Breaking the Silence

Welcome back!  I have been silent for several months.  I took a break.  The summer had been crazy, and I have been processing things, and the routine of school starting up happened, and then it seems as though time flew by.

The end of our summer was jam packed with so many things.  From the fair, to camping, back to school preparations, meetings, buying a new truck, meet the teacher, motorbike riding, classroom decorating etc.  It was a lot for this mama.

I had a rough summer...though I enjoyed so much of it with the kids and our activities, but I struggled with me, my role, my goals, my career, the direction life was taking me (or pulling me it seemed).  I suffered some scary vertigo this summer.  One such episode scared me so badly I ended up seeking medical care.  But as it turned out only to be benign positional vertigo.  Stress as I was told can plan a role in what I experienced, and I was very stressed over the summer.

After two very stressful back-to-back teaching experiences, I was ready to throw in the towel on my teaching career.  In fact, at one point decided I was not going back to teaching for the 2014-2015 school year.  But, I had a very vivid dream one night (which I believe to be spiritual) that confirmed within my heart my calling to teach, my passion to teach and my ministry to teach.  So, I jumped back in faith that God was going to do something new and exciting.  I wish I could tell you that I was positive and didn't worry, but I was really kind of a mess in the beginning (nervous and anxious).  But this year has been incredible so far!  I am so filled with joy and LOVE my students, their families and enjoy being on the early childhood teaching team!  My aide is amazing and I enjoy our friendship so much.  I really feel supported.

In a mission to reclaim my mental and physical health I visited both my doctor and naturopathic doctor.  They both ran tests and have helped me feel physically better than I have in a long, long time. I am grateful for access to medical providers and their knowledge.  It was a big step for me to go and ask for help.  My only regret is that I didn't go six months ago.

How are my kiddos doing you might ask?  I know most everything thus far has been about me.  The kids are really doing excellent.  They are all three attending CCA.  And the most wonderful thing is they are all in the same classrooms that they were in last year (different teachers) but they same rooms. It has provided a level of comfort and security for them.  Luke is doing well. He is getting very tall.  We have another Casey Eye appointment coming up this Tuesday.  These make me nervous but the last one was good, so I continue to expect good things.  Bella has lost her bottom two teeth already at four and half years!  My baby!! I guess it is genetic because I lost my bottom teeth at four also.

My Gracie girl is doing very well.  She is beautiful and talented and spirited!  She read a poem in front of the entire school for grandparents day.  She also started the year off reading at grade level!  I am so proud of her.  

Mark is busy with his projects, helping his dad with his projects and working.  He just celebrated 10 years at BNSF Railway!  Crazy it's been 10 years.  

Letter To Myself About Depression

Dear Carissa...I know you are in there somewhere.  In the mist of the crazies of life, the day-to-day kayos, errands, chores and the endless to-do lists of things that must be accomplished...I know you are there.  That twenty-something person who was so independent, creative, courageous and strong.  Yes, you know her...the one that used to rock climb, write children's books and curriculum and take risks.  The one who didn't worry so much about life.  The one that wasn't overburdened by the weight of the world.  She's there...deep down...somewhere.

I want you to know that you are much too judgmental of yourself.  Your perfectionism is draining you.  It will be your greatest undoing.  You do not demand or expect perfection of anyone else...only yourself.  Truth...no one is perfect (not even you)...so STOP!  STOP IT! REALLY!  Stop setting impossible standards for yourself.  Remember to breathe, drop your shoulders, look people in the eye...heck just look up and smile more than you do now.  Except the fact that your house is never going to look like a magazine picture, the laundry is rarely going to be finished, and the bathrooms will not always be sparkly.  It's ok.  I give you permission to let baskets of dirty clothes sit in the laundry room, to not constantly wipe up sticky finger prints that mark the mirrors, and to leave some dishes in the sink yet to be done.  Life will continue. 

I get it.  I know you feel lost right now.  The world seems so mixed up and upside down.  You feel...dare I say it..."depressed" and it is difficult to accurately describe what it is that you are even depressed about.  And I know you...so I know that you feel ashamed that you are depressed.  Because you are supposed to be "perfect", and not have problems and look like you got it all together.  But the truth is you don't.  You feel that depression is a sign of weakness, or ungratefulness, or lack of faith.  It's taboo.  Talking about the "d" word with others is tough.  It's not a comfortable topic.  You wish they would hear you.  Really "hear" you.  You look around and feel trapped.  Wall surround you.  There are no easy answers or solutions or quick fixes.  You see the destination of where you want to go, but doubt if you will ever end up there. 

