairs (as our laundry room is on the second floor).

This is our half bathroom.  It has a Mickey Mouse theme. 

This is Matthew's changing table area.  I find I change him more downstairs so we have all his diapers, wipes etc. organized on his changing table.  His baby calendar also hangs close by.

This is my wonderful kitchen.  The door leads into a large pantry.  Huge blessing to have a pantry to store food and gadgets.  Truth...I have some empty cupboards and drawers.

Matthew's feeding cupboard.  This is his area where I keep everything for his formula and bottles.

This is our family room.  Bella is so excited to have a fireplace where Santa can come down this year. 

Upstairs hallway.  The door on the right is Bella's room, the door straight ahead is the kids' bathroom and the door to the left is Grace's room.

This is the little hallway that leads to the laundry room. 

Inside of the laundry room.  It is soooo wonderful not having to laundry in the garage. 

Bella's side of the room.

Matthew's side of the room.

Grace's room.

Luke's room.

Our room and Matthew's room currently :)

Kids' bathroom.

Our backyard with covered patio.

The trees are gone now.

Another view.  It is a smaller backyard than what we had at the yellow house; however, we have so much more space in our home.  There is a park close by and we live on a cul-de-sac so very little traffic.  The kids enjoy playing with the neighbors' kids too. 

I feel so incredibly blessed to have this home.  Sometimes I feel like pinching myself to make sure it is true.  After waiting and wishing and praying for so long for more space we finally got it.  I am so thankful for all the blessings this house provides to each of us!   

Baseball Luke

This sweet little guy is still playing baseball with the Miracle League.  The Miracle League is for kids that have special needs.  They let kids play baseball.  It isn't about scoring or winning or outs. 

It is about making their dream come true and allowing them to play baseball on their terms.  Some of the kiddos are in wheelchairs, some need assistance, some need specialized equipment.  Others hit off the tee, and some need the baseball thrown a special way.  For Luke it is always getting to bat last...to be the clean up batter and hitting the ball as far as he can.  It's getting to play any position you want and sometimes multiple positions in the same inning and it's all good.  No one cares.  And after 4 years the crowd always looks forward to his signature slide into home plate! 

If you haven't read about Luke's First Game click here.  It's one of my favorite posts. 

This year Luke has a #1 fan!  Twinning is winning!

What the World Needs...

...less talk of election candidates and more babies promoting world peace!

Railroad Wife

I love a man that can wear a baby!!!  And oh how I love my husband.  He works tirelessly to support our family, and even more...support me.  A little over a year ago, I stopped working and began raising our kids at home full time.  It was a difficult decision, knowing the alternative to me not working.  Mr. Fix-It (Mark) is fortunate enough to have different job positions available to him.  He can work in the Vancouver train yard terminal building trains...getting them ready to travel with their various cargo, or he can actually travel with the trains to Pasco, WA and back.  Mr. Fix-It is a train conductor and the first thing he would tell you is that it sounds more exciting than it actually is.  When he works in the yard he is able to have a set schedule and hours.  Mr. Fix-It enjoys the swing shift.  When he works the "road" or traveling with the trains, he has no set schedule and as his name rotates to the top of list he takes whatever train he is assigned to.  He could get a call at 3am.  It is almost impossible to predict any type of schedule.  Welcome to the world of being a Railroad Wife!

While I am VERY thankful for his job, as it as provided so many incredible things for our family, I find this schedule difficult for the children and I.  Having a son with special needs that thrives on predictability, having no clue what days dad has off is so agonizing for him.  We work through it as best as we can, but we all have our moments. 

Yesterday, after nearly a year of working in the "yard", Mr. Fix-it took his first train to Pasco, WA at 9pm last night.  Before he even kissed me good-bye, I was doing the ugly cry.  It wasn't for my lack of confidence or feeling like I couldn't handle it, however; it was more for the fact that I was going to just plain miss him.  He is my best friend.

So here we are entering another transition.  Hopefully the last for a long time.  I am slowly finding my way as a mother of four kiddos.  I am a walking a new path of caring for a newborn up to a teenager.  It is a little crazy at times! 

A New Beginning

After being absent here on the blog since late September, I find it fitting to title this post "A New Beginning".  First "A New Beginning" to writing about life again, and an introduction to "A New Beginning" at the Dahl house. 

Matthew William Neal was born on Wednesday, February 17 @ 7:57am.  He weighed in at an impressive 9 pounds and 9 ounces.  Matthew was 21.75 inches tall.  He had a full head of the precious dark hair you have ever seen.  He is beautiful and we are all in love.  Matthew has one of those little bodies that is squishy all over and he molds to fit into your arms.  He sleeps for long stretches at a time and enjoys eating, eating and more eating.  He is love and my heart is so full!

Where to Even Start...

It has been so long since I posted anything, I am not sure if anyone out there is still reading.  Regardless, I have so much to say, update, write, share...that I am not even sure where to start.  

First, I want to mention three big things...1) Bella's heart is absolutely PERFECT!!!  She had a great appointment in July and the doctor watched the entire echo procedure.  He said her murmur was completely normal.  2) Luke's eyes remain stable!!!  He goes back to Casey Eye at the end of November.  3) I am 19 weeks pregnant with a baby BOY!!!!  Total surprise for us.  I am calling him our bonus baby, because I feel so blessed that we are given one more little blessing.  He will be our last, as he is our completion for our family.  So life has been full of lots of appointments, blood work, ultrasounds.  But I am having a completely healthy, normal pregnancy.

 



The other big news (and you can tell from my photos) is that all my kiddos went back to school.  I'm three weeks into the school year and I miss them terribly.  Maybe it's the hormones, or that things haven't gone very smoothly for my kids transitioning back to school, but I have cried nearly every day for them.  The house is too quiet and I have spent far more time by myself in the last week (since Mark is working day shift) than I have in the last year. 

 





 

The biggest transition piece is that this little five year started all day kindergarten.  Bella and I have been connected at the hip since the day she was born.  We both miss each other, but probably me missing more of her.  She is one of those children that are such a joy to be around.  She has encountered some issues such a bullying, a child taking parts of her lunch, a child continually laughing at what she brings for share.  Bella keeps telling me, "we don't get to play toys class.  We work, work, work." This is upsetting because she is just five and play is such a developmental part of learning.  She is at school for almost seven hours...too long.  I have been beating myself up for not putting her in half day.  In the passing of a week, I feel like she has had to abandoned her childhood, creativity and imagination for a pencil and worksheets (it's really like first grade).  This is not the education I dreamed for her.

 

Luke and Grace have had their own fair share of struggles too.  At the VERY last minute, Grace's teacher moved to California and needed to be replaced.  Poor sweet girl has had very high anxiety and stress since and has had to adjust to new circumstances and a new teacher.  It's been difficult to say the least.  She has asked me to return to public school and to be homeschooled.

Luke began middle school and with it has come so much work and homework I cried every night for the first two weeks.  (Can you see crying is a theme with me?)  I often question my decisions for my children.  Honestly, there is a huge part of me that wishes to go back and do things differently.  I feel stuck now.  For two of my children with special needs, I wonder how hard to push them?  How much do I expect from them?  How outside the box do I need to think?  What is best?  Lately, I question have I pushed Luke too far.  In my quest to prove he is capable and he is able and he can, have I forgot that each of us has limitations.  I know hard work is good.  It molds us, it grows us.  But is he so stressed out that he isn't getting much.  Is he focusing too much on being behind to learn.  All things I wrestle with, and unfortunately there is no manual or guide for figuring this all out.  So I continue to struggle and question and process....