Eggs & Easter = Excellent

The kids had an awesome Easter (even though we didn't make it to church). The van was not running this past week and Mark had to arrive early because the youth were doing an Easter breakfast fundraiser. Regardless...the kids and I had a fun time thanks to 106 plastic eggs, some food dye and Mimi.

Here is Bella eating her "Easter cupcake". It was so cute she would take a bite and say "Mmmmm".

I attempted to get a picture of all three of them. Miss B would have none of that. Her brother and sister were so good to try and help her. Still she would have none of that.

This was the best attempt at the photo of all three of them. You can see the little tears running down Miss B's face. Poor baby. Her mommy tried to take her picture!

Luke and Grace got toothbrushes for Easter (you know to help with all the "sugar bugs.") Bella was just fascinated by the toothbrush.

"I finally got the toothbrush!"

Happy Girl!!! Easter presents.

Happy boy!

Miss B checking out the grass. She was so funny. She didn't want to get off the patio.

First time swinging in the baby swing outside. LOVED it!!!
Grace was very into dying her eggs. She could have stayed outside for hours putting the eggs in and taking the eggs out.

We went over to my moms where we had Easter dinner and another egg hunt. She even hid the kids Easter baskets like she did for David and I when we were kids. I really had an enjoyable day. Poor Mark had to work, but the kids and I delivered a plate of goodies to him on our way home.

Juggling

(Luke as a student of the Early Childhood Special Education Program through Evergreen)

Let's be honest....I am juggling. A delicate balance of craziness. I went from one "very" part time job to 3 jobs in a matter of a month. I saw a posting for an Early Childhood Special Education teacher position with the Evergreen School District and I thought "why not try for it". It was part-time for just the last two months of school. Well....my "why not try for it" turned into "do you want to come work for us?" So...I JUMPED in with both feet. Hired on Tuesday and started on Friday. It has been a whirlwind of activity, fingerprinting and learning a new school. You see....ECC, is where Luke went to Special Education Preschool and where I had one of my special education teaching experiences. It has always been my DREAM school with my DREAM district "Evergreen" Sigh. Not only am I an employee now, but a parent of an Evergreen student and I was a student myself, graduating from Mountain View High School. It is such and amazing opportunity which I am grateful for.

Which leads to the juggling....I also continue to teach at MVCS on Mon, Wed, Fri, afternoons (computer and music). I also am mentoring a client for the Division of Children and Family Services. I am a month into my time with a fabulous family that I am excited for (legally can't share more than that). In seven weeks I will be done with MVCS and in eight weeks will be done with ECC, which will leave just the mentoring which will continue for several more months. It is VERY difficult to not "fall in love" with ECC. I dare not catch myself imagining what it would be like to be an "official" employee year round. Well...one can HOPE. The Lord knows and I know it is not by chance or accident that I am where I am.

Thankful Thursday...

I know I spend a lot of my time venting about my worries, troubles and the things that I am anxious about. But today...I wanted to focus on the things that really matter. The things that at the end of the day are constant and have eternal meaning and value. Today I push aside the worries of my world and focus on the things that I am TRULY thankful for.

MY KIDS.....there was a time in my life where I doubted I would be a mom. Everyone around was pregnant and having babies and I was barren. I spent so much time PLEADING with God to allow me to be a mother. After a LONG journey, I was a mommy to LUKE and then GRACE and now ISABELLA. They bring me the most incredible joy and I am blessed to call them MINE.

I am especially thankful that God allowed me to give birth to BELLA. It was an incredible experience and I will be forever moved and awed by LIFE.

I am thankful for KARATE, which has allowed LUKE to find that he is AWESOME at martial arts. It is a POSITIVE addition to his activities. One that doesn't include doctors, tests, eye drops, etc.

I am thankful for BALLET which allows Grace to have something ALL to her OWN. It gives her a chance to play "princess" for 45 long minutes one time a week. It is something we can do together and nothing puts a smile on my face more than watching her happiness in the class. Which leads me into my next thankful....see her cute outfit???? Auntie Katie and Uncle D bought it for her. I am super THANKFUL for AUNTIES and UNCLES who spoil my kids.

Uncle D and Aunt Katie have been such a blessing at times and they don't even know it. Their little cards and packages they send in the mail make all the difference to this Mommy. Their thoughtfulness and selflessness to my kids is so appreciated. I also just appreciate knowing that I can call them anytime and they will listen and pray.

Even though at times I have a bad attitude about everything Luke goes through, I am SO grateful and thankful for places like Legacy Emmanuel and Legacy Salmon Creek Hospitals. I thank the Lord that we live in a country that has excellent medical care and for therapies that can help my children.