Sometimes you don't feel anything at all.  You stuff your emotions away deep inside.  If things are going badly, you are reminded to be thankful that you don't have it worse because others do.  And while you concur and recognize that fact, you feel invalidated that you aren't allowed to have any type of emotion because you are "blessed."  And I understand that your heart aches.  I see the frustration you feel.  I would just encourage you to "don't stop feeling."  Even if the feelings are sadness and hurt and dare I say the "d" word.  Because Carissa they are real.  What you feel is real, and valid and true.  You are the only one that can live your life...so have the courage to really live!  And part of life my dear is all the crazy emotions that go along with it.  And...I'll let you in on a little secret...those emotions don't make you weak or broken...they just make you human!

The voices you hear (and yes everyone has internal voices and dialog that bounce around in their brains)...the chatter around you...it's loud and distracting.  The voices that say you aren't good enough, you are a failure, you are nothing...they are never going to go away.  But...you have the power to STOP them.  To shut them up.  To be in control.  You have in in you to make choices for you!  And not choices to please anyone else.  Let the voices fade into the background.  Let them go!  Have the courage to follow you heart and your gut and anything else that is telling you something.  Listen to those feelings, because they are almost always right.  The decisions in your life that really matter...the ones that will be forever linked with you...you went against the crowd, and against what was popular and easy and YOU WERE RIGHT!  Because you trusted you.  You had faith.  You had courage to take a stand even if you stood by yourself.  And guess what? You have that same faith, and that same courage in you now!

Carissa...as Grandy would say "this too shall pass".  So today if you feel depressed, or tired, or weak, or sad...acknowledge the feeling, it's ok.  Your feelings do not define who you are.  You define who you are.  You won't feel this way forever.  You are processing and working it through.  Trust yourself.  Think outside the box, dare to live, laugh out loud, embrace you children,  love your husband.  You've wasted far too much time already worried about what others think.  You are able to think for yourself, and have confidence that you are capable and able to make the best decisions for you.  Love yourself a little or a whole lot because you are worthy of being loved.

Oh...and one more thing...raising kids is tough.  Raising typical developing kids is tough enough, but raising special needs kids is a whole other ball game.  Cut yourself some slack.  You do a very, very good job with your kids.  Remember...you can't ever be the "perfect" mother, it's not possible, so accept it and move on. You don't have a "manual" on how to do this and unfortunately you don't really have very many example of adoptive mom's raising special needs kids.  So you do the very best you can.  Accept the fact that sometime you are going to screw up, and keep walking forward.  Trust the process.  Love more, let more things go.   Remember... the days are long , but the years are short, and you will NEVER, NEVER, EVER get MORE TIME.  You have your allotment of time and that's it.  Make good use of it.  Slow down and watch, look and listen. There is wisdom in the depths of your children.  There is magic in childhood.  There will come a day he won't ask you to play cards anymore, you will be the one asking.  There will come a day where she won't stick play-doh in little glass flower vases, and then the day will come where there won't be any play doh at all.   There will come a day where there will not be any pretend dance shows...so remember that fact when you think about saying "not right now."  Instead say "YES".  You won't ever regret saying "YES".  Yes to them, yes to him, yes to life.

*I wrote this letter to myself as part of my assignment in therapy.  I've been in weekly therapy for several months to learn how to recognize and respond to anxiety and depression.  This one was difficult for me to share as there is a vulnerability to it.  But I really wanted to address that depression is real, should be talked about more and can happen to anyone. 

Respite Care and what it looks like...

Have you ever wondered what respite care is?  What is looks like in someone's home?  Here is a glimpse into ours. 

Sometimes and most times respite care is planned.  Foster Families need breaks, vacations and times away.  That is when they schedule respite with other foster families (like ours).  Sometimes respite is an emergency situation and you have very little notice from when you say "yes" and when the child arrives.  Respite care is also done within a timeline (such as Friday to Monday) or a week of vacation...etc.

