Home...

"Home is the nicest word there is."~Laura Ingalls Wilder

I am officially HOME...Thursday came and went and I was quietly ushered into the world of stay at home mom.  It doesn't quite feel real to me yet.  Even as Monday approaches, it is spring break so I don't think it will really set in until the following Monday when I don't go back. 





I can tell it is going to take a bit of retraining my brain.  I am still dreaming about my job in my sleep, and I find myself thinking about the job quite a bit more than I thought I would.  I am still trying to process everything I have been through in the last nine months.  Then I remind myself that my job "isn't my worry anymore." 

My families really blessed my departure and I was humbled at the notes, cards and gifts that were given to remind me how much I did touch the lives of those little 9 people.  The kindest thing that was given to me was simply someones words...she said "and as a mother....thank you for knowing when to put your own children first."  I will never forget those words as long as I live.  They touched my soul.

The new teacher is ready to roll...she completely overhauled the classroom and was raring to go as I was trying to vacate my desk and move my remaining things out :)  The torch was handed off and I drove away down the freeway one more time. 

Peace...rest...balance...that is my job now for my life and my children's lives.  I have noticed I have really being sleeping hard these past several nights.  A deep, deep sleep like I can't remember having for such a long time.  I am reading books again and bought a new puzzle (cheesy I know).  It is Sunday and I am not stressed or preparing for a week of kids, teaching and trying to keep up.  The house is cleaner than it has been in a long time and I feel quiet.  Bella napped today and is up with me now but it doesn't bother me...I have nothing I NEED to accomplish right now. 

Mark is enjoying teasing me about being a "free loader" and "unemployed" and a "bum".  We just laugh and I like it.  We were both on the same page about me coming home but he is a tease :)

I just feel happy.  Happy about being in our little, wonderful, loud home. :)

Dreaming....

Of this white sandy beach. :)  Three weeks and it will be ME in that sand soaking up some vitamin D with my mama.

Dreaming of this paradise of a coffee place!  They serve the best iced tea EVER!  Their nutty Hawaiian latte is nothing to shake your head at either!  Visiting the Honolulu Coffee Company is on our list for the first morning we are in Waikiki...well probably EVERY morning we are there.  

I can't wait to take a really long walk to a hotel that I dream about often.  I had the privilege to stay at the Hilton Hawaiian Village when I was 9 years old.  It made an impression.  The pools are incredible and the grounds are amazing!  Plus...can you say HELLO Hawaii 5-0!!!  The Hilton Hawaiian Village is practically featured in EVERY episode. 

Dreaming of Matsomotos Hawaiian Shave Ice.  I haven't had a brain freeze from their shave ice since 1997!  We will partake in a little shave ice on our day we venture up to the North Shore.  Hmmm...what flavor will I be having?

Visiting the Turtle Bay Resort will be on my list of things I am dreaming of seeing.  My mom and dad always took us up to the north shore to escape the fast paced Waikiki beach for a few days.  The views from this hotel are breathtaking.  Every room is an ocean view!  Mama says its been upgraded since the last time I was there, but still hoping to see some incredible surfing.

No trip to the North Shore of Oahu would be complete with a finding several LOST sights from the TV series.  You better believe we are finding this LOST beach!  I'm glad my Mama is a LOST fan and will put up with my adventures :)

Dreaming...can't wait for my little adventure/escape/relaxation.  I need to recharge.

Three Years...

 

Three years ago we said hello to our sweet baby girl...Isabella Mary-Ann...

 

Three years ago Dr. Bishop delivered and handed us our sweet baby girl.  After eight years of trying and failing, I don't know if either one of us believed this day would ever come.  

 

Three years ago I knew what instant love really was.  How you could love someone instantly and deeply in a moment.  She changed my world for the better.  I still have moments I look at her and want to pinch myself and thing, "wow...she really is a miracle.  She really is mine."

Two years ago we celebrated her first birthday.  She is like her mommy and LOVES chocolate!