I am thankful for HAPPY babies and FUNNY daughters who keep me on my toes....like babies who pull every diaper wipe out of the containers, or little girls who decided to put lip gloss all over their face, arms, legs and hair after they go to bed at night :)

I am thankful for MIMI's, and grandma's and people who are like grandma's to my kids. Not only do they SPOIL my kids, they provide support to me (even when it is American Idol nights). They provide blessings that can't be counted, like date nights, breaks and help after surgery, to backpacks when you couldn't afford them and Halloween costumes and baby formula EVERY week. They are the answered prayers of a mom's pleading to God for provision.

I am also so THANKFUL for FAMILY. Even though we live so far apart. I am so thankful for each one of you and for your prayers and support in my life. Thank you for helping me have such a great childhood and such a great foundation for my life. I count it a privilege. My biggest WISH would be to replicate it for my kids.

But my BIGGEST thankful for this THURSDAY is for the man I married. For which without him, my life wouldn't be great or complete. He LOVES me, he LOVES our kids. He has a big HEART for helping people and I just can't say enough good things about him. I love you.

Worry

I wish I could shake this feeling of tiredness. I just feel so unsettled much of the time. I am pulled in too many directions and I feel not effective in any one area. It is frustrating. This month especially has been difficult. I think three of the five of us have been on antibiotics. I have filled more prescriptions that I can imagine and have managed 7 to 8 trips to various doctors. I wish I could have the luxury to just focus on the kids and the house. Gosh...it is a full time job in an of itself. With the medical and the therapies and the follow through it is so much. It seems any time Mark and I have together is a medical appointment for one of the kids. It's difficult to keep asking for someone to watch the kids after you feel like you ask them so much.

Can I be honest? I just feel like I am FAILING at EVERYTHING. I sit here in tears as my house lays in shambles because I can't seem to find the energy. Medical records need to be organized, the fridge cleaned out, carpets cleaned, bedding washed (again), etc., etc. It's hard to even unload the dishwasher when you have a baby that won't let you put her down. I took on a mentoring case through the Division of Children and Family Services this month for extra money and I have an interview with the Evergreen School District to work part-time at the Early Childhood Center (teacher special ed to 3 to 5 year olds, like I did with VECC). It is just a 2 month position. It sounds crazy, but financially we are treading water with some big expenses looming over our heads. We need a new roof, the car needs new tires, the van needs new tires and timing belt, Mark needs braces (not for cosmetic purposes but to help save his teeth from breaking down). I lay in bed at night and WORRY about where this is coming from and feel that it is my fault we are in this position because I chose not to return to work this last fall. So, I guess I take the responsibility on that I am the one that has to fix it. I don't know how it will all work. One sacrifice for another I guess. How do I make it all work? This is where I wish I could still call my dad on the phone and ask for help. He ALWAYS had an answer. Gosh I really miss him.

My HEART is with my KIDS and HOME. Luke requires so much. I am not complaining but stating a fact. There is NO manual that tells me how to raise him with MANY special needs. Currently with him I am managing 4 medications, glasses, a listening program (to help with sensory issues), glaucoma, tourette syndrome, adhd, microcephaly, his IEP re-eval, karate and OT. He needs extra help with homework and help being tutored with his handwriting. I LOVE being his mom. GRACE is doing well, but will be starting speech therapy on the 14th. She needs extra help with handwriting, needs extra attention. She is in ballet. ISABELLA, is on her third ear infection in 2 months, cut 4 molars, and needs my attention too. I haven't slept well in weeks.

I just want to feel like I can be successful in one area of my life instead of just "putting out fires". This was my day today...Left house at 8am to take Grace to school, got home took Bella to Albertson's to stock up on cereal and milk since they were having a great deal this week. Ran to post office to mail off World Vision Stuff, and mail off first part of adoption support re-negotiation for Luke. Paid PO Box fee. Luke went to the doctor for possible ear infection. Ran Bella home, handed her off to dad, changed clothes and went to MVCC for work teaching computers. Came home to an upset baby who proceeded to cry off an on till bed. Yesterday consisted of taking Grace to school, got home took Bella to 1 year check up. While visiting with doctor about Bella, talking about issues with Luke and getting some updates for him. Bella 4 shots and one iron check. Unhappy baby with an ear infection (still). Grabbed lunch on the way to pick up Grace from kindergarten. Got home took down some Valentine decorations, left to pick up Luke from school. Drove to Legacy Salmon Creek and participated with him in therapy. Bought him snacks when it was finished. Went to Target on way home to pick up Bella's prescription. Arrived home at 5:15pm, let Grandma go. Cooked dinner, 3 baths, homework, 3 medications and finally asleep kids. My question is where in the heck do I find time to squeeze more work into that. I could recap Wednesday, but it would be just as a crazy. Sigh. Maybe I am just venting. And thanks for reading if you have made it this far. My heart is torn and I am just looking for answers. I guess it is true when they say "No one can have it all". I just wish I could find a balance. I really wish we had a MONEY tree out back or I won the lottery. :)

I will keep praying that the State of Washington finds favor with my renegotiation for more adoption support. Maybe I can apply for disability for Luke? I don't know. I have been thinking about simplifying to help cut costs. We are also selling the truck. It will help cut gas expense and insurance. Any more IDEAS?

Isabella is 1 year old!

Bella a couple of days old.

Bella and Grace (March 24, 2011)

March 24, 2011

Happy birthday Baby!

I can't believe that it has been a year since Bella was born. I can remember talking with my mom on the phone right before I had the c-section that I knew the next year would go fast, but I had no idea how fast it would really go by. Isabella went from a 6 pound newborn to a 23 pound baby in one year. She is funny, smart and sassy. Here are some fun facts about Bella at 1 year old....

Favorite song: Gilmore Girls (theme song)

Favorite TV show: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

Favorite Toy: Baby gum ball machine

Favorite Food: ANYTHING!!!!

Words she says: Da-da, Ba-ba, Uh-oh, Ma-ma, she will sign "water" and "more".

She loves to be outside or be carried by Mark or I. She enjoys playing with the kids and throwing her food on the floor when she is all done. Bella has brought tremendous joy to our family and is one loved little miracle. Happy Birthday Baby!!

Luke is 8!!!!!!

My baby is 8 years old!!!! I can hardly believe it. I still remember the cute baby that came to visit around 8 months old. And now he is 8! Time really flies by. Luke continues to be such a joy to me and I treasure his conversations with me and the purity of his heart. Here are a few 8 year old facts about Luke....

Favorite color: Black

Favorite animal: Dog (he wishes we could have a real one).

Favorite TV show: Top Shot! or Mythbusters (Thanks Dad)

Favorite Food: Ice cream!

Favorite Movie: Karate Kid (the original)

Favorite Place to Visit: Maui, Hawaii (he seriously wants to move there and play in the ocean).

Favorite Movie Series: STAR WARS (all but the Revenge of the Sith, which I won't let him watch yet because it is rated PG-13).

Loves to ride his bike, play nerf guns and is very into art and art projects. He is my little note writer. He is always leaving notes and writing for us to find. I LOVE that he does that. He is also a great reader. He is trying so hard to read chapter books because he wants to say that "I can read chapter books." He loves Isabella and they have a special connections. He loves Grace too, but they get on each other nerves, yet always have to know where the other is at. Too cute. I love you little man. You are amazing and I am so proud of you and to be your mommy.

Luke at 13 months old

Luke 2 years old

3 years

4 years

5 years old

6 years

7 years old

My new 8 year old!!!

What the World Needs.....

LESS worry about the food pyramid, and MORE babies helping themselves to their preferred snack choice.

Evaluations

Evaluations....what are they really? A snapshot...an opinion...a thought...or are they an assessment given to summarize where a child is at, at a given moment? I am in the stage of waiting for all of these evaluations to come back on Luke. April 12th will be our day... mental note...need babysitter...mental note...need to take the day off work....the day we find out about Luke's evaluations. Over these last 35 days, Luke has been given all different types of evaluations. Some of them I am familiar with...some I am not. These data devices help us to plot out where Luke is on the Bell curve. We are looking to see how many standard deviations Luke falls from the norm. Anything over -1.5 standard deviations from the norm is a cause for a delay and needs to be addressed. They will have looked at and evaluated Luke's social/emotional/behavioral skills, cognitive skills, fine motor skills, academics, occupational therapy, sensory, speech and language, and medical history. I located, picked up and delivered all of Luke's medical records as requested. Glad I can check that off my list. I just keep praying and believing that all my hard work and effort will make a difference on his IEP (Individualized Education Program).

In other NEWS....I did 12 loads of laundry today. 7 loads I did at once at a laundromat. I have found myself so far behind that I just wanted it all finished. So I loaded up, and went washing. It was kind of fun.

Grace is getting an award in school. Bella will turn 1 next week and Luke will "officially" turn 8 next week. I am looking forward to Spring Break and planning to take the kids to some type of kid museum somewhere.

Fighting the Fight

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:7

...."Luke has childhood onset glaucoma, " Dr. Edmunds said. Even though I knew those words to be true, they stung in my ears. Why? is the question that keeps going through my mind. Why Luke? He has been through so much. Let him be.

Today has been a horrible day. Just personal reasons that I am not sharing at this time. Perhaps later.

I am in the middle of a fight. A LONG fight. A fight for justice, a fight of fairness, a fight for Luke. He deserves so much, but all I am fighting for is what should be his anyway. I am fighting agencies, I am fighting government, I am fighting schools, I am fighting with doctor's records departments. I am even fighting the people that speak acceptance of blessings like Luke. I am fighting for him to get a good education, fighting for his health and wholeness, and fighting for funding to cover everything I can't. I am fighting for a job to provide the things that I fight for him. It is never ending. And I am fighting tiredness, discouragement and loneliness. I will give you one guess on how many friends I have with children who have any two of Luke's many syndromes. I am fighting scary thoughts I have when the house is quiet and I am alone. I am fighting against wondering what life would be like if Luke was blind. It brings me to tears even now. He got a a little be be gun for his birthday. Both grandmas were not happy about this in the least. It was funny...or ironic...or sad...I wasn't worried about the safety aspect. I was glad he was having the opportunity because it is something he wouldn't be able to do if he was blind.

I try not to think too much about those thoughts, but they are there. Swirling around in the back of my head waiting for quiet moments to flood my mind. So today the fight is done. I will of course pick up fighting for him tomorrow.

Grace is 6!!!!

(Grace in Hawaii; almost 6 years old)

(Grace 5 years old)

(Grace 4 years old)

(Grace on her 3rd birthday)

(Grace 2 years old on Easter)

(When Grace came home: 1 year old)

Happy birthday to my princess who is now 6 years old!!!!! She is the first of my March birthday madness. I can hardly believe that she is 6 years old. We baked cupcakes and took them to her kindergarten on Friday so she could celebrate with her classmates (complete with princess napkins). We are having her birthday party (and Luke's and Bella's) Saturday the 12th. It is a "Mad Hatter" Birthday party complete with an Alice "doll" cake that I will baking. It should be fun, and a lot of work...but they are WORTH all the hard work in the world. I just want them to look back on birthdays and traditions and KNOW that they are SPECIAL.

So here are a few facts about Grace at 6 years old....

Her favorite color is: PINK (there's a shocker for you:)

Her favorite animal is : A HORSE

She LOVES to sing any songs and even made up ones. She is the one that ALWAYS asks me to turn up the music in the car.

Her favorite DISNEY Princess is: CINDERELLA (today anyway)

She wants to be a BAKER and COOKER when she grows up but NOT A CAR WASHER.

I love that she still has phrases that I haven't corrected because they are too cute such as : "glassable" and "Kitty Hello".

I love that she is a girly, girl and LOVES clothes, having her nails painted, make-up, fun shoes and shopping. She will really be a lot of fun when she is older.

Happy Birthday to my FAVORITE 6 year old! Mommy loves you so much!

Luke's Bad Day

(Luke @ 3 years old)

I feel as though I am constantly fighting. Fighting for Luke, fighting doctor's office for reports, fighting government agencies, fighting with him to take his meds, fighting the school for them to do their part....I'm tired, so tired....and yet the fight continues. It has to continue. It doesn't stop.

Luke had a bad day yesterday. So, now I am fighting with teachers. I thought sending Luke to public school would get him the services he so desperately needed. Boy..was I wrong. I spent hours talking with school officials about my concerns. About how Luke was different, about how I was worried about him being bullied and having no friends, about his tendency to be bossy and argue. They "assured" me that they had strategies in place to help him deal with these things while they re-evaluated him. Yesterday, Luke was embarressed by his teacher in front of the whole classroom because of social skills that Luke doesn't yet have. He essentially got "in trouble" for having a giving heart. The teacher called me to tell me this and when she did I just laughed because I didn't see how it was big deal. She told me that she instructed class not to "accept" things from Luke anymore. Apparently, Luke gave away all the mechanical pencils I bought for him at Target. Big deal. When I talked to Luke about this, he told me "Mom I was so embarrassed that I couldn't even talk or look at anybody. I wanted to run away." My baby!!! I am the horrible mother that put him in this situation. Can you believe it? Because somehow I thought this was the magic class, the magic pill the magic whatever that would help him and solve all my problems. What a naive attitude right? Let's just face it...I was delusional :)

Now I have a little boy who HATES school. He cries, refuses to go out to the bus stop and even runs and hides. He cries to me "mom I have NO friends. Nobody likes me. I hate school." What is a mama to do? Here he has adhd, microcephaly, tourettes, glaucoma, sensory processing disorder, etc. and I fed him to the wolves. Mark and I have been round and round and discussing everything. What am I to do? How do I find something, some program that is a good fit for LUKE. My heart is breaking. I should be able to figure this out, but I am stumped. There is just one thing I know for sure. This can't keep going on. Something has to change, or my sweet spirited, loving little boy is going to be crushed. Help.