Other times our family might do respite care is when a child first comes into care and they are looking for a long term home for them.  Above is an example of a foster child welcome box that was given upon entering care.  This was neat for me to see because our school CCA had put together welcome boxes in one of our monthly community outreach after school events. 



Even after doing foster care for 10 years, it never ceases to cause me to stop and reflect when everything a child owns is brought to you in a bag.  I cried.  For the hurt that you see in their eyes when they are handed to you.  When you search frantically for something to connect with them, to ease their fears and anxiety after their world has been turned upside down.  When they cling to you and push you away all at the same time.  My heart breaks. 

We loved this little one for a few days and then he moved on to his long term home.  We are privileged to help in the moments of uncertainty, moments for breaks and rejuvenation.  It is a ministry, a tough ministry that causes your world to become larger.  You count your blessings, hold your babies a little tighter and a little longer, and you say a pray for all things in which you cannot control. 

What the World Needs....

...is more 4 year olds re-enacting "Mary Poppins" in downtown Vancouver!!!

Locks of Love

A few days ago, I took a much anticipated trip to my favorite hair salon to see my favorite stylist!  You see I've been growing out my hair for 18 months.  And it was long!  Super long!  It was difficult to do anything with, blow dry, shampoo, or style.  Most days I just let it air dry and then put it up in a pony tail. 

I have known for awhile that I was going to make a change to my hair.  So I spent a few extra months growing it out to make sure it was long enough to donate.  I have always wanted to donate my hair to "Locks of Love".  They are a charity that makes wigs and hair pieces for children going through cancer treatment.  I have been touched by cancer for the last ten years.  My dad passed away from cancer and many family members have had cancer.  People I love.

For me this was something tangible that I could do to show support and love.  Really they are the ones that have done the difficult work (surgeries, treatments, chemo, radiation, tests).

So off it came!  All 10 inches of it.  That is the minimum requirement to donate so they can make the hair piece.  It was a crazy and exhilarating feeling to hold my hair.  Some teenage boys were enthralled with what I was doing and asking me a zillion questions about if I had donated my hair before etc.  It was funny. 

Another reason I choose to cut my hair is to signify a change in my life.  This last year has been difficult and a growing season for me.  I will start a new job position in the fall...one I felt led to.  I will be returning to my roots of early childhood education.  

This style of hair cut always makes me "feel" more teacherish! 

I am very happy with the hair cut and the donation to Locks of Love.

At home the hair goes into a plastic ziplock bag and then submitted with the form.  It will travel all the way to Florida to be processed and made into something beautiful for someone very beautiful!

Appointment Reminder

Tomorrow Luke has a Casey Eye Appointment at OHSU.  It's time for the three month check.  He will also have a visual field test again (since he didn't score very well on the last one).  Usually I am ok the night before the appointments, but I am nervous.  Mainly because whatever the outcome of the testing tomorrow whether joy or frustration I will face alone.  Mark is usually the one who goes with Luke to all the appointments.  They have their special "guy time".  This works out well for me because I have had a difficult time in the past going to these appointments.  If I am to be transparent, I will share with my readers that I have an anxiety disorder.  I am not proud of this fact, nor do I like to dwell on it either.  For the most part I try really, really hard not to let my anxiety limit or control my life.  It is a challenge at times.

You see, the last time I took Luke to a Casey Eye appointment alone...I had a full blown, can't breathe, think I am going to pass out, heart racing panic attack.  I'm a fighter so I fought through it, but it scared me (like all my panic attacks do) and Mark started going to all the appointments after my panic attack.  I should also add that Luke's doctor's office is a complete copy of the high risk OB/GYN that I visited for the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy with Bella.  They are located one floor above Casey Eye.  The waiting rooms, layout, flooring, etc are completely identical.  It's a trigger that causes me to remember those first three ultrasounds where I made the long trek from Vancouver to wait on pins and needles to see if my baby was alive or dead.  A little PTSD is going on for me I think.  So many times Mark is my safety net, and tomorrow he will not be there.  If you think of me tomorrow between noon and three pm. could you say a little prayer for me?  I would appreciate it...and one for Luke too?  It's no fun to have eyes dilated for a procedure, multiple eye drops, pressures checked on your eyes, and then have multiple doctors check you out, because...1) it is a teaching hospital and 2) Luke's type of glaucoma is so rare that everyone wants a peek.  Sometimes it's just not fun! 

Computer Upgrade!

 

See that little box?  Do you know what is in there?  A NEW COMPUTER!!!!!! (Yes it deserves six exclamation points cause that's how awesome it is!) My brother and sister totally rock!  Like totally bless my socks off, can't believe they did this, your generosity is inspiring, made me cry gift!  Total blessing people!  Just because they can, and they care, and they thought of our family.  

Ya...so...our last computer (as in the computer we used last week) was from the year 2006.  I bet you all can guess how fast and impressive it was!  My bro heard me mention we needed to buy a new computer before the fall and no sooner had I finished my sentence than he said to me, "Let Katie and I bless you guys with a new computer."  How cool is that!  Bam!  My need was met like that...and I don't think you can really classify a computer as a need (just a want).  So an amazing blessing!

And I am just going to brag on my bro for a minute here because he totally could of just bought us a standard PC, and I would have been over the moon happy, remember the good ole 2006 model?  But he didn't just buy a standard computer.  He bought us the computer he would like to have for himself.  It is absolutely beautiful and amazing and it makes me want to do the happy dance every time I see it.  It is an all- in- one computer but it is all wireless and it is TOUCH SCREEN!  I know I said it before but AMAZING!!! Gone are the days of the big tower...this one is all built in to the back of the screen.  Totally loving it!  Thank you David for your generous heart and kindness.  Thank you Katie too!



Once A Month Shopping

Last month I decided to tackle "Once a month grocery shopping".  After spending a month researching blogs, books and articles, I wanted to try and see what it would be like to shop for the entire month in one day.

I focused on my three main stores I shop at: Costco, Win-Co and Safeway.  I also bought fruit from a farm stand to make strawberry jam.  The first thing I did was plan a menu for the month.  I planned each dinner for the month of June (main dish and sides).  I then came up with a list of snack food, breakfasts, lunches and school lunch items.  I made a detailed list for each store and then off I went. At the end of the three stores, I spent 573.00 dollars.  I saved all my lists and reciepts in a notebook so I can reference for future months.  I also wanted to track how quickly we use specific items like dishwasher tabs, cleaning wipes, fruit snacks etc.

This is what my kitchen looked like when I came home.  Crazy to put all that away.  But nice to have it all and to have a plan.  

One of the things I tried was buying a large package of hamburger; dividing and cooking it to freeze for later meals.  This has been genius for me and allowed me a lot of freedom in meal preparation at night. I browned all the hamburger meat I would need for the month and then divided it up into freezer bags and labeled them.

The next day I went and prepared 4 pans of enchiladas that we would be eating throughout the month. Two pans were chicken enchiladas and two pans were beef enchiladas.  I covered with foil when finished and out to the garage freezer they went.  When ready to make dinner, I pulled it out of the freezer and popped them into a 350 degree oven for 60 minutes.  I also cooked and froze two large lasagnas too.

Chicken enchiladas.

Beef enchiladas.

I also had fun this past month making strawberry jam!  

I processed two flats of strawberries and came out with a lot of jam.  It's one of Mark's favorites!!

I have to say we stuck with the menu about 80%.  There is always things that come up and you just role with it.  I think the most difficult part of the whole once a month shopping was coming up with the money to shop all in one day, especially when you get paid twice a month.  I think for our family looking to find a balance in twice a month shopping will be more beneficial for planning.  I am very glad that I tried this and feel that it was a success.  I am always looking for ways to save money and this was a strategy that proved successful!

 

Our Chicken Adventure

The weekend before Easter the Dahl Family became 'backyard' farmers.  It was purely coincidence that we got baby chicks right in time for Easter, but it was really fun to have them for the holiday! Mark and I have been planning for chickens for at least a year (reading books, asking questions, planning a coop).  

We ended up with 6 baby chicks.  Some will lay brown eggs and others will lay the blue/green eggs.  I am pretty certain that one of the chickens is a rooster.  One of the Jersey Giants is a lot larger, has a really big comb and now is developing these beautiful tail feathers.  We can't keep a rooster in the city so once we hear the 'cock-a-doodle-doo' he will have to find a new home.  My heart is really sad about losing one and I am hoping to find him a home where he can live and not a home that will make him a meal.

Mark designed and built our movable coop.  He had a good friend of ours come and help as well.  I am really impressed with the design, although both of us wish that he had built it a bit taller as we have each hit our heads pretty hard.

Bella picked out the paint color and we each had a turn painting and helping build the coop.

I am proud that we raised them as babies.  They lived in the shed for many months growing and changing.  They've all been held and will eat out of my hands.

This was the day we "officially" moved them from the shed to the coop.  We still had their light on a timer outside for night time for another month.

As you can see our kids really love the chickens.  They have been a big part of raising the chickens too. We don't have any eggs yet (too soon still) but I look forward to the day that the kids can see and enjoy what we were working towards.  It is rewarding.  None of our chickens have names.  We opted not too but I do find myself very attached the chickens.  I love it that at a certain time of night they all head up their ramp to roost and they all come down early in the morning.  For the most part their care is very easy and maintenance pretty low.  The enjoy eating the grass (we move their coop each week), vegetables and they really love watermelon rinds.  This has been a fun adventure.  Can't wait to get those eggs!

Tattle Telling and Tics

I am listening to my children argue with each other in the living room. Words spoken under muffled breath, "does he always have to be so bossy?" "Yes, he does…" I say in my head. In another room, forts are being built with soft baby blankets that just a few years earlier held tenderly my little one who now speaks to me with sass. Snow cones devoured, late night swims in the evening heat, hikes around lakes and playing at the park. It is safe to say that summer is in full swing.


 To the outsider it might look like a perfect life glancing in, but summer and changes is not without challenges. After several months of Luke being tic free, he has developed yet another new tic. Thankfully he has never had several tics going on at the same time. It's always just been one. But one is enough. Some tics don't bother me, but this new one…oh man…is testing my patience. We've gone through eye blinking, shirt chewing, nose sniffing, nail biting, throat clearing and now teeth chomping. The sound of his upper teeth connecting with his lower ones is a test to my coping skills. I know from my research you can't tell them to "knock it off" it only makes them feel more compelled to tic. They can't control it, so you can't force them to control it. Eventually in time it will fade out and away. 

Truth…I am struggling feeling that somehow I brought this new tic on…that it is my fault. There isn't an exact science to what causes tics but a change in schedule, stress, routine change can all cause tics. I easily take it upon myself that this new tic is my fault because we have a much more relaxed schedule in the summer vs the school routine. I am having the kids read daily and do a math worksheet as not to fall behind in skills, but there is a lot of unstructured time.

Then yesterday Mark was notified that his position as a BNSF Railroad Mentor was being cut due to "need for manpower on the ground." Too much work….too few workers. They are so short staffed that they have called all the employees doing extra assignments back to the yard/road (I know…I know…railroad lingo). We have 48 hours to make a decision to where he works again. Yard switcher or Road Switcher. Each with pros and cons. Each with benefits and negatives. Even though the "higher ups" only say this is temporary, Mark really values his work as a mentor/leader. I could see a bit of disappointment when this news was announced. I am believing that this will be only temporary and he will mentor once again soon.

I look at our summer so far with all its ups and downs and isn't it true of life? Life with ups and downs…mountains and valleys. Not one without the other. Nothing ever stays the same…the perfect world doesn't exist. There was however; one perfect man that made a way for each one of us to have a relationship with HIM. He lived a sinless life for my sinful one. He was unselfish to cover my selfish ways. He suffered so I wouldn't have to. He is real, and holy and the giver of peace and patience and kindness and goodness. The maker of joy and love. He is faithful. Even though right now things may feel confused and weird and different…I am thankful HE is constant, ever faithful and good.

 
During this crazy time, I can choose to be full or worry or to be thankful for this wonderful exciting life. I am thankful…for my children, my husband, our home, cars and health insurance. Thankful for my new air conditioner that is cooling the house so beautifully. For BBQ's and sunshine. For a four year that has the most contagious laugh. For the art work my nine year old creates, and love of an 11 year old boy that melts my entire being. For a husband that loves me fiercely, protects me and considers me his partner and friend. Thankful for so many things! Especially for forgiveness from HIM, and also from others. For second chances, and re-commitments. For the beauty of a fresh start. For jobs and provision both old and new. For private school for my children, and a job that meets my needs. I am especially thankful for friends. My heart is full of thanksgiving.