Grace and Bella have been constant companions.  Here she is on her 1st birthday bald and beautiful!  Grace looks like a baby at 6 years old.

 

Here on her 2nd birthday you begin to see her spit-fire personality and sense of humor.  She is the funniest child.  She had a love affair with Elmo in her 2nd year.  She carried that Elmo around with her everywhere for a while. 

 



 One year ago, she celebrated turning 2 years old with an Elmo birthday. 

Today...she turned 3 years old.  At 8:13am I held her in arms and told her about her birthday.  She squirmed around me said, "yet go of me mommy," and proceeded to get her brother and sister to smell her stinky feet.  Oh well :)  It's that personality coming through.  I always say she has her daddy's personality.  This years birthday was a "Dora" theme.  She was very into unwrapping the presents and blowing out the candles.  I told her today "Happy Birthday Bella."  And she says to me in her high pitched squeaky voice "Happy Birthday Mommy!"

 

 

Saying Goodbye

 On Thursday I will say goodbye....

I will hug each one of my students that understand what hug means and say "good bye". 

I will hug Gina (my amazing wonder woman of a teaching assistant) and cry because I will truly miss her and who she is to me.



 On Thursday, I will clean this mess up one more time and say good bye to the kayos, the stress, the frustration, the paperwork....oh the paperwork (I will not miss you). 

I will relinquish my burden and my keys to the new teacher recently hired.  She is full of new ideas, excitement and zest for the new position.  I am happy for her...just as I had been last June.  I was so happy!  This will be the last time the classroom looks this way.  After spring break, a new teacher a different design.  And that is good.   

I will say good bye to my families that welcomed me with open arms, brought me produce from their gardens and orchards and included me in Christmas giving. 

But I will say hello to my little family, that has been second in line since the teaching position began.  I will reclaim my place and title as stay at home mother to now 3 children with special needs.  I will have only two main titles in my life now...wife and mom.  Many other titles I have let fall by the way side.  I have learned a difficult lesson in all this.  I paid a high price and I am grateful for a God that is merciful and patient and that allows me grace when I make mistakes.  





I will say goodbye to this small town that decorates for the seasons.  I always felt a strong connection to my grandma and grandpa as I drove past the US Bank that my Grandy worked at for years. 

When I walk out of my portable classroom this coming Thursday, I will release the burdens I have carried for the last 9 months.  These baby gates helped slow down the escapees but never truly offered peace of mind for runners.  I will release the pressure to make sure I taught well enough, planned enough, did enough.  I never felt like I have ever been enough in this job.  And I never felt as though I have been enough at home.  It's been a lose/lose situation for me. 

 

So after much discussion, talking and praying, the answer to Mark and I was simple.  Come home.  Let it go.  Be mom.  Walk forward and don't look back.  Press on.  Continue the fight.  Take care of my family.  Take care of me.

Since accepting the position, I haven't taken care of myself.  I haven't been keeping up on appointments.  So it is time to focus on me.  I've been to see my primary care already.  I need to go to the dentist, dermatologist, and back to see my therapist.  I really need someone to help me process everything that has happened in the last 9 months.  I need to slow down, to stop even for awhile and breathe. 

Worn

Sometimes music can speak to you exactly what you need to hear.  I've heard this song so many times on the radio, but it wasn't until I was putting the girls to bed tonight that I really heard the song on their radio.

Life has been really difficult around our home these past couple of months.  Most days after teaching special needs kiddos, coming home to parent special needs kids and trying to keep up with all the therapies, I feel that I have NOTHING left.  I've been short more times than I want to admit and exhausted. 

These realities have required that Mark and I re-exam our life, our priorities, and our goals.  Ultimately we have decided that I am going to be home full time.  Part time work, just turned out to be a lot more "part-time" than I was realizing it would be.  20 hours a week quickly became 30 hours a week, which is nearly impossible to balance a life of three kids with special needs.

This song was written by Tenth Avenue North Called Worn

I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn

I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

My prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn
Even before the day begins
I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So Heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn

Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though, I'm worn
I'm